WOW bec... is an understatement. You really sound quite happy though in amongst all this, which is the only thing that really matters. I am stoked for you that you have your son back with you now, and that things are looking up in life for you, even though things are a bit messed. It sounds as though your really kinda floating on air, which is great to hear.

Bec, I must say that to most therapists, you would be an expert on PTSD, because you have it and have the skillset to go along with it. Trust me when I say, your blood would be worth bottling if you ever went into practice for yourself treating trauma patients....

Why do therapist run away from the actual problems causing everything? I just can't figure them out... He feels that working on my anxiety, spacing out, etc.. would be unhealthy since that is how I cope. How exactly do they think your coping with this shit, opposed to some short term pain in order to get past it? It seems their idealistic world is to leave you with PTSD so they can continue giving you no treatment for money in their pocket. Sounds just like a doctor to me.... or a pharmacist company.... don't make cures, because no money exists in cures.

Yeah, I am floating on air. It's a good thing too since it's helping me cope with all the issues that just landed on my doorstep! This is the first time my eldest has lived with me since he was six months old and he's 14! How could I not float on air?? hehe

I think when a therapist says that they don't want to change things (like anxiety) they are telling us one of two things. A) that they don't have the training, experience, or skills to deal with it or B) that due to transference (identifying in a personal manner with the client's issues) they are unable to deal with it. They may or may not realize this is what they are saying. Luckily, I know this is what it means. Many don't. The last option would be C) a really lazy idiot!! LOL

My son's therapist actually got therapy from me!! LOL, I helped him with a few issues. We became freinds. I like him. My old therapist I could have counselled. Same with my new one. It's a problem with me. Since I have the training (and it's part of my personality) I tend to end up in a reversed position or reconginzing that I could be. It gives therapists a hard time, since I could be doing the same for them. This can make therapy tricky. Basically, I use them as support, do therapy here and on my own. I really have no other choice. LOL

I've thought about going into practice just for us PTSD'ers but in Ontario you have to have your Masters of Social Work to go into private practice. I'm not sure about anywhere else in Canada though. College doesn't count for much here, but the rest of Canada it does but only Ontario offers the program. Screwed up eh??? Just think, I could have the flexible hours I need, PTSD'ers need, a sliding scale (and I mean cheap, damn therapists are WAY too expensive). I think it would work wonders... Just have to find where I can do it....

Bec

So the family is gone, left earlier today. Will see them this Sunday. Weird seeing how low I can turn my TV on and hear it LOL.

Shrink pissed me off again... I swear that woman gets on every last nerve. When I had my bad time coming off the zoloft so hubs called her and she would not see me and then had the balls to push my appointment back a week. So I am finally supposed to see her tomorrow, intensions to fire when I did. So hubs calls her to double check my appointment time, and they say "Oh. glad you called, she won't be in" Exactly when the hell were they going to let me in on this? So they pushed me back another flipping week again today. :angry-fla

So I am going to go aheead with my cut today to be done with the Xanax. I did not want to be in full blown withdrawal when I saw her so I was going to wait. I took a half this AM but since I am not seeing her I stopped there and decided to might as well quit now. Should be through the worst of it when the next appointment comes around if the stupid bitch keeps it. Why in the hell make an appointment?? So may be just lurking a few days until my head gets back on straight...

Bec, I know what you mean about the therapists. I'm not one, but I guess I think pretty differently to most, and I used to do this to my counsellors. I would bounce things back at them that they just asked me, but in a different sense to see if they could apply their own theoretical reasoning to themselves. For everything they couldn't, I then asked "how do you expect me to do something that you can't do yourself?" Counsellors just didn't like me because some ended up in counselling with me, me being the counsellor to them, and I'm not even qualified. My mind is just wired a little differently I guess, so I can see things and process them that others just completely miss. Maybe dropped on my head at birth or something.... he he :)

Veiled, does that mean you are now medication free? If I got that right, and you just dropped two mg in the past day or so, your about to fall off your perch and you need to be very careful, because you have stated that this crap really mucks with your system, and its about to send you over the edge dropping it all and moving in the same week.

Veiled, please be careful... hell, even get someone out to spend time with you and let them know they need to monitor your moods. Please be careful, I really don't want you busting shit up anymore, or worst, hurting yourself.

I am pretty sure I took my cut to 1 mg about or on the 18th (here). It jacks with me about 4 days, but just as far as getting ill and pain with a few weird symptoms. Not the mood swings or overly emotional as the other meds. Jumpy yes, but homicidal no... I will admit I feel like a new definiton has been given to hypervigilance. My 4 days are or should be just wrapped up and dumping it a day and a half ahead of schedule. But you have to remember I would have done this before seeing her, I just did not want to be in withdrawals to boot when I saw her as scheduled. Since the apointment is cancelled no worry there so might as well. The xanax does not so much jack with my moods but the sense of security which is lowered with hubs away. The move will be a few more weeks, he is just finding the house this week. I will be OK. Just spend a few days to calm the panic attacks with what I know and try not to jump at a shadow :)

My dog is being extra cuddly with the house empty, she knows and does not get on furniture, but when hubs has to be gone overnight she is all in the bed or on the sofa with me, so she is helping.

But I am following my body and signs and keeping the cut safe. A day early will not hurt... Ok, will not injure! But now drug free and happy about it, it has been a long time coming. I am really not feeling as bad as I thought I would resuming cutting this one, but all I can guess is the confidence and achievment of getting off is making it easier. And hell not to mention I am so used to full blown panic attacks... How many times does the jack in the box pop out before it stops startling you? Basically there now. That was what the xanax was for was to control that portion. Now I know enough to control it and not freak out. Does not make them stop but it does make me know exactly what is happening enough not to be scared and just go into it. Going in normally stops them.

If you think its right for you veiled, all I can say is congratulations. I had that rough thought in the back off my head that those 2mg would actually be messing with you more than just not having them at all. Medications truly don't work well in small doses, even though some think they do, they are not designed to do that generally...

Well done veiled, and welcome to the med free side of PTSD. Now a bit more fun stuff for you, but management comes easier now because you know the other side of things, ie. returning to meds!

In some trouble today. Was awoken to some bad, frightening news, news I don't even feel safe talking about, for whatever crazy reason I just don't feel safe mentioning it now.

Then I took some actions that I now fear might sabotage a nice Thanksgiving day tommorrow. I didn't know what to do. Looked at pictures reminding me of the hell of yester-years and then called my mother, as I haven't spoken with her in a couple of wks. and quite likely she has no place to go for Thanksgiving. So I called to invite her over our house today and for ham dinner this evening. So what was my reasons for calling her? Well, consciously I know some. I feel terribly guilty that she'll be alone on Thksgn and I hadn't made any attempt to invite her anywhere. 2nd, I fear that she's up to resenting me again, as she hasn't called here much, if this be the case, I fear I must manipulate this likelihood, and try to prevent this from happening, because if this happens, I'm f'n Scared! And, 3rd, I have pictures of hers to return and hope to borrow some more.

Now, how's the day been, well let's just say it's not what of my better ones.

back again.

Funeral was interesting. It took a while for me to let me feel, even now I'm still pretty distant.

I was close to my grandad and I still haven't cried for him. I understand that he has gone, that I won't ever have his place to be safe at again, but I can't feel the loss.
I wish I could feel it. I know I cut it'll retrigger my emotions, I just don't want to cut. I need to find a way of feeling without having to harm myself first.

Not too bad of a day. I'm a little off today and not sure why (well sort of.) I've been having nightmares from hell. (you know the ones where you soak your bed in sweat and are up for about 20 hours afterwards??? those lovely ones.) I think they are because I was served with papers to testify in court for the threats.. The nightmares started the night I got them... so logic says that is what it is from. My face is completely raw. I have some weird rash that itches and burns all over it. I think it is either stress or an allergy and can't make up my mind which one. Yes the rash just started too.. so might be connected with the nightmares??? no idea. Anyways.. guess what I did today???? I walked my dog. Yep I did. First time since.. um June or something crazy like that??? I even did it at night!!! I got very creeped out at the end of it and couldn't wait to get home but I did recognize that I was just having an axiety attack. So I think I did well anyways. I was out for about half an hour. I'm very proud of myself!!!

Anyways hope you are all having a great day!

Bec

Just found out that I am NOT getting any more funding (I was expecting over 1500 by Friday.) I now need a job as of yesterday due to bills!!! My stress level just went through the freaking roof... I have bills piling up as I speak and a second mouth to feed... wonderful thing to discover right before bed... I have no idea what the answer is... Have to start hounding for a job ASAP.. before the phone, gas etc.. gets cut off.. damn it

Bec, also mighty proud of you here too... well done. Sorry to here about the funding stuff.... yuk for anxiety.