I hear that Nam. Last week was great. I felt happy for the first time in years. I felt emotionally connected with my husband, with my dogs. Then the bad dreams, the waking in early am hours, daring the sun to rise, dammit, rise. A tough Sat and Sunday. Upping my meds. A little Scotch to get me through tonight. Down to my last ciggie. Husband won't be home for hours. I savor the peace of aloneness that allows me to hide, but hate the emptiness. So I build an empire of Blank. Hating the guy on the bus who kept leaning on me in his sleep, openly staring at the little baby girl with the dark eyes taking in the light. I willed myself not to cry. To weep at that sweet picture of young father and daughter in their world of love and adoration. And I thought about my own dad, at the pictures that show the connection we once shared. Funny how things shift drastically. And suddenly we are strangers. And as much as I don't want to know him, to forget he gave life to me, to forget the rod and staff he bore with resilence upon my back. There is something that mourns. That fFeels like an orphan-child yearning for that which maybe never was in my waking years. I don't trust feeling, I shun it really. I am tired of the pain. The wondering. The anger. The thoughts of death. Of mindless computer images. Watching them bleed wishing it were my own blood. Feeling the itch and burn of my left hand, inside forearm. Ready for judgement, condemnation, a new beginning of the Fall. I hold my breath waiting for the Inside to dissapate to a lesser shadow.

So so here today. Didn't get much sleep last night. Woke around 2 am to the sound of daughter #1 banging on our door and the smoke alarm going off. Opening the bedroom door, Warren and I saw the carpet downstairs on fire. :angry-fla Turns out a log from the fireplace fell out and set the carpet on fire (our insert has glass doors, but they were taken off because they are awkward to use and don't track right).

Not too much damage, though. Smoke detectors were very sensitive, as there was very little smoke involved (mostly just fumes from the carpet smoldering and the padding underneath melting). In fact, didn't smell a thing today when I got home from work (yeah!). Had to cut out an oval piece of carpet about 15 inches long where it burned and had to scrape the melted padding. Hardwood floor underneath was damaged (about a 4 inch by 8 inch oval), burned into the wood. Made Warren put the doors back on the insert. 90 minutes later, it was pretty much cleaned up.

Funny thing, Warren and I had been talking about pulling the carpet up and going back to the hardwood floors; guess this is our chance!

Needless to say, though, I couldn't get back to sleep; hypervigilance set in real quick. Paranoid that the carpet and floor was still burning. Isn't bad enough that I wake at every little sound, sure someone is breaking in or stealing the car; now I will be worried about the house burning down. <sigh>

3 hours later I had to get up for work. Dragged my butt to work and made it through the day - how, I'm not sure.

Tonight is better. Warren and the girls cleaned the house! The girls had off school and he took off work to be with them. Had chinese food for dinner - yummy! Tomorrow we're all off; not sure what we'll do, but we'll do it together.

Interesting, though...we're having a new insert delivered tomorrow. Go figure.

Wow... lucky Kim. I am glad everyone is alright and it didn't get out of hand. Thank goodness...

sighs

Slept all day yesterday. So glad my mum offered her bed (and air con).

Remind me again WHY I live in Townsville when I hate the heat?

I'm sure you should be able to breath out doors. . . right?

Other then that. . . . I'm starting to actually feel again. Not sure if i really appreciate the muddle my emotions are in but I'm getting there.

I have slept most of the last 2 days away....just could not bear the idea of going out....I think that I have now set it firmly in my mind that I will go out tomorrow.....WANT TO VOTE!!!!!! This is a very important governor race here in OHIO.....No more Republicans for me!!!!!!! The poor, homeless, and disabled have had too many important services taken away from them!!!!...then the Republican Governor was convicted of 4 ethics charges and did not even resign!!!! Screw that party!!!! I am voting for Ted Strickland!!!! :claps: I have been getting rather cold....my son sent two different winter coats....one too small.....the other defective....so to the post office I will go to tomorrow!!!! Then I need to get groceries and do a load of wash....Busy! Busy! Busy! I am grateful that my body has stopped it's violent shaking!!! That's been a real bitch on and off these past few weeks since I decided to get off one med [with psychodoc approval] then when the nightmares and physical symptoms got overwhelming I decided I needed to go back on [also with psychodoc's approval] It has taken quite a while for my systems to get balanced out!!! Hopefully tomorrow goes better!!!:crazy-eye I have had to come to terms with myself that for now I needed that Remeron as I work on my TRAUMA....My ex stopped by yesterday afternoon....to bring me 4 bags of cat food and 2 huge buckets of cat litter....I think that he is mellowing in his old age....Okay by me....I was about out of all that cat stuff....Tomorrow it is to rain....okay by me....I feel more comfortable under cloudy and rainy skies!!!! I know that's odd....but boy do I LOVE the rain!!!!!!!!

Are yes.... I am now appreciative of moving down South with no more Townsville summers.

:) YOUNG and ANGRY! :)

Did you see this? Look what you started! 100 pages full of responses from your original post/idea. Thank you YA for starting such a good thing. You are a definite asset to this forum. Thanks.

My day long, hard and beyond stress. Crashed about 6 hours soon as I walked in. Got up to see everyone in bed. The long story I put in a new thread as it would eat up too much here.

Thank you Nam,
It is quite amazing just how many posts there are!!
I'm so happy you consider this thread a "good thing" :)

Y&A

I had to post the 1000th post... just had to do it... lol

Been a little moody lately,
other than that,
fairly decent mood.