Well emotions are finally hitting. Think I've cried for the last hour.

I feel like every emotion has been scraped raw, every memory I have of what my brother did has been flashing in front of me. The tastes, the feel. It makes me feel so sick.
I can't breathe. I have to go I have to calm down. I wish he were dead, I wish he could feel every moment of terror, every pain that he put me through. I wish my brother would be punished, I wish there was a punishment that fits what he did to me. I wish I could heal. He makes me feel as if every attack on me is happening again. Every time he is close to me. It's so much worse now I living in the same house as him again. How the hell can I keep living in this house when the very walls remember. It's tearing me apart and I don't know if I can make the pieces fit again.

I'm utterly terrified of him but I just don't know where to go. I have nowhere left to run. I just want to feel safe again.

praying for you, cass, breathe, you are safe--you would not let that happen again, you are not a child now. these are things i tell myself when the flashbacks come and come. hang in there!
cathy

GR, there are womens shelters in Townsville that you could contact and discuss with them possibilities of support, funding and housing with. Maybe they can help you get out of the environment off being with him.

Tough start to the morning, but did things right and this soon changed, our family went to mother-in-law's house for Thanksgiving dinner and we'all seemed to enjoy ourselves and each other. Abruptly and briefly irritable this afternoon, followed by withdrawn and scatterbrained. Later relaxed a bit and played noisy game of scrabble jr. Tonight depressed, somewhat feeling in shock of the reality of my PTSD. Very strange, but true. And, tonight finding some humor and inspiration to lift my spirit.

Was just havng a bad day yesterday I think. PTSD ways anyway. I feel like I have a circuit in my head that trips whenever something happens.

Anthony, the only with moving out is that I still want my mum. I'm scared of living alone, scared that even if I was with people, if they weren't people I cared about I would do a really stupid thing.
I'm walking on the edge of a blade and I am terrified that I will slip. I don't want to die, I really don't, I just don't trust myself to be alone when I am thinking them thoughts.
I don't trust myself much at all.

I totally understand that, Grass. I know that when I was at my worst, I would surround myself with people so I wouldn't do anything..well, stupid. And also the fact that you care so much for your mum is great. I do believe, though, that you will get better and that there will be a time when you need to make that decision to leave. I think it's best that you do leave soon. Once again, if you don't trust yourself, surround yourself with people. I hope your situation changes for the better soon......


I'm good here. It seems that the good days keep stretching out longer and longer. I do have some not so good days but it seems rare. I had a stressful few days trying to get the house ready for the appraiser and I feel that I handled the stress ok. (I did throw the mud knife and flung mud everywhere when I was doing drywall...:crazy-blu ) My husband pointed out that when I get stressed I push everyone away. I probably do. I'm not a misery wants company type person. I like to be by myself. I've even noticed that when I write on this forum, it's only when I feel pretty good. Kind of defeats the purpose, eh? I hope that you all have a great weekend. My husband and I are going to try to tackle the crowds and go shopping today. He's determined to spend over thirty dollars on a bra. His idea!!! LOL!

i know what you mean about not trusting yourself cass, do you have therapy? my therapist has been a good "safety net" for me.
cathy

GR, you know what is best for yourself, no doubt. What I will add though, is just ensure you really are applying logic too it all. Is it better to be with your mum and abuser, or is it better to be elsewhere where you can still visit your mum daily? Which is going to cause more anxiety for you?

I thought that I was going to leave my mother's house this morning bc I feel like killing to a certain degree... stayed and have slep most of the day.

I stil hate and love her.

Anthony, truthfully I don't know. I just want to hole up in my cave and ignore the world.
Anxiety wise, while I have been still having a lot of panic attacks here at mums, they are no where near as bad as the ones I was having when I was alone. My brother leaves me pretty much alone, doesn't come near me, doesn't talk to me and most importantly doesn't touch me.

I will eventually leave mums, but at the moment, at the moment the stress levels are manageable.

The other day when I posted I was only just starting to deal with my grandad dying. The emotional pain that I let myself feel was enough added stress to make me loose it.
I needed to feel it, I needed to grieve. I just didn't have to like it.