Normal, whats that?

Had a crap afternoon. Was supposed to meet my ex flatty to get bond money off of her and sign paperwork. She got us \to rearrange the time then didn't bother showing.

Then later last night CFS guy texted wanting to hook up. His text I autiomatically deleted. Was in such a high anxiety state I ended up getting up at 2am to take some Temazepam. I hate them pills, but at least they calm me enough to actually sleep.
Other then that, today has been peachy. Got my hair cut off (far too hot to keep it shaggy) now it's short in a kinda ringletty cap. Hairdresser says it's cute. I just looked at her and thought, me cute?

Guess the good old self esteem is having a low day (not that it ever gets real high)

But at least I didn't answer CFS (that I can be proud of).

I guess this week has me more fried than I think. I am forgetting so much. I mean some of these post and even my own last I do not recall... How can I not recall a fire for you Kim????

I recall Y&A's 1000th. Maybe the fire hit too close to home. I used to have glass doors on mine, one day one of the panes just blew out. Like a little explosion and shattered. It is covered as wasp come in every time any is exposed. I love fire places too so it sucks.

Being paranoid of fire is just me, stress makes me smell fire. I am getting it was bro's arsonist ways now replaying in the form of smelling it. But it is getting better now that I identified it...

My day... Well, big giant suck ass. I know I will find my way up for air and getting on here helps me gets the other crap off my mind.

Hubs got the new exercise machine for me tonight after he went to my doc as I skipped and put it together to try and let my rage out on. Did not ask what it cost but at least it is not weight training like my last I kept hurting myself on. But hell it is a work out looking at it, don't know what the hell it is. bike/jogger/arm things/ buttons/ electric... Looks like a piece of modern art more than for exercise... Wonder how long before one of the kids hurt them self jacking with it. Shit I will probably hurt myself figuring it out.

LOL Veiled. Don't overdo it with the exercise...

Had a pretty good day today, although tired...didn't get much sleep last night...was chatting with Nam and YA - GREAT time, too...didn't want to leave, but had to...:crybaby:

Daughter's 12th birthday was yesterday...spent too much on her, as usual...but she's very appreciative of it all...12 is such a good age...we'll see how 13 is. She woke up yesterday saying that in 365 1/4 days she'll get her cell phone (her sister got her cell phone for her 13th birthday). I just laughed.

just looked at the clock and realized I've been up for over 8 hours... yet I still have not left the basement.
I'm going to write a "to-do" list, otherwise I'll end up zoning out again, lol

Someone needs to go out and buy salt for the icy sidewalk outside,
seeing as everyone otherthan me is asleep...
I'm thinking of venturing out and into a Home Depot or something... eek

Yesterday I wore make-up to my therapy appointment,
first time I've actually "tried" to look OK in a long time,
still can't get out of the safe sweat pants...
but that will come with patience and hard work.

Hopefully I'll be back posting that I actually went and got the salt, lol

Did you get the salt YA? Could you swing over to Iowa? I've got some snow on my walk too....:tongue:

I'm ok today. I have a bad cold and it knocked me out. I was in bed majority of the day today. When I was up, I just wandered around thinking I was going to do something but not doing anything at all.

This totally describes yesterday (and a couple more days)

Yes I did manage to get the salt,
haven't managed to put it on the sidewalk yet,
but at least I got it :)

And Nam, I'd love to swing over to Iowa,
but my intense fear that prevents me from driving any long distances kinda get in the way, lol
Maybe they deliver salt? lol, you never know

Well, I did sweet FA today, and proud off it. I played my new computer game most of the day, did a few household things inbetween, but otherwise just had a day of no real thinking, pressure or work of any type.

i made it a conference this morning that i needed to attend. made it almost all the way through before i just had to get up and go hide out in the office.after while, i am going to make a run out to the drugstore, which is awful on sat. around here, but i think i cna do it, since it's not as bad as walmart or something on sat.
cathy

Cookie,
did you notice that you said "made it almost all the way through before i just had to get up and go hide out in the office"
rather than saying something like "I couldn't make it through the conference" or something else equally as negative??

you aren't extremly upset or bothered by it
You are seeing the positive... the fact that you just about made it all the way through that conference before it got too intense!
Plus, you are looking to tackle the saturday drugstore run... that's awesome cookie, you've come so far already, I can see it :)
Congratulations cookie! be proud!

Anthony, that's awesome! LOL
Everyone needs one of those days every now and then
Enjoy the rest while you can get it, remember the 'lil one is coming soon :)


I was woken up... so needless to say, I was in a pretty pissy mood,
shower was turned on, and he tossed me in there (nicely of course, not in a violent sense)
even that didn't lighten my mood... all I wanted was to be left alone
so then boyfriend asks me to cut up the lettuce for ceaser salad... I just about lost it.

Furious, I left the basement, went to the kitchen and started madly chopping/butchering the lettuce.
Angerily tossing the cut pieces into the sink (it's already full of water and vinegar to clean lettuce)

Then I march back downstairs, turn the laptop on, and zone out.
Boyfriend calls me for food, I go up stairs to find a gorgeous cajun chicken ceaser salad.
And it was soooo damn good... I feel bad for being such a bitch.

Oooppps, just realized I haven't taken my meds... I'm gonna do that after this post....

I'm out of smokes, so I'm gonna have to run to the corner store too... darnit!
Guess I gotta suck it up (about fear of driving) and put the truck into 4x4 and get this done.

lasted 2 whole minutes and pulse hit 150 on new machine... No, I am not out of shape LOL. But getting the heart rate up triggers a panic attack as now I am shaking and feel it coming on. Very normal for me. If I do something that causes something like a symptom, just one sympotom of an attack it triggers one. Normal but will get used to it on the machine. Need to get my ass moving and blood pumping and get healtier and fit in my old clothes and dresses... at least a suit or two.


Pushed myself out of bed today and my shoulders screamed, OK, I am sure I deserve it after my hissy fit, if you can call it that minor. Baby wakes me jumping on the bed and on my tat... ouch that stung. I was not waking in the best of moods and forced myself to eat what hubs made. Had to get up as he wasn't unless I did... Grumbly and mad pissed off he can have caffinee and I cannot smelling coffee... I think I need a round bed, that way there is no "wrong side" to wake up on.

Actually feeling OK right now panic attack part aside. They are all gone to town to pick up some things. So a nice quite house except for chick chirps is really doing me some good...

Really want a nap but am fighting it so I am not stuck up all night.

I actually fell asleep last night and slept with no bad things in my head. Glad to have CDs working and about to pay the guy as I saw on his site he will make one custom to your needs and issues. About $50 but hell it is nothing compared to what I have spent on CDs and a personalized one to boot would be awesome.

I use his freebie downloads that are a little annoying in parts but work better than other stuff I have tried. I need to get a link up in info for his site since he has the downloads you can use for free. Have not bought any from him yet...