:cuckoo: The past few weeks have been absolute torture!!!! I have had to battle with high levels of anxiety while my chem system evened out after going off a med and then going back on....the physiological pain made every day an endurance test...Kept wanting to be able to count to 3 and then to be done with breathing....I have found it so difficult to leave my apt. much....would often end up going back to bed and just lie there shaking like crazy....whatever rest I got just seemed to be burned out by the shaking and trembling....I finally went back to my writers' group tonight [Wed.] I know that my therapist will be asking if I went anywhere in the past week....which was the extra push I needed to leave my apt. ....I read my poem that I had written several weeks ago....It went rather well....it's pretty much at the completion stage....4 people total were there.....so asked about how I could get started on a book....really am starting 2.....The one will require research and is about information that is a handbook about PTSD.....the other is about my living with PTSD....I worked out some times and places to do my writing....The one guy I found out has PTSD and it was good to chat a bit about our experience with it....Now I am a bit more settled.....PLUS I can tell my T [T=therapist] that I actually left my apt. .....Then I've started on my books!!!! :kickass:

good for you!!!!

Didn't go to work this morning. Woke up feeling like pretty rough. Guess I finally caught the cold that's been going around the office. Slept the morning away and I'm feeling a bit better. Maybe all of those vitamins I've been shoving down my throat will make this cold short lived!

I knew when I got home last night that I wasn't feeling to swift, so my hubby and our youngest made dinner for the family while I napped on the couch. All I had to do was get up and eat. Thanks, guys!

Having a bad run at the moment. Can't keep up with the forum - sorry people, I feel like I'm not pulling my weight support wise for you. Been having a lot of seriously bad nightmares the last few nights. Work is crazy as someone else quit and no-one knows what they are doing. Had to leave the office today cos there was so much going on I couldn't cope.

Not really doing a great job of looking after myself either. Must try harder...

Piglet, don't worry about giving us support when you're the one that is needing it!. I'm sorry that you're having a rough time. Work could be easier, couldn't it? (yeah, right....) I wish that would just let up a little, you know?

You'll get through. Take care of you.


I'm doing ok, I guess. I'm just really tired lately, more so than I should be. Anytime I get like this, I worry that depression could be starting. I've had to take naps both yesterday and today. I'm sleeping well at night too. I don't get it.

gr'ass,
Oh the quest for sleep... I remember that, and how much it sucked :(
I hope things start settling for you, and you can get the rest you need!

nightowl,
It must be so nice to have a working fridge again!
I remember when the repair dude fixed my dishwasher.
After 3 months of handwashing every dish for a house full of people in their early 20's...
...I was so happy I was almost ready to hug the guy, lol
Normally I try not to deal with repair men (or any other stranger that comes to my home!) either, but it's something I'm working on.

goingonhope,
I say... be proud that you made it 7 days before having a smoke!
Yes it does suck that you are going to have to start over again.
But you can obviously do it! And I'm rooting for you :)
I know you won't let a little setback hold you back!

Veiled,
LOL that's awesome, heehee
I think a "mute" button would prevent so many headaches, :)
Good job on keeping your temper in check!
And I hope you start feeling better soon

Wildfire,
Why all the med changes?
It's hard on your body trying to get used to all the changing drugs.
I hope things start stabilizing for you, take care :)

nov silence,
I'm so glad to see you here :)
You provide so much support for us
But don't forget that we want to know how you are doing too :)

Marlene,
Awww darnit!... I hope you don't get toooo sick!
Take it easy and make sure you are eating :)
So glad hubby made that extra effort for you last night,
you deserve breaks :)

Piglet, I totally understand where you are coming from,
and right now you need the support,
and that's what we are here for :)
To pick up eachother when they need it.

Nam,
Sorry to hear you are feeling so tired,
but the fact that you are recognizing that depression could hit is important.
At least if it does happen, you will know, and can get medical help as needed.
It's scary when you are severly depressed, and don't know it!


As far as me...?
Two doctor appointments today,
they went over my meds, but no major changes as far as that's concerned

Already in my sweats and chilling in the basement.
Yesterday I had edited and printed out a stencil to use for my front window painting.
So I might get starting on the painting in abit.

Take care everyone :)
Y&A

It's at times like this when I wonder why is it that I seek out pain when I want it to end. I guess I trade one kind of pain for another. Or at least, I convince myself that's what I am doing. When, in truth, I am just adding layers to what's already there so i don't have to deal with what's underneath.

Desire is really hard for me. I am sure I have mentioned this before. I came home and re-enacted the abuse to put my sexual feelings away. I was already blank and kind of shaky bc I drank too much last night. It was the first time in a long while that I got drunk. I was hanging out with a good guy friend (being married keeps me out of trouble) ... and had 2 25 oz beers. And I didn't drink out of wanting to escape. Anyway... I struggle with wanting to be hurt bc I really want love/attention/protection... but don't know how to sit with it/express it without feeling wicked vulnerable. When I hurt myself, I have suicidal thoughts. The re-enactment thing started shortly after the abuse ended (8 yrs old). Telling myself that little girls (menaing only me, not anyone else) deserve to be dead for letting Michael (molester) I struggled with DID. Sorry for the jumbled up thoughts. I am not suicidal.

Hey Nov, get it out.

My day, fired doc#1. Doc #2 on the block for the 22nd... Would have been yesterday if she did not push me back a week. Reminds me I need to go get my records from #3 before the move.

Crap that is the day before Thanksgiving. Just hit me. I have to see her alone to do it, hubs will be in Kansas. My buddy is off that day maybe I can talk him into coming then.

I hated going to doc more than usual. Where he is freaks me a bit as the first ex lives out there, but it was that and emotional knowing my daughter was so close. Doc tried to say she wasn't being a typical bratty teen and she was literally going to drive me insane if she stayed in the house. What ever, OK... Enough of that.

He was gung ho even after I said this was our last visit to do what ever referal needed to help get a ball rolling on a service dog, he though it would do me a lot of good and a great idea, just send the info and there happens to be a trainer in Kansas though the list for one is 1 - 2 years and I told him that. And he loved the idea of anything not involving me on meds. Wants me to keep him posted on progress, pointed out I had his e mail at home. He seems to think I still have a long way to go. Maybe I do but I know I can do this.

My temper is still flaky but steadily getting more manageable again. But feel it in the deep muscle pain and panic attacks which are just annoying the shit out of me. I know I am fine during them, have the head trained for that 99% of the time but bug me none the less. I woke up ready to rip out throats, I have no clue what I was dreaming. But the lines between your eye brows if you make a mad face? Well mine do not normally show unless in the sun squinting a lot. Never in the AM, I went in the bath and they were horrible, I look like I must have scowled all night! I was laying in bed trying to get every one to settle down and let me relax before getting up, I know does not sound like it would make sense. But only a couple hours sleep and I needed to unwind. Did not happen so I was a tyrant and cranked up some old country music in the car. Dolly's I will always love you song came on and started crying... Like I give a rats ass about that song?? After baby and I got home I chilled out and calmed and lost track of time... Until time for doc! Sore shoulders now but I feel pretty OK. Even about the move, doc says I have lived there all my life and so much there will and does trigger me, he think the move will do me good and not have reminders of all the bad at every corner. And I get to learn what a family is LOL...

I woke up this AM to hubs saying it is 7:30... Me freaking and saying shit did you have to take kids to school, thought I had a memory lapse or did not wake. "No, it is Saturday and I have to work"... OK, so wrong memory lapse. He isn't even in school for a week for the holidays and my other son left yesterday for grandparents.

Such a very sore throat and mouth, allergies I guess. Brain is about to take a really big vacation, can feel it coming. Can't think very straight at all at the point of this posting, can feel the decline.

Guess it is the meds, ended up cutting off 1 mg instead of .5 and that cut my dose in half. Hell, better off to get it over with if I don't get too sick. Also, most of my birds left tonight. Hubs brought in my pet hen and he came and asked am I sure that is all. Umm we are moving to an apartment or in a town. Like I can pull off more than one "underground hen"? I did tell him I sure would like to keep one of my silkies and Pearl could use company... but it was totally up to him. I have 2 hens now that will be "underground". I guess he could see it was tearing me up. He brought in a very pretty white silkie and said how about this one (I could tell the woman who was here chose her as it looked like on of my best), so I held them both all teary eyed. I know silly over a chicken but that is me. Something I am good at and now just trying to hang on to a couple not grasping at the breeding programs... Shit how does it go "going to lose the farm"? I lost it, thank you PTSD and the people who put me here...

They could not take all they were supposed to as the carriers and truck were filled. I am guessing my farm will be pretty much barren in the next couple days. I could not even go outside. I was embarrassed how I looked (no make up in jammies) and felt and knew I would just break down seeing so much work just hauled off in a truck. I am friendly with this person and they know I have a "problem", they just do not know what... I have not said. And I hope I did not appear to be an ass not going outside and not letting anyone in. Hubs told her I was crying and did not want to come out to lose it... I would not get on the phone or see her at all.

My hens sat in my lap while they loaded up and just curled up. I am happy hubs is letting me sneak off with an extra hen. It is just the little mini ranch is a big part of my life and walking away is so damn hard.

But seeing hubs give me an extra hen made me see why I love him so... He gets me and what means something to me. I am lucky even if he gets under my skin like the devil sometimes.

LMAO they even have these things called chicken diapers... I have known of them but I am apparently not the only nut who has a house chicken as a pet and they are supposed to work well. Will be getting some, they are reusable. Now long as I don't dress them no padded rooms right? We can say free range carpet chickens in diapers is not crazy if we try... OK, fine I am a nut. I am a red neck and will move some of the farm indoors if I can pull it off.

Goodness I do not feel well, but I know it is right on schedule for the withdrawals, I have been through so many coming off this one drug as I step down. I just can look at it as I am almost there, I can do this even if my mind takes a little break. Poor son has to deal with me come Monday and take care of the baby, hubs last day is Monday and then they head to Kansas to let me go through withdrawals alone.

Why in the hell don't these "mental health" people prepare their clients for being alone on the holidays????:finger: Instead I get "pushed" to go be with a bunch of strangers at some charity holiday meal....Well you bastards....I am in a new town and I don't know where or if there is one!!!! And even if I did it wouldn't help to spend my "helliday" with a bunch of strangers!!!!! I'd just be one of a pack....That's worse than being alone!!!! I invited a friend over and it was all set....then the owner of a restaurant she frequents....offers her $150 under the table to work there T-day so there went that.....if I would have had the chance I would have done the same thing....and that my friends is what poverty is all about!!!! PTSD and POVERTY.....that's what it's all about!!!!!