ugh, barely awakes.. so take with greain of salt..

I printeed out thatpost already.. just waiting for things to calm down abit to try and od it..

yeah that is too much lately, way too much.. addin the imagery and the lack of meds.. and you get me!

I didn't cry but I think I need to schedule in down time.. now i have to go get matt who got hurt.. some kid nailed him in the nards with abasketball.. poor kid is swollen.. catch ya after docs..


hope that made sense
bec

Oh no, I hope he feels better soon!

my day... Last night I was pissed. Mainly as so tired and jealous hubs cans just hit a spot, any spot and pass out cold. I swear he could sleep soundly on a cement floor. Me? I could be on a pile of feathers and still not settle. Incredible back pain. Very small precise area but it is still killing me. Hubs offered to try to rub it out and I said OK... Then he frigging started snoring again. Ugh. Rolled over and held the dog instead. So woke to the pain still there but spread and my throat feels swollen. Classic panic coming on, took my morning meds sipping my tea and it just does not want to back down. I know it can get worse but the last couple hours have been a roller coaster and waves of panic that are not taking full hold at least. My eyes feel like when I did sleep I must have slept with them open, I would have killed for visine. Still could use some.

Decided I need a break. I am going to try to send the toddler to the grandparents tonight since my teen is already staying over there to go to a game tonight. Pick him up in the AM and see about letting her get some alone time with them for the day. The house needs to be cleaned so I can make them help with no toddler under foot.

Basically feel like I have been run down by a train today. Hope it gets better.

*looks across the room... sees med bag on other side*
Ughhhhhh.... I need to get up

Well. It sounds like you guys could use a world of hugs (and a butler or two? - oh, but that's a husband isn't it???).

I've had/am having a strange day. I was supposed to go on a College trip today, but as the country is at a standstill (we had about 2 inches of snow), the trip was cancelled. I don't normally work Fridays, so I went home, seeing as I wasn't going to get paid for staying. Trouble was, my mind just would not accept the change of plan.

I've pretty much just wandered around in a daze all day. At one point I thought about writing something in my diary, but then some crappy daytime telly program came on and my brains turned to jelly. That's my excuse anyway!

I hope you guys all have a great weekend - things have gotta look up eventually!

Well, matt is much improved.. with nards.. LOL but anxiety really bad.

I had doc's appointment.. he upped the meds.. Zoloft to 50 mg.. that's not too bad.. gave me my sleeping pills back, thank god.. was not happy about me running out at all.. I am am ess today.. put me on disablity.. discovered that they nurses or someone lost my referral to psych.. I've been waiting six months already. had to resend referral.. and wait for a year from today! Not imppressesed told him I'm willing to move if that is what it takes .. looks like it will. he also told me the psych here only believes in cbt and meds.. no exposure nothing.. said he can count on one hand how many pysch's in canada can do exposure therapy etc.. Told him fine.. I will move whereever one is available.. He checked my throat.. everything is good.. just a weird cold in back of throat.. had horrid anxiety attacks in there.. it was nasty.. doc was very concerned.. so all went wel..

just took an ativan and I[m going to sleep.. will catch up with everyone later

bec

Spent the night puking from coughing.. ugh.. have no voice.. it's just a whisper... I think i threw up all my medication too.. not sure.. very waek and sick.. will be a quiet day I think.

bec

Hope you feel better. When I called the pharmacy when I was doing a lot of puking they told me if an hour had passed since taking the meds and the throwing up not to worry about it. Call your local pharmacist for the info. IMO they are better than the doctors on any given day and available 24hrs to answer those kinds of questions and safety of combining meds and giving you all the ins and outs of the meds. They are worth their weight in gold. My first clue how high a dose of meds I was being prescribed. Mine told me in his career he had never seen the doses as high I was on ever prescribed. I had asked is it normal to take this much and that was his answer. They are freely available just ask for the pharmacist on duty at any 24 hour pharmacy and you don't even have to use that pharmacy.

My day yesterday was waves of mild attacks. All flipping day draining me and just teetering. My son called that night wanting to go to someone's home I did not know today... No number, but the FIL said it was a good kid and the one he had set my son up with to show him around when we moved. So I am trusting FIL on this but told my son I want numbers when he gets there and speak with the parents, already did a predator check and none in that town at all and it is even smaller than the one I am in! So I told him fine as they are building models for school.

Then MIL got on the phone wanting me to come over. I felt like a deer caught in headlights. Me, morning? Sure! Then I hung up and swore I was dying that teetering flipped and was one of the worst I had in so long. I mean bad bad. I don't recall them this bad. Busted out my meds and I had to dose 3 times once every hour to calm down. That last one calmed me a wee bit more than I expected. I felt so sane and normal compared to everyday, I could think. I actually got drowsy and went to bed around 1 AM about an hour after my last dose. I slept so hard for 6 hours and no waking up, no dreams I recall. God it felt so good stretching out, felt like a lazy cat stretching in the sun.

Told hubs I am taking my prescribed dose today, I am supposed to take 4x than what I actually do. I said I am going to give myself a break today and go back to torture again tomorrow. But I need it. Kids are all gone today until 4. I need to clean house but a really hot bath with out "momma!" sounds so good. And hubs is gone to take the baby over there. I ducked out as I could not get ready, all the effort went into french braiding the toddler's hair. She hate grams piggy tails so I was "saving her" as she gets them soon as she gets there. Anyone who ever tried to french braid a squirmy 3 yo should understand why I did not have time to get ready to go! Then hubs is off to go into the closest major city to get his computer from work he forgot (any hope of him helping I think went out the window) Whole point of all kids gone was to clean! Plus a hair cut which he needs so no biggie there.

Just feel like I got left alone to take care of this on my own. Not happy about it but at least I can get it done. Plus I plan on hitting his power button when he comes back during cleaning unless he has some RL Burnside playing on it, then I will let it be! But if he is reading the normal crap he does... Power OFF!

Trying not to kick myself for the meds last night. I felt so much better but also like a failure for having this crap. I forgot what normal felt like. I really miss it. I was doing all the bad inner dialog for sure. And could tell hubs was a bit annoyed when I crashed. Especially when he got me a drink for my pills and tapped me on the shoulder to give it too me. Yea, left my skin and was pissed off. Lots of sorrys... but today I feel like I should not have apologized. I never lashed at him or was mean and got his supper together. I should not feel guilty for crashes, they happen. Life.

I wish I had the energy to reply... I'm just suffering from a brain fart at the moment.