How is your cold nov, is it much better yet?

My husb. has asked me to be kind to him also, still does at times for that matter. I hear you! Hang in there nov, and you'll get through this cold and feel much better.

Been plotless all day. Had to go put centerlink form in so I could get paid. Was anxious all morning. Was up at 7am, didn't calm enough to go till 1pm.

Had to go to Stockland (the biggest shopping center in Townsville) to grab something off of laybye for mum. Freaked out. Panic attack in the toilets. At least I only threw up once.

No I forgot the layby.

Get home, bro dearest starts being his usual lovely angry hurl abuse at Cass cos she'll take it self.
I ignored it for probably an hour.. When I did finally react I got (from mum) the lecture on 'Oh I don't know what your problem is'

I felt like :angry-fla :hit-boss: :up-yours:


I knew this fight had been brewing lately. Still, I was like WTF. All I want is for them to get that hey, guess what, Cass has some bloody bad days sometimes. Hey Guys, I can't always pretend like if f***** peachy. Sorry if I make life an issue for you too, sorry if I make you have to deal with the bad shit. I just don't care what you think about at the moment. I feel like I'm going through hell and the have no idea. It doesn't matter how much I yell scream rant or rage at them. It doesn't matter if I cry or talk to them reasonably, they just don't see it.

I am so tired of trying to get them to understand my PTSD. I am so sick to death of having it ignored, as if if they can't see it, if they don't admit it's there it isn't.

Are they that ashamed of me?

ooohhh...cass this here rings with me. Sensitive to this one bc I think I remember exactly the frustration of trying to get family to understand, not my PTSD bc I didn't know I had it at the time, just my very ill and frightening condition and tried to get them to understand that I just could not handle what was being thrown in my direction. In my past, with my family, I tried to get them to care, be willing to learn, consider a different possibility than their complete denial that if they didn't admit it it wasn't real. Drove me absol. nuts. Made myself terribly sick vomiting, panicking, redoubling my efforts and always it was like bashing my own head up against the wall. I couldn't figure out for the life of me how family couldn't see and care about what's real. The only relief I've ever gotten from this is having had finally beaten myself, into a sense of reasonableness, I had to give up trying to create vision, where in MY families case their is only a welcoming blindness. My mother and sisters and such, appar. have chosen to remain blind. And I was making myself ill trying to do the impossible.

cass, sorry if this is less than useful, I was triggered when I ever read: your mums saying, I don't know what your problem is, and I can't always pretend I'm peachy, and nearly everything else.

hang in there cass, and please do your best to be good to yourself. You know what's what, and I'm trusting you'll get through it all, and your trials will all become not so hot memories, bad memories, good memories bc you got through it all....but whatever some kind of memory of your past. As wanna' see you heal and move forward. You deserve peace cass!

Doing better today. I have decided to take it easier at work (not scurry and scamper and stress "at all") and give my best to my home life instead. Cold is better, I look forward to a solid night of sleep.

goingonhope, thank you.

I may still feel like I'm banging my head against a wall but I have to stop stressing about it.

Hard thing is, I was always the kid that took words to heart. Every bad word, every argument gets replayed over and over again. It just seems to have gotten worse as I get older.

I want to find tranquility, I will get there one day.

I am still "the kid" who takes things to heart... even though I don't want to. Sometimes s*** my mother says cuts to my quick and I just want to fn throw up and scream at the same time.

I am right there with you Cass, in search of the t word

Heh, heres for Cass growing a thicker skin and us both being at peace with ourselves.

Curls up and hides from RL.

After midnite, can't sleep. Down to one temazepam and doc won't give me another script.

Yay joy.

And waiting for the damned electrition all day is seriously giving me the shits.

Really. I mean, I mightent particularily *want* to join the rat race out side, but being stuck at home just passing the time away is making me go stir crazy.

At least I'll be able to get out thursday, if bro dearest drags his sorry ass out of bed.

He has the hide to complain that oh poor me, I don't sleep at night.

Yeah but he sleeps all day. I just wish I could get more then an hour at a time unmedicated. Really. Grrs. Going to stop or I will end up all wound up again. Not good if I want to sleep at all tonight.

i had my first day back at work and it was good to see i have way to many friends.......

by the way i forgot the most best thing i did ..i gave a engagement ring to my girlfriend...lol:tongue: :tongue:

Congrats to both of you!!! Sending wishes for the best life has to offer both of you.