Hmmm, good point shadow...

I feel my normal good self... I think I have a little bit of stress building, but not sure why yet. I know this because I have had a few tight pains across the chest, you know, the usual anxiety type pains. Not much, just a little, but enough to make me notice that my brain is doing something that I need to find before it gets on top of me.

It could just be because Kerrie-Ann is pregnant, she does need more emotional support, which I am not really that capable of giving because of pregnancy change, because she didn't need extra before being pregnant. Its funny at times, in that I ever so slowly weave myself into being more emotional, ie. over months and months, if not a year even, then it only takes one thing to make me step back and hold it all in again. My last trip to Townsville was that shot in the arse, earlier this year, which I have only mentally recovered in the last month or so, and now slowly weaving myself again emotionally.

I think maybe some of this building stress is because Kerrie-Ann is pregnant, and emotional, which is hard for me to deal with really, because I am pretty emotionless when forced to be emotional. Wrap your head around that one... If someone is trying to suck emotion from me to make themselves feel better, then it makes me lockup even tighter, where if I am allowed to do my own thing and very progressively get my emotions in tact again, then I am fine when they are needed. I think that pregnancy is too much force towards me, which actually just makes me recluse emotions again, otherwise I could be extremely vunerable. PTSD works in weird and wonderful ways, I'll give it that.

Honestly though, I am very very good at present, even though Kerrie-Ann may think otherwise... which IMHO is just because pregnancy hormones are running wild, and I really am not emotionally capable because of the what happened too me returning to Townsville to deal with the emotional overload that pregnancy portraits. Not what she wants to hear, but its how things are with me I believe.

I was getting quite emotional again, ie. able to give and feel before returning to Townsville earlier this year, but it sucked it up and locked it away again, so that is my constant work over the past and next months, slowly releasing them all again, so I can be that all wonderful husband once again... problem is, when I get them back, or let them out, she won't be pregnant anymore... but I have a rough idea she will need them again when next bub is on the scene... LOL

Awww... thanks Shadow,
Everyone here has helped me so much already... thank you for that :)
You all rock

Today's alright, spent the whole day housecleaning...
back is killing me but my carpets clean,

I've been a little unsettled today. I don't know why. Yesterday afternoon, while helping a student with some work, everything seemed odd. It was like there was too much going on around me and I wasn't safe. I nearly ran out of the room to get some air, cos I was feeling really weird and just wanted to be away from everything. It did pass and I did not leave the room. I don't think anyone even noticed I was not feeling right.

The same thing happened this afternoon. I was just sitting watching some tv and then the programme didn't seem to matter anymore. I just felt like I did before - unsafe and unsettled. This time I also felt very angry and end-of-the-worldish. I took the option of getting outside and coming up to the office to log some computer time. I don't know what this is, or what is setting it off. There doesn't seem to be any common factor.

Thing is, both times I was not stressed as such -my concentration just suddenly shifted. I don't understand what's going on. Is this dissociation or flashback? Just without the images etc? Or am I just plain crazy?

I only know the answer to your last question:

NO.

Yep, definately not crazy. Maybe a little disassociation, maybe just some flight has kicked in, possibly stress, anxiety, just to name a few. You will get better as time goes on as associating each symptom to yourself, and identifying them before they get out of hand. This is just part of learning Piglet. I know what your saying, because I used to get the same sort of thing when I was still working with PTSD, and didn't know the implications of it at that stage. One minute I would be at the computer, the next I couldn't type anything, the next I had to get outside because my body told me too. It felt like I was being suffercated or something, and needed open space.

I think its part of the disassociation and reclusion that comes with PTSD, part and parcel with all other symptoms. See, when you first discovered the worst of PTSD, you probably didn't have all the symptoms, because most don't. The symptoms list is long, and I have suffered them all, so I have a good understanding of each also. Look at the symptoms of PTSD, see which one fits the best, and know what it is for the next time it strikes, so you can identify with it, then take action before it becomes too much. It is only through suffering all the symptoms, and identifying with each, that you will learn which is which, how to identify them uniquely and then put into action the techniques, skills and education you gain on each for your individual self.

Went drinking tonight.. not a good idea
see you all tomarrow

I was going to have a drink tonight. Maybe I won't after all!!! Hope your head is ok YA! Take care!

It's Father's Day. I'm celebrating all my fathers in my life; birthdad, adoptdad, and the best father of all, my hub. Have a great day y'all!

Good stuff Nam... a cause for celebration is always a good cause. Enjoy the day... and tell us how you went and what you up too if you don't mind. Its always great hearing about the positive sides of each day from those who endure PTSD, or live around it.

Congrats, and enjoy.

Yeah, my head is killing me,
good thing you re-thought that drink Piglet, lol
And trust me... I'm not drinking again any-time soon.

Got alot of stuff done today,
'cause my mom is in town and shes motivating me to do it
which is great!
and cleaning/weeding gives me something to do (good for my anxiety)

Happy Fathers Day!