This weekend has been interesting to say the least. My husband and oldest daughter are in northern Florida visiting family this weekend. So me and my little one are 'batchin' it'.

Yesterday my 15 year old and I decided we needed to get lost looking for a recycling center in another town. It always happens when I try to find someplace new! But we had fun laughing at each other and ourselves while trying to find where we needed to go. It was a fun afternoon.

Friday evening I went to get my hair cut. The woman there has cut my hair almost since I got to Florida 15 years ago. She asked 'how's your husband and daughters?' I told her fine and that 'I got rid of my husband and the oldest daughter for the weekend.' She took about three steps, turned and looked at me and said (and I swear she was dead serious), 'Did you kill your husband?' I laughed and said no, he was in northern Florida with out oldest. She said, 'OK. It just sounded like you had when you said "got rid of".' I spoke to my husband later on the phone and told her what the sylist had said. We both about laughed ourselves silly over that.

:crybaby: My best friend just called....She just lives 40 minutes from my place....which has nothing to do with anything....She going to move away to southwest Michigan mid-August....She has a friend there and can live in her basement.....Her choices are all because of poverty....stemming from abuse and her resulting in PTSD like me....She lives in an area where drug pushing and using....can't find under-counter-pay job to beef up her finances....so she's not been able to get out of there...DAMN The bastard father of mine always has $$s to do anything he wants and yet gives me bull about not driving to my therapist [1&1/2 hour drive from here] He does this shit whenever my vehicle breaks down which it did last evening....I am not supposed to tell our therapist but I'll be seeing him before she will as she's going camping Thursday for 10 days.....:crybaby: I don't know how in the hell I'm supposed to do that....I read my son's blog today and he just got him the newest thing out....the iPhone.....he always tells me he has no extra funds to help me in a pinch...Don't get me wrong...He works hard for his bucks....and oh hell.....what's the use....I'm so sick at heart:crybaby: :crybaby:

Tough, tough day today. It started off difficult from the moment I opened my eyes when I awoke to my husband yelling at my son. I soon found out he'd awoke on the wrong side of the bed, even though I must say it would appear he tried and mostly succeeded in amending much in the middle of the afternoon. I love my husband. Yet he most definately triggers me. Sometimes I get depressed over nothing more than living with unneccessary stress and nonsense that seems to me could be avoided if only he'd own and be willing to try something new to resolve his issues.

I'd love to know he spoke up and said to someone, anyone, ...... hey, I have some issues and I'd like to find out what I can do about them, bc even with all my honest, self-reliant efforts they don't seem to be going anywhere for long and they're affecting and hurting my family.

Again, I love my husband and I'm not trying to be disloyal or mean, but heck enough is enough already and it triggers and sickens me. Too often I feel controlled by his moods or abrupt notions. Ouch, it all hurts and worries me sick about its results upon our children sometimes.

And, though No, this nonsense, doesn't happen every day and has been known to be put to rest for nearly weeks at a time, I've seen the patterns and it's developing ugliness, during these times and it damn well hurts all of us.

Now please, if anyone is trying to compare husbands or wives and how supportive and awesome yours is all the time ............ please, please, please don't make it the very next post. (LOL), but sincere

Hope

This struck me as very ironic since often we ourselves talked about in this manner. Everyone else walks on eggshells around us!

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties reacurring. Best of luck (and nope I don't even have a spouse so your shining compared to me here!)

Hugs,

bec

Hey bec, Thank you for your much for your response !

Ya', I hear you. How true that others not only speak of (Us) the PTSD sufferer, as the one who too often others must walk upon eggshells around, but too often it is true.

However, most definately, I too have observed these very same feelings and reactions within my children around their Dad. And, have certainly felt the fear, anxiety and nervousness of it all myself around him. Not all the time, but the real kick' in the butt is that I never know when, why or for how long.

Oh' and he has complained of the same thing about me. I've seen his anxiety of my edginess (and it all) in him before. And, I've noticed that he has struggled with himself to behave a certain way and/or, give me a break when I am too overwhelmed or irritable.

That is half the time and the other half the time, he doesn't seem to budge, or is so tense that I might be very calm until he has us all walking on eggshells.

Confusing......confusing........confusing......and all of it could and sometimes does, too easily escalate into ridiculous conflicts. Which when he's uptight, he seems to welcome with open arms. I mean he doesn't even try to avoid conflict when he's had it with exhaustion and frustration.

And, it would be an error to presume that bc I have PTSD that his exhaustion and frustration is do to me. There is so, so, so much more to the real deal story, that would disallow simply excusing his 'stuff' away by presuming it's all the result of my PTSD.

Anyhow, It was a good challenging day today. Our children had a very good and exciting time at the parade. And, we saw a great display of fireworks too.

This is really not any harsh complaint about my husband as he cares and loves all of us and is self-reliantly struggling to improve and does. And, I am improving too. I only wish he'd approach making his improvements with some help, support, friends, guidance or anyone other than just relying upon himself.

If I could wish one thing in this world, at this moment, it would be that my husb. could and would ever ask someone, somewhere for help.

Hope

slides in.

THe grass is back *hugs* been a quiet day, went and watched the bridge to terabithia, actually got through the movie without freaking out. Dark places and crowds are usually bad for me.

Still, the movie was good :) made me cry though.

Anyways, *hugs* all, I missed you guys, just needed a break from here till I sorted some of my shit out.

A down day for most of it, though it had it's good points too.

Off to a very uncomfortable start though this morning when my husband informed me that we just must get our driver's seat, electronic window fixed. He went on to tell me that at 6:20 this morning as he was walking out our front door, some strange man had his head in our van window. He described the man, I think I saw him again 40 min. later. But, I can't say for sure, but the man that I did see certainly fit the description and was very suspicious in his activity. ie. (slowly going down to leash his dog, less than a foot from another parked vehicle and while appearing to be eyeballing the contents of that car too.) My husband said, this morning, he's probably casing the area. Rather frightening to me, I must stay, especially since we live in a quiet residential area and I had actually started to think it might be safe.

Make matters worse, I can't get a series of 1986 trauma's out of my head tonight. The memories are there again and with a painful understanding of it all.

Actually dozed off to sleep earlier only to be accidentally awoken twice. Now I don't know that I can sleep tonight.

Freakin' HATE :angry-fla needing to take medicine ever, and afraid I might need to tonight. I certainly hope not.

Just feeling sad, and can't stop thinking of a few of my horrible traumatic memories and even local 'most disgusting' News.

Hope

Sorry you had a rough night, Hope--seeing someone acting unusually is so unsettling, especially close to home.

I hope you're better today!

kers, my day was long and full of hard-work, but I've got to love hard-work. I mean really! ...... I minus well, bc it's not going away.

So thank you for the wishes kers, for a better day today, bc it really was.

I'm no longer on edge about that strange guy, looking for what he could steal and I'm not stuck in the emotion of my trauma tonight either. Nor did I have to take any medicine (sedative) last night, which was .......sweet!

As you've said, it is very unsettling to see someone acting strangley suspicious so close to home, I mean my god, he had to make an effort and walk a distance up our driveway to get his head in the window.

Between my husb. and I, we slammed the door again and again in such a way as to, push and pull that van window up and .......it's now locked.

Hope

Hmm, well I got lot's done today.

My living room looks like a living room now! LOL

However, I'm feeling rather lonely and sad today. Wish I could just bip over and have a coffee with Cole. *sighs*

I'm thinking I should call my new freind and see if he wants to do coffee. I might or might not get the guts up for that.

:( bec