EH

Been suicidal the last couple of days. Am glad that I seem t have gotten out of that thought pattern.

Sleeping has probably helped a shitload.

been fighting not to cut this week, mainly cos I'm to scared not to cut too deep.

Finally got a new phone number so CFS can't text me anymore.

About all for me.

Pain is really starting to get to me... and it just keeps getting worse.
As it gets colder, the ache is getting stronger :(

Twitching like crazy... I hate this shit,
Just feeling negative.

I'm too messed up to work right now,
plus I have major facial reconstructive surgery booked for Jan 8th, 2007.
The Canadian and Alberta government won't give me financial assistance because my boyfriend makes more than $700 a month
(seriously though, how does the gov't expect people to survive off of that much a month... rent costs more than that!)

After the accident I tried pretend that nothing had happened.
Although I required someone to come with me each time,
I continued to do the extremely part-time work I did while in college
(it was 1-3 shifts a month... 1 hour shifts)

So now the insurance people are saying that even though I have over 3 Doctors who have diagnosed me as not being able to work... I obviously can because I kept my job after the accident.

Then I was pushed to go to more school, no one wanted me to take a break (I had just graduated from college)
so being an idiot I take out a student loan and enroll in another college.
As you all (or most of you) know... I had to leave school for medial reasons.
I basically had a major breakdown.
Anyways... now I have montly student loan payments.
Plus the school penalized me $900, and now I have a collection agency after me for it... I just want to cry.

So in other words... if you don't give up right away, and attempt to get your life back... you get screwed!!! :(
I have morals, so the last thing on my mind was worrying about insurance politics.
Being a hardworker has been something I pride myself in, so quitting a job was hard for me to do.

But looking back... if I would have said "i give up! I have to quit my job! etc." then I would be getting the disability checks I need so desperatly!
How stupid is that!!!!!!
Hardworkers and people who don't wimp out right away lose... at least thats how I feel right now.

Y&A

Hey, so the Canadian gov is a little like ours! Sorry Y&A really am. I can't even imagine the pain you are in, and I was coming to whine about mine. Well, I will anyway LOL.

I feel like I am trying to breathe with a pillow on my face. I am getting so so majorly pissed at my heating pad. It has an auto shut off... and just as it starts to hit where it needs to relieve some pain in my neck and back, what in the hell does it do? Shut off and get cold. The neck pain finally moved from massive tension headache to a migraine so I took anicin and the caffine in it, oh it just does not mix with the cutting xanax, I am uncertain if my heart is beating or I am purring! I am refusing to get off my ass and it is a pain to even get up to pee. At least I ate but my stomache is flipping all over now so we will see how long that counts... And for what ever reason I am running a fever this time. I never have before so I am wondering if what I thought was allergies is really a cold. Fun combo there my throat is so sore and cannot stop the nose blowing leaving it sore. Where the hell is our notorious humidity??? But I am not cold like I usually would be with a fever (I have never had a fever and not be cold so very confusing), I am still getting hot flashes and freezing everyone in the house. I swear I am just going to burst in flames... Zero sleep last night and woke hubs up at 4:30 in the morning with heating oil and said I am dying, just rub. He was tickled with that! OK, so he wasn't...

I imagine most of my day will be this, God this sucks

My grand daddy died this morning. Only just found out.

Not feeling anything yet. Still kinda shocked.

Whoo.... Gr, I am so sorry to hear this. How are you really going with this? Are you ok?

So sorry Gr'ass! Hope you will be okay.

My condolences GR'

Well, I am happy to see my cuts doing well, but it still is a bitch. The back pain is horrible but making it. I think I am actually proud of myself so much making it this far that it is boosting me up enough to cope better. I FINALLY feel like I am doing something. I had set a goal and it has taking a long time to get to the drugs being all the way out and even look forward to the pain come Thanksgiving as I take my last cut and be drug free I just see how long and hard a road the drugs have been for me and coming off. I really thought as it was so much dope that the day of xanax out would never be here or reality. But here it is, just days away. A goal and an accomplishment. I mean I actually am accomplishing it.

I know my head has not been well put together around here and I have been losing my balance, worn out, and depth perception... LOL I won't go there, it makes things interesting for sure.

I know I have typos out the wazoo, but I am typing and trying not to be withdrawn and stay active somewhat.

I would love a massage and after I am done with this last round may go treat myself to one of those long sessions and do the deep muscle. I think I deserve it :) Maybe set something up in Kansas like that to help with a more natural way to relax and get myself out of the home too. Be nice if I could knock out 2 birds with one stone like that.

My son was supposed to help me today, I am annoyed as no help until I told him hubs was on the way home... Now he is doing his chores at least.

I found laughter to also be good medicine. As withdrawals keep me up all night I rented a bunch of stupid shows and stand up acts (hubs did) so when I am stuck up all night I watch those and it seems to help. He is supposed to get me more.

Hubs is officially done at work, he finished what he needed today so I guess the will leave sometime tomorrow and be back next Sunday before school resumes from the Thanksgiving break. I hope it will be nice to have him home and we get to have the fun of sorting and packing and deciding what to keep and what to throw out or freecycle. And it means no more school runs for me as he gets to run the kids around now :) So a nice break and come Christmas I hope withdrawals are done and I can handle driving my car. Will have to make plans to not go through any major cities and take a more "scenic route" as I don't think I will be up to city freeway driving.

All in all not so bad and things are coming together I just feel ill and in pain, but not in a bad way! Day not horrible.

Well done veiled... very well done and congratulations on your efforts. You have come so far, it really is an honor to see.

You know with the city driving, sometimes you have to have the mentality that everyone else has PTSD, and you do not. So when the bumper to bumper, lights and city issues occur, you simply say something like, "wow, that person must have PTSD to be so angry!" It actually gives you a bit of a laugh to think about it on the other side, watching everyone else get frustrated as you casually wave, listen to some music and enjoy the city driving.

When you master it, it makes city driving more bearable most of the time. Yes, you will still have moments, but more good than bad, and practice helps to perfect.

Wow, I feel like I was in a time warp. I thought I was only gone from here for like, a week or two, but now I'm wondering?? LOL

Anyways, I'm doing okay. I've completely given up on school. I feel great about it too. I shouldn't have pushed myself into it in the first place. It just took me a few months to realize that. I have to find a job by January in order to feed kids and pay rent. I don't really care if I work at Wal-Mart or what. I feel settled about this decision.
Life with my kids is interesting. My eldest was and is a complete mess. Oh my god. Everything you could think of is screwed up. He had no underwear or socks. His paper route is messed up to the hilt (and guess who is trying to sort that mess out?) He has no understanding of being a kid. His school work is in the crapper ( I have to sort that out too.) Has no I.D. (his dad lost it all.) so I can't even take the kid to the doc's. He was living without heat, no food in the house, did all the cleaning, cooking, took care of two younger brothers, house filled (and I mean filled as in I have never seen anything like it in my life) with garbage, dog crapping in the house, dead animals in the house etc... It's shock for him to come here. He can not even remember the last time an adult did his laundry!! Saying my kid is screwed up is an understatement!!! On top of this, I have to deal with his dumb ass dad (who is responsible for this mess) and keeps sending this *person* that I hate to take my kid for stupid things that get handled here. I'm starting to get pissed off. However, I am handling it well. I'm trying to ease my kid into structure (so as not to completely shock the hell out of him) and I'm working on each issue as they come up. And by god, there's a ton of them. My youngest is doing great. He's floating on air, having his brother in the house. Amazingly, no fights between the two yet. LOL (that yet is a big yet...) His therapist is no more. He was moved to a supervisor position and the waiting list for a new one is two years. They are only handling suicide cases now. (not enough funding like the rest of Canada) However, this seems to be pointless anyways. The therapist even told me that I know more than him and he considers me an expert on PTSD! He told me that I've done more for him, than he could or any other therapist and to keep up the good work. It was a nice compliment, but holy. My therapist is clueless. Has no idea what to do with me. Ohhh Anthony you are going to love this. He feels that working on my anxiety, spacing out, etc.. would be unhealthy since that is how I cope. LOL, doesn't leave much to work on does it??? Neverless, I like the guy. He shoots straight. Took me awhile to warm up to him. I am , finally, getting referreed to a pysch doc. (could be over a year wait though, suprise, suprise) although the doc is only for diagnosis purposes. He will not work with trauma patients. Gotta love the boonies eh?

Anyways, I got soooo lost in this post didn't I? Sorry. I am doing much better despite all this craziness. I've started to walk down the block and back. (first time since June) although I haven't worked up to walking my dog yet. I still haven't got the nerve to go for coffee or to a friends, but that is an improvement!! Ohhh, did I mention I was fired from my job because of being sick?? LOL, don't care I'll find another one. I am cheerful anyways!!

Bec