Ugh long night last night. Was able to crash but as usual at the 3 hour point I came flying off the sofa and my husband looked at me and asked what is it with you and a few hours sleep? I always wake in the panic again. So body wiped out but mind going way too fast. Feel like I am hitting where I did before which pisses me off, I had stopped panicking at night and it has just come back and no recall of what I may be dreaming.

I was looking at pictures of my son and a poem that is printed on one photo and I cried. I am missing him so much but he will be here on the 9th. I was very upset his flight was canceled last month and missed his birthday he was to be here for. Debated calling my teen girl as I was think as fried as I was last night could she really make it worse? Decided every time I think that way it does.

At least I was able to go to bed late this morning and got a few more hours.

I enjoyed a nice, relaxing day today. I finished about 90% of my household chores yesterday (sudden burst of energy-yeah...like that was going to waste!) and spent a lot of today reading, watching movies with the family and cooked dinner. I'd forgotten how much I really like cooking and how much I've missed it for quite a few months now.

And having to go back to work tomorrow isn't even bothering me. Man...I must be relaxed. *grin*

Y&A Thank You!

Hope

still in the hospital they gave me a pass ya but back tomorrow they are doing another MRI I hate those oh well life moves on right ? I hope so I cant be stuck her forevere

bec,
I've been following your thread about the 'med' you added recently. ;)
And I'm happy to hear that it is working for you

pandora,
lol, how's your poor noggin feeling now?
I hope you gotten some rest since your last post.
Staying up all night sure wears you out quick!

piglet
Oh chicky!!! you and me are soo old school!
Always glad to see you stop by :)

GR'ass
High five on the cooked dinner!!
Making dinner takes so much effort for me.
I hate cooking/ordering/deciding what to eat/and heating up food.
Whenever I manage to cook anything more complex than Kraft Dinner,
my poor boyfreind is pleasently shocked!

wildfirewildone
I will do your exercise tonight.
As unfortunatly I just passed out last night before I could write out my wicked cool dream
I really appreciate your advice, and I'll keep you posted on it it works.

veiled
Even though I've always suspected it...
last week my docs confirmed that nightmares are our brains trying to figure/sort out the things that are bothering us.
Do you know what is 'causing this extra stress your brain is scrambling to interpret?
I know with myself, there have been the occasion where I do not remember dreaming/nightmaring,
but the next morning my boyfriend tells me I was yelling and screaming out in my sleep. meh...
I know you have been cutting your meds, but I can't remember if you are on a sleep aid?

Marlene
Oh I'm so glad to hear that you had a nice relaxing day!
Cooked dinner is a rarity over here, I'd rather bake.
so if you're ever having another huge energy burst...
feel free to mail some great homecooked meals to me in Canada, just buggin, lol
Hope your Monday goes just as well as today did.

goingonhope
You are more than welcome :)
That's what buddies for for.
I just remember going through those symptoms before... and I hated it!
Just rememeber it won't always feel like this.

mouse,
ouch, spending your days at the hospital aren't fun!
Good luck on the MRI




Two nights ago was the first night on the new tranq,
Had to wait a day before I had enough $ to go the pharmacy to pick it up.
I don't recall having a nightmare or dreaming during the night...
but apparently I was yelling out, whisteling and calling for my dog in my sleep.
Weird thing is... the dog I was calling, doesn't even live with me
nor, do I remember why I would be searching for her.

thanks Y&A.. I'm glad it's working too


Had a nice relaxing day yesterday.. I'm still in my pj's from then! I refused to get dressed and do anything. I needed the rest after overdoing it on Saturday.

Well last night, at 11:40 I figured out my house was getting cold.. and it's some nasty cold weather out there right now. Matt had a freind over and when he left he hit the emergency shut off to my furnace! I had to call a freind at midnight to light the pilot for me! Ugh.

My furnace is in the "hole." There is literaly this hole, about 4' x 6', dug under the house that is all dirt where the furnace and water heater sits. I refuse to go under there.

Then poor Matt woke up and was sick three times this morning. I told him he could stay home from school and forgot to call the school and tell them! Duh! I fell back asleep again. They called and woke me up.

Considering having my cup of coffee and going right back to sleep now...

bec

Hehe just wanted to add.. without meds.. the other night I was screaming for "big, juicy pineapples!" My son told me about it.. LOL he asked me what kind of dream was that? I have no idea because I don't remember it! I'm always talking or yelling out in my sleep. I don't usually remember it.. but if someone is around to hear it.. it's usually amusing since it makes no sense... hehehe

Ughhhhh.... I don't want to do anything.
I'm so friggin lazy it's not even funny.
Not sure if the new meds are helping...
In the last 2 nights, I haven't been remembering my entire dreams.
Although I was still crying/screaming out, I don't recall the nightmare.

ANYWAYS,
enough about the shitty things I'm whining about.
It's almost spring time outside, and the snow/ice is melting! I can't wait for dry roads!!!!

Hope everyone is doing well. I think I am doing better today. No Y&A, I ceased cutting my meds until I am at least under some doctor's supervision. When I had taken the last step off all symptoms came back with such gusto I could not function and would have ended up just adding to my hospital bills. It was like I was where I was when it all started so I am doing well in regards to getting my dose to a tiny faction of what I once was on and take 1/4 of what the docs wanted me to stay on.

Go figure my symptoms going haywire... errr it was PMS. I always get PTSD turned inside out during that phase. Bad enough last night I drank a couple beers and my original dose of 3mg before the cuts instead of the 1/4mg I normally take now. I slept very well and it was a nice break. Much needed down time but still groggy today.

So nope xanax is the only med I take. I had to get off all the others as they made me worse. I am looking into something to help me wean the rest of the way off that won't be addicting.

And silly shit said in the sleep... Wasn't me but hubs. I had a major cramp in my shoulder blade driving me nuts before the pill kicked in and put me to sleep. I semi woke hubs and asked him if he would please work on the knot as I cannot reach it. He said he will pull it in a minute. I asked pull what??? He said the TV. So I gave up LOL.

My extra stress, I need to call and set up a vet visit for my dog. I can look online and see if I can get it overnighted as I know the meds she needs, but I am a bit freaked out as I will have to be the one to take her to the vet. trying to control a damn near 100lb dog and 3 yo... which is harder? And all the what ifs hit me as what if more is wrong? She is so damn old... Scared to take her.

Ya I am home finally, all I can say was the Canadian experience that I had with an intake from Emerg was one of the worst and degrading moments ever, onceon the floor I had a great nurse whoe went above and beyond on this one, butfor the rest of the time all I did wqs sleep in a medicated state no CBT or talk therapy. I was informed that th efact thta they upped my dose of seroquel to get me to sleep tell s them that I am way to over stressed. anyways its been tough couple edays with the anniversary of the Fallen Foue Mounties makes you stopo to remember the dangers in our lives doing our job. Anyways hope everyone here is ok I am getting there I think--Mouse

I just can't stand another moment of myself. Or can I? I can......bc quite frankly, I have no other choose, but to stand me. Could use a lobotomy right now. Only, if it was offered me, I'd be indecisive. Commitment, to things, goals, life,.....commitment with people, never did well with any of it bc I'm too ill. Too f'n ill, to keep on track. So discouraged with myself today. 4 days away from cigg, with use of losenge and gum and out of my mind. Not sure, even if this gets better, that I really want to face and feel it all. It's enormous. Everything feels enormous. Overwhelming and to much to ever, in this lifetime face. This f'n sucks. Grrrrr, am I so frustrated and mad with myself. Not that I've done anything at all wrong lately bc I haven't, that I know of. Just feeling useless, absol. useless, to often and too much lately.

And, where will I be, .....right here, doing the very best that I know how and can, and always dissatisfied with myself. What do I want to become a saint or well or something? And, anything short of it I'm a failure.

I'll be right here, getting more and more desperate, more and more motivated to finally say fk it all and let everything fall apart around me, and spill it all.

I only wish I could think straighter, clearer, so forth, to do so. I only wish this gnawing for relief, inside my guts and chest would pass. Self-pity who gives a sh't. It's not as if I can right this moment, do anything about it anyhow, self-pity or not.

Highly dissappointed in myself today, to say the least. Was on a roll, or so I thought. That bam........I will never so long as I live get use to the bam......

It sucks! Please, I already feel ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, lost and confused.......please, please, please forgive me for this rant.

*note: It's going to ache, gnaw, pain and suck beyond belief, before it get's better. My only hope is that when it does get better, it stays this way for sometime and doesn't hit quite so damn hard.

My new saying, and perhaps only pertinent to myself, 'Long term anguish for Hope, for passions, for life again, .....and a life with ptsd and a chance at ecstacy.' .........not the drug ecstacy either.........just some great joy, happiness and self-esteem in this lifetime to share.

......again, please excuse such a rant.


Hope