I'm still trying to figure how or when I will proceed ,,,, not shore if I want a diary ,, My head isn't on fire any more ,, It got kind of quiet upstiars for a while ,,, really don't want to rock the boat ,,
I used to share my story ,, time an time again , in jails , instatusions , schools , and AA ,, got a lot of feed back , mostly good ,, but after 9+1/2 yrs of that , I finally had a major meltdown,, which was a good thing , I just didn,t realise it at the time ,, I was phyisically sick from the AIDS meds trying to work Carpentry and just lost it in a meeting ,, when I finally recovered from that meltdown ,,, by my self , no meds , could barely eat , cryed for a longgggggg time , and slept for allmost 2 weeks , yes I would wake try to eat ,but my guts were so screwed up , It was hard to hold any thig down ,, rice oatmeal camameal tea ,, and I would go back to seee crying or just lost ,,, so 2 weeks later I woke and felt better at last and I didn,t hate myself ,was kind of OK with some of the world , I morned all the dead people in my life and I forgave me ,,
only in the last few months has this shit come back ,,, and since it has bin pointed out to me and I visited this site ,, has it got quiet again ,, so I kind of want to ride the calm water and enjoy what I can ,,,
I would be stupid to go back to carpentry ,, were I am so busted up from , what , a lot of car whrecks , the Army , Jumping out or of way to many things , still seek that adrenalin rush ,, so what can I do with my life ,, just don,t Know ,,, still lost in space,, :dont-know but still want to be useful I have a bad back , neck , knees and shoulder a blind eye and hate school you no that ADDD thing always got my eyes out the window , just want to go play in the woods at 52yrs old ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,:fight: with myself on where to go now ,,,,,:smoking: :dont-know well I said a hell of a lot more than I was gonna enuff already, ,,,,, I need a good meeting ,, {AA} a good woman, ah hell just somthin!!!!!!!!!

Hey Beatle,

I know what you mean about not wanting to 'rock the boat'. Dealing with stuff that makes me want to find the 'erase' button in my mind has been some of the toughest shit I've been through. And when I find a calm moment, I want to hang onto it for as long as possible.

Your post title of 'still sorting thru my head'-yeah, know that one, too. Do you ever feel like, even for a moment, that you have this clarity and things line up and actually make sense and then *boom* everything goes back jumbled and you feel like you're picking fly shit out of pepper?

BTW-playing in the woods sounds pretty good right now LOL Just getting away from real life for a while.

You've helped a lot of people in your past. Take some time to help yourself. When you give everything you have to others, you have nothing left for yourself. Once your reserves are back up, I'm sure you'll figure out what you want to do.

this is what it feels like some times ,,,, just talking to somone would feel better than nothing ,,,, get enough of that were I live ,,,
well guess I just read or try to :sleeping:

wine wine wine bla bla bla

I know.

BTW-you're not whining...you're being honest about how you feel. Keep it up, hon!

Yep, some of the same here. I'm up right now but I know the world and my head (mind) are gonna kick my ass in a couple of days.

For years I told my story. I used to say that if it saved one baby.... well then my life and the story that goes with it are not too small of a price. People looked at me like I was so brave, a hero, a martyr for the cause.
But it did not save me. The more I told my story the more numb I got. In the end that is all it was to me, a story. No different then a Lifetime movie of the week (ok, that's not quite true, I can't watch Lifetime).
The real me was hidden. Curled up inside a wound so deep, so black, so infected that I hoped it would kill me and the idea of complete madness was something to look forward to.
It is only recently that I have begun to feel again. Not sure if I like it or not but I do think it is not a bad thing. Just really scary. Hard to look at all of it. To take stock and then find the energy to make changes. But I force myself.
Sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode with the pressure of it. Other times I wonder why no one can see the huge purple knot on my forhead caused by the brick wall we all seem to share (you would think with that much use it would evetually come down). I have no idea how much a human being is designed to take without coming completely apart but I think I have about reached capacity.
People around me often hear me say "I want to move to the middle of nowhere and not talk to anyone" I hate the city (I live in Seattle). I hate the noise, the confusion, hearing my neighbors scream at each other and at their kids, even the smell drives me crazy. Grates on my nerves like nails on a chalkboard.
Really I just want peace (or at least a good set of earplugs). I am so tired. But I have realized that the only way I am going to get the peace I crave is to make it myself. I don't want to be completely alone (even if i sometimes feel like I do). It hurts.
But sometimes there are surprises. Sometimes you look up, expecting to find loathing and instead you find a pair of eyes filled with understanding. Sometimes you reach out into the unknown and across many miles and you find that in the worst and the best of times there are hands to hold, even if they aren't in the same room, city, state or even country. And it saves you.

last night I didn't want to say anything ,,, LOL this morn I got stuff
to do ,, ya right ,, not that important ,,,
I found someone ,, thanks Marline ,,
so this morn I went to a meeting AA , it was ok,, then checked here ,
It got better ,,,
Thanks Jet ,,, doning what I did , did hurt and was so draining ,
But in the end I had the meltdown and it had good results ,, I guess I had to feel all that pain in order to start the healing ,, I wish there was an easier way , but I did what I thought I had to ,, carzy as it was ,, I didn't feel like a hero or martyr ,, I just felt from the heart and talked from the heart , but at least I could feel , and the recipeants responded for the most
part from the heart ,,
I understand the black part or hating oneself and wanting to die ,,
thats why I had to get sober an do what I did ,, the more I gave it away the more I got back ,,, people tried to help , but like you said , every once in a while you would meet a rare indivigual that would give you Hope or friendship or just what you needed that day to carry on ,, some where in that tangled mess , yes , I found Self ,, after 9+1/2 years I forgave me,
God healed a part of my heart an soul ,, during my meltdown If I was any were but at an AA meeting ,I would have bin put in a rubber room strapped down and shot in the ass with sedatives, :sleeping:
I live in the contry and still feel my best in the woods ,, with or without others around ,, Hell I tought survival in the Army and grew up in the woods ,,, still like skinny dippin :crazy-blu
last night was one of those times when you meet the right person ,, even if it was just for that moment it worked ,, I got out of my head and shared with another person like me ,,
thanks

You are most welcome. Have a wonderful day!!!!

Blessings,
Jet

Beatle, you don't need to raise a diary in order to heal yourself. You can do everything here just chatting to be honest. Time doesn't mean anything in relation to how long you have trauma, how much you have spoken about it; what counts is the reasoning and education you get in response, not just feedback in general. Trauma comes with issues, fears and anxiety, and until you can assimilate something to each of your issues, you will continue to have them. Guilt is a big one. Coming to terms with guilt is really just a big mind game, nothing more, nothing less. Its about logical reasoning. If someone is guilty of something, ie. a person did murder someone else and got PTSD from that, then the reasoning is that they must come to terms and accept they have done it, obviously served their time in prison for it, and must now learn to accept that nothing they do can change the past. Obviously there are sneaky ways in which to get a person to see these things, but how long we carry trauma has nothing to do with it, apart from you can see that it is constantly coming back, worse each time, melting you down.

what bothers me the most ,, no can't say that ,,, my body hurts all the time ,, I know most all pain stems from accident in 75
I snapped right Tib and fib in 2 and crushed my right foot ,, It healed cruked and shorter ,,got damage to back and neck , but not real evident till later ,, nerve damage on right side from head trama ,, right eye blind { optic nerve } ,, 168 stiches put my fase back together , sleep with one eye open ,, because of short bad leg and construction and many more car wreck , have destroyed my back and neck shoulders and knees ,,,
I'm glad i'm of pain meds but somtimes when every thing hurts at once , its real hard to keep a good atitude ,,, when my head goes off and my body I don't stand to good a chance ,, I find ways to ease the mind and the body loossens a bit ,, I only resently am trying to give up carpentry ,, bin working less an less each year cause back keeps going out ,,
2001 end of september snapped left heel :drugs: while I was getting that fixed my Doc thought it would be a good time to treat my Hep-c :drugs: well 12months worth of interfearon and ribavear allmost killed me ,, and did super wreckage to my spirit ,, just this year I got back to the right wieght 145 ,, I went down to 120lbs ,, went back to work Hep-c treat ment worked ,, got back a lot of energy ,, on and of drugs and got hurt again back on drugs , till girl dummed me then took 270 milagrams of morphine ,, because of built up tolerance of drugs that just pissed me of and I threw up ,, got on fentinal and morphine , finally figured I was totally hucked and went to detox last december 5th been clean ever since ,,,, hurt back again and was down for awhile ,, got work down on back , and put a wedge back it shoe to fix the hieght and tilt to leg an foot ,,,
so shit ,,, wonder why I get triggered every once in a while ,, some times I just want to give up ,, want to find a way to be useful , but I can't even sit for any lenth of time with out having to move ,, but I know I can do somthing ,, maybe help kids learn about wood and nature ,,, big hopes there ,,
enuff of this ,,, got to move