Hello
i meant to press the last of the thread, but got onto another page, which was good....Anthony was talking about all he could do...after years i think...he could manage to go and do things.

Would love to be at that stage...if it is possible. Just as i thought all would go well i had got out got two good jobs and so on, i lost it all, was told i was not allowed to work
by my Dr...LOL thought i would be better next week kind of thing.....cannot believe the nightmare journey it has been.
Flashbacks hallunications at the beginning were so severe, intense and extreme, now if i see an hallunication i ignore it...LOL....cannot believe it gets like that...what was so abnormal feeling like going crazy...becomes a way of life...

That intense/extreme was so bad....im so glad i found you all and feel you understand....think it is an experience you only fully understand if you have had it...

Today, did something have not been able to do since last year, cleaned and hoovered all my room ready to change it for one of my sons to have that room...although i totally overdone it, ended up asleep exhausted to be woken up, to which i started talking nonsense! My whole body is exhausted.

But never in all these months have i taken on such a big task or achieved what would be little to others but enourmous to me. What is a normal day for others is out of ordinary now if i achieve even simple daily routines...

It is summer holidays, have support workers, they have organised for my sons to go to Football school, riding school, ice skating and so on, all the transport and costs are met by them....im so happy for them, as i loved to be able to do things with them but now they will not miss out.
One starts football school in the morning... was amazed they doing all this for us and so pleased...they brought a book for my sons to choose which events they would like to go on.

The pain/hurt inside goes on, but less intense than it was.
My memory is such i have telephone calls to remind me of important things.
Days do not seem to have any meaning...they kind of float one into another.

Even after all this time i sleep long lengths...feel exhausted no energy, do not go out it is beyond me at the moment.

But being able to do things in the home is a plus!

hard to say what i'm feeling today as been avoiding. Feel low. have been set an end date for therapy, not really sure why, i know i should ask but afraid of what the answer might be. it's bothering me today though. how can i best make good use of time left? don't feel like going to next session on tuesday, i need to think and decide what i want to do. have been silent crying again tonight, my mind tired. haven't got the energy to figure it out at the moment, want to sleep it all away and wake refreshed tomorrow, well i doubt that will happen but will take sleeping tablet to get an artifical sleep and see if i can get up at a reasonable hour tomorrow! am currently holding onto the fact that feelings do change and my present lowness will also change.

I know it's scary to ask what's going on.....IMHO the therapist should have provided the information why the end date was set.....I know it's difficult as the old fears creep in at such a high level internally that it's easy to disconnect and just let things happen....I know you are worth fighting for!!!! I have found out in my experience that it is better to ask and know where you stand and exactly why things are happening....As my T says...what's the worst that can happen if you ask and the news is actually bad...You're already at that place as you've been set an end date to your therapy....I think it's to your benefit to ask what's going on....They're may be an misunderstanding that needs to be set right....Also if you say that you believe that you still need therapy and can give one reason they may reconsider....Also maybe they feel that you aren't putting anything into your therapy sessions and are frustrated....YOU NEED TO KNOW!!! In times when I've been scared of something with my T....I have put it in writing and just hand it to him.....That brings up what I'm feeling in a more easier capable manner for myself....than actually having to verbally say it.....When is your next therapy appointment?? Please do some deep breathing then write out the note to your T....and so it's ready and you can relax knowing that your opinion will be known....then go do something fun for yourself!! My prayers are with you as you face this challenge!!! ......PEACE TO THE PLANET

thank you wildfire, my t probably has told me- something about having an end date can be beneficial to work towards but i haven't retained why. i need to ask again. a few weeks ago we had a discussion about whether i could open up and let emotions come out so had up to six sessions to try and if i couldn't then maybe it was my mind saying it can't cope with it and best left alone. i've made some progress on it so another ten sessions have been offered but t's made it clear that that is it and my only chance with them. t told me to decided what i want to work on as not everything will be covered as there wasn't time. i did know this when i started (have had 51 sessions now have 9 sessions left 3 of which will be in t's words "to say goodbye properly" whatever that means?) i think writing down what i want to say is a good idea as i find it hard to talk in sessions. thanks for advice and support, still feel down today but more able to think.

Ready for bed. Good day today and yesterday.

Barbecue and picnic here at home yesterday with husb. family.

It went especially well both because we were prepared and all pitched in, but also, I got to focus on, take good care and really enjoy my kids, .... and too chat less with the adults. They're good people, however and I do enjoy talking with them as well.

Both last night and tonight my husb. and I had a babysitter. This was great, and we got to go out together. A' just to a meeting, but the key is.......we' got to be and go together.

Today we had much to accomplish and he and I worked together well.

Can't wait to get to sleep tonight. -Hope

dark skies, is that kind of provisioning of "X more sessions to see if you make progress" typical in the UK?

Was allowed to sleep very late this morning 11AM. Which is good and not so good. Good bc I've been both unwilling and unable to sleep nights lately, falling to sleep between 3 and 4am; Not so good - bc, I'd rather wake earlier even after losing sleep, get to bed earlier evenings and not get messed up on my sleeping patterns. -Can't afford this.

Last couple of days, my husb. and I have listened intently to two days of, 3hr.+ talks on repeated stories of another family members lifetime experience's and his strong religious convictions and how his convictions need to be our's ASAP.

Fortunately, both husb. and I chiefly believe as he does already, but quite frankly giving this type of undivided attention away, can be draining, exhausting and confusing as we're torn and struggle not to withdraw our prescense from two very important people, Our Children. And, it can too be frustrating having family adults' needs stand in the way of some personal and very vital home matters and responsibilites. Must say we do love these family member a great deal, do very much appreciate them and want nothing but show them our respect for them and to let them know we love them.

Besides all this stress, today has been pretty good in general.

It's been a Good Day! Did have a pretty intense nightmare last night, but woke nonetheless with energy and glad to be alive. Yesterday's anxiety and stress felt enormous, but relieved some in the evening during talk with husb. and an apology from him for something. Today went well, spent time with my husb., planted a tree, and spent some quality time with my son too, all while daughter was away on a playdate for the day.

I developed a very bad toothache Saturday night....kept waking up with it....my last dentist quit taking Medicaid Insurance January 1st....really was miffed about that as have been his patient for several years....Plus I grew up with him in my neighborhood....Sad to once again find out that everything comes down to money....This afternoon at 1:00 I go to a new dentist without knowing anything about him.... I had to call around to find one that takes my insurance....Hope he isn't a geek of some sort!! I find it harder to deal with dentists than with medical doctors....I hope that this goes well....Just soooooo SCARY..... On the good side though I know I will stand up for myself whatever happens.......SEEKING THE PEACE

Today I reached out to a friend for help for the first time. It felt good and scary at the same time. I felt relieved to have a friend to help. I think this was a good step.