Thank you mac :)
I am doing my best to finish my story, hopefully it will be caught up to date some day, lol

growls and snarls

at home. alone all night with the a$$hole tonihght

guess i won't be sleping good tonight either

got the twitches, they are driving me mental!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been up since 4AM... woke up and got sick.
Feeling better now, just planting some seeds for indoor herbs and plants.
My dad is coming to town tonight I think... good thing my house isn't too messy. lol

Ucky day....I hate Mondays anyway... I'm not sleeping well these days. My mind is tormented. I hope this is just a little phase..

been up... arguing over BS. Not sure if it is today or yester... Just not a good day.

just feel so aggressive today everything sets me off and I thinknmost of it g=has to due with the fact I talked to my uncle , so in advance sorry all

I miss my hubby.
I know he's safe & getting the rest he needs. I know this will be a good thing for him. He is getting the opportunity to take his society mask off & can really let it all come out. I'm proud of him for going in to seek help.

I cried last night after he rang to say goodnight & I'm still a bit teary today but I think thats a good thing. Means I still love him!

Stayed awake all night long. Got my children off to school. Napped today for 1 1/2 hr. Adjusted the entire day to consider a very sleepy mommy. Friend rang, and rang and rang to wake me, as I had asked, that I might arrive to pick up children from school. Changed the plan after waking and quickly enrolled kids, for the day-til 5pm in after school prog.

No outbursts of tension and frustr. lately from husb. which is making life oh' so very hopeful. Kids have been saying a great deal in the last couple days, all sorts of SWEET, SWEET things. (not being sarcastic) for Real.

One change I've really noticed a great deal in the last month, is that I'm more loving, dealing a lot less with bouts of overwhelming stress, frustr. and anger. Husb.'s more supportive, I'm easier to get along with. As a family we're overall more hopeful and loving. These are some of the things, keeping me willing, despite how painful' this crap' can all get.

Husb. about to watch "Flags of Our Fathers," ...about Iwogima during World War II, and I may soon join him. We are both 2days away from a cigg....always trying to succeed once again keeping cigg's down ..did it once for 2 1/2 yrs.

tired

just so tired all the time. muscles keep twitching, think it's the heat.

keep getting the shakes and feel like i'm going to throw up. know it isn't the heat.

head is killing me and my body is aching, feels like every breath is tearing me apart. Just want to scream. am so sick of feeling like nothing i do is right. feck i cleaned the house top to bottom friday by monda with only bro dearest home it was a pigsty
i felt like shit and then get revved by rents cos i never do anything

just don't even have the energy to be angry. feel kind of cut off emotionally atm. don't want to feel

still a shaky sick mess. Hubs keeps saying he will get me in to the doc soon. I really need to be back in therapy. I may "know" what I am supposed to do, it is just so frigging hard to implement it when I turn into a scared and scatter brained mess. I need the doc to prod me along and the "homework" doc would give me always had me actively working on areas I did not do well in. Getting that "I want to runaway" itch but hell I know I can't so I guess that is good! I always make a mess when I do that shit. As I shake so bad and cannot think oh yeah... I really need to get back at the doc and go dive in all myself help books again for some days. If I can think straight enough to get back on track. Pissed at myself that I have not been able to get my dose lowered like I want and keep it down from it being upped over this weekend. Not as high as I had it but not back down to normal. I would be so sick I could not care for the little one at all if at the normal levels...