congrats on the job doing so well, nov.
Cass, i'm sorry you're having such a rough time, esp. with your mother, you're right, she doesn't get it. please don't keep cutting, i care--that is a hate crime against yourself, girl! you will get through this, keep going.
cathy

Cookie, I won't cut anymore. I'm not doing it for anyone else, I'm going clean for me. I have to heal and cutting wasn't letting me heal.

It's hard, especially when I come accross on of blades, I'm not even sure where I hid them, not all of them. I sat there staring at one the other day. All I could think was, just one more cut.
I didn't. Was so hard not to, but I didn't.
Your right it being a hate crime against myself. I cut to punish myself for something that I finally realized wasn't my fault.

I didn't realise how chaotic my mind was the other day. At least not till I reread it. I didn't even remember posting, I'm amazed it even made that much sense.


Today on the other hand was pretty quiet. I slept most of it, was just totally exhausted from yesterday. Mum left me to sleep. Usually she'll ring or drop in to get me up before midday. Mainly to make sure I am okay, that I haven't hurt myself.
Today she dropped in and turned the air con back on for me. I didn't even half wake when she opened the door. The panic attacks, horrible and overwhelming as they are, them I can understand. The sheer almost comatose exhaustion after, that I don't get. Probably ought to ask about it.

Anyway, after *finally* crawling my ass out of bed, mum reminded me (she'd finished work by then) that we had my nieces that afternoon because sis was working. Took them to the carols, I was feeling while not totally level, at least functionable. Was fine out, just a little startley. Bec was singing with the choir and she'd asked if I'd come watch her weeks ago. If it hadn't have been for promising her, and the fact I'd have to spend the evening with bro dearest I probably wouldn't have gone.

It was good. I couldn't totally relax though, I was on high alert still, at least I didn't have another bad panic attack. I think mum started to realise that I wasn't real comfortable near so many people, ended up moving so I could put my back against a fence. It made me feel some what better.

It's odd, much as mum and I fight and she tries to ignore my PTSD, there moments where she picks up on how I'm feeling and does little things like that that make me go wow, you do care.

And this has turned into an essay. Go figure.

Oh, I have gotten mum to agree to talk to some one after christmas. Why wait till then? her hours at work are getting cut back (doc's orders) and she will have the spare time to get there.
I basically told her when she made a sarcastic comment about me wanting her to go because' of course she couldn't deal with me cutting' that no, it wasn't because of that. I stood up to her and told her that my cutting had nothing to do with it. I told her that she had to face what hapened and deal with it instead of making snide remarks to me or ignoring it, because she wasnt coping. SHe just stared at me before telling me that yeah, that could be a good idea.

It's a start at least.

That is a wonderful start! As for why you are so wiped out after panic attacks... They can get so intense at times and if you think about it, your blood pressure is rising, heart racing. All the symptoms are like a really good cardio workout, one that doesn't stop. It is no wonder you are wiped out.

Heee, just wish it didn't last for days. At least I didn't end up with a migraine today. XD

Did however sleep till noon again. *erm* got to sleep normal hours tonight, plummer is coming tomorrow to look at the toilet.

Going to be interesting having some one in my space I don't know.

I did plumbing for a short while... I was doing an apartment rehab and I guess it was better than sticking me with the guys (I hated the hot attics any way), they ended up putting me on maintence. I liked it as it was easy shit to fix (I do all the plumbing repairs at home shaking head at hubs) but one time I had a little old chinese lady scare the living shit out of me!!! She came in the bathroom as I was on my back under the sink screaming in Chinese... White hair, almost white eyes from blindness. The yound woman home got her out apologizing up and down as I shook. The bathroom was a good spot for me about then... So LOL it can go both ways! God, I hated that job...

pets

true

And I finaly remembered how to spell PLUMBER!!!!!!

Our loo keeps trying to run away. And it hisses.

All it needs is a redback on the seat to make a true aussie icon.

heh, so much for an early night.

My day, thus far, sucks. Last night did too.

We have 3 dogs, the oldest of which is a 13-year-old Boston Terrier that we rescued from imminent death 2 years ago.

Looks like we're going to have to put him down today. He's lost a tremendous amount of weight in the past two weeks and now he's not eating. He doesn't seem to be in pain, but there's just so much that's not right with him. He's old and has lived a good life and I believe we made his life better for the last 2 years, but damn, it hurts so much.]

My grief is selfish, I know...but hell...it hurts.

Just got back from the vet and yes, we put him down. He had lost 9 lbs. in the last 2 weeks, from 31 lbs to 22 lbs. Vet thinks he either had end-stage Cushing's Disease or a tumor on his spleen.

Good ole boy has now crossed the rainbow bridge and is romping with his friends in a faraway field.

Damn it...death sucks.

Kim, I am so sorry. Losing a pet is devastating, especially when they were such an emotional support. Hugs to you girl...take care of yourself.

Better day today. Lost sleep last night so was somewhat worried about today. But did get a short nap this morning. Husb. stopped by during his work day and brought me a dozen white roses. The day is going well and I will be going out tonight. Aunt is visiting family. Kids are well.