Same here Y&A, Even take son to school in jammies and slippers with a jacket of course so not to embarass son,LOL. Today hasn't been too bad kids are still sick. Oldest went to doc. this morning, sinus infection,double ear infection, and bronchitis. Youngest went yesterday and has a viral infection. Have her on Albuterol because every time she gets a virus her chest closes up. Questioning Asthma. Arianna (3yr.) is almost done with her antibotics for strep. Between the three of them I feel like a pharmasist. The thing that sucks the worst is our copay went up this year and it was 100.00 out of pocket to take the youngest to the Emergency room last night. Even the nurse and the registration people were shocked at the amount. We would be better off on the states insurance. Trying to get laundry done between comforting kids. Not sure I'll ever get caught up.

didn't show luke around. Just haven't had the energy.

i am late for church, it feels like i am setting myself up to be late everywhere, lol. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkkk!

blah...blah...just plain ol' blah. :crazy-eye Confused and Numb. Attention span shot...it's gone someplace and hope it returns as I'm not sure what direction I'm heading in in any given moment. Must recover my ability to think straight as this is frightening. Will try to force myself beyond this confusion as I feel useless and ashamed in this state of mind.

have begun to think and almost believe that if I would just drink beers or wine throughout my day, interrupted with some rum & coke's, I'd again think straight and be just fine. This has to be BS.

Nah hope, not BS... just avoidance kicking in.

You sound like me... I know it's not good... but my mind needs the break so bad that I just crave the escape.
The fact that you a recognizing it rather than just indulging... thats exactly what you want to be doing!!!

Ya' thanks YA....you nailed it. AVOIDANCE ... I have a long history of avoidance behavior. AVOIDANCE is so ingrained in my pyche and so much of a habit since I was preschool, that now at 39yrs., I don't know where it begins and where it ends.

Six hrs. from my last post here and feeling more competent. I used the forum's search for the first time today, selecting the word abortion. I read word for word at least four of the threads that resulted. What I'm feeling now, who knows? Will say, that I know what an abortion is and what it does. Sickens and hurts me very deeply. I wish I could ERASE reality and my life's decisions. I have no control over the present realities and results of my past decisions and life that are now scattered all about and hitting me square in the face...not now. Don't really know yet how much control I ever did or didn't have, as I haven't yet had the time to delve deeper. Must!.....

In most of life in general, I tend to be unreasonable with myself, I've dragged this unmerciful, unforgiving and unreasonableness with and toward myself, along with me eversince I was very young.

Today I posted suggesting that I'm not willing to do whatever it takes to heal....now I realize, 6hrs. later and with much alone time and availability that I am willing and that the only thing that's going to slow me down, but not stop me, is the reality of my families life as it is....that being a very busy family life.

So here's to me remaining on track, having just passed through....just exactly what I needed to, and better off for it. By the way, that's sparkling cider or something of the sort in those glasses above. lol

Hope, I am glad you are feeling strength to fight this and apparently address an issue and trauma that needs it. My heart goes out to you. You can do this. We will be here.

I am soo tired, Sleeping but not sleeping. I've been fighting in my sleep again. I don't remember why but even my dog won't sleep with me. (you know it's bad when) woke up tis morning at 6 am while in mid swing. Barely any sleep. I went to my dad's for the day, first time since x-mas. He asked if I was emerging frommy fog. nope not relly. tried to sleep there too. nota chance. Got home laid donw, i just woke up, and had a biazzare dream about my eldest and his grandmas. I woke up stressed anf figting.. still no sleep..

so my question is.. WHO HAS MY FRYING PAN? I want it back because I need to get knocked out again.

I am exhuasted and I can't tink and I feel like crap.. so give the frying pan back! Ohh an dyou have to hit me with it too.

bec

LOL

Bec, reading your post I read Got home got laid :faint:

snuggles and hides
Guess it means almost sleep time for cass *is rat shit*

Slept 4 hours last night with sleeper.

Freaked on Luke beforehand when he tried takingme home.

I have told him about the abuse (can't remember if I shared that) and he knows who did it too.

Gacks and starts crying yet again.

I am so sick of the fecking yo yo moods GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR