Woke up with some sinus problems, but it seems to be clearing up. Went to Wal-Mart, which I really don't like doing because no matter what time of day I go there; there's always a crowd. Picked up some things I needed and was able to find something I've been looking for- for months. No PTSD related nightmares or flashbacks, just my crazy/arty/apocalyptic dreams, which, really.. are quite inspiring for my project and art. I'm really glad about that, it's been a while since I've not been haunted by flashbacks or nightmares related to my PTSD when trying to sleep.
Looking forward to the next three days (when I have off). I hope to go to a park and create some art.

OMG, nor I am chuckling, bc this is exactly it. I had to do the same thing and that being, not look at her. I couldn't, I couldn't bear too without running the risk of getting angry or drawing a complete blank. OMG, I'm still laughing.

Nor, is it at all possible to sched. two other days, perhaps Tues and another day?

My therapist called and cancelled today, that's twice in the last few wks. I think she's having a tough time with a death in her family and all. And, so I do understand, but I will say when she went to reschedule, I chose Tues., anyday other than Mon., I just can't allow myself to sit through that again. Next time I'll get up and tip toe out of the room and leave her there to get some sleep. (lol)

Nor, I do hope something changes for you, so that you don't have to go through your experience again either.

Hope

Did tons of work both inside and outside of the house today. Enjoyed it all and accomplished so much, including paperwork which is my least favorite.

My twins have certainly made it such that I am beyond capable of multi-tasking. Which is all good !

Had a not so great session with my doctor today (at least he stayed awake). He could only see me for 1/2 hour, and that is never enough time to relax and start to talk. I considered changes my days, but he is so far booked up that it would take forever to iron out and I would be afraid of losing my Monday appts altogether. My getting in for a second appt each week is becoming impossible! Last week he stayed after work to see me-and I can't expect that every week.

Played in a golf tournament this week and tied for 1st place. Unfortunately I am still kicking myself for the one hole that I completely bombed. In my family (parents/brother), you are a not a winner unless you win it all (no sharing), and I can't help but admonish myself for screwing that up too. Ridiculous, but it is bugging the crap out of me! I was too embarrassed to mention it to my doctor this morning. Probably should have.

nor

Hey nor, this sounds great !

As for you parents/brother, with you continuing to recognize what's what and whose is who's, you'll in time be playing by your own rules in which you decide and create and they can continue playing by their rules. Not a problem, huh.

You'll get to be, ..... You get to be, (whichever)....... Entirely you!

Sounds good doesn't it?
It's quite possible?

Again nor, tied for 1st place. Good job to you!


Hope

Hi Hope!

Thanks for the encouraging words! They sincerely mean a lot, because I never had any growing up and still don't from my family (who I am always trying to please-go figure). My doctor says I have every right to be angry with them (they didn't protect me from my abuser), but I just haven't gotten completely there yet. I still try to make them proud. Ridiculous

I played in another tournament today and finally won it! And I am still kicking myself for a couple of holes that could have been better.....and I won! My son told me "Mom, what difference does it make...you won-stop beating yourself up and enjoy the win!" From the mouth of babes (he's 14).

How unfortunate that the negative self image we establish when young, stays with us. With my ptsd flaring up lately, it seems to be even more prevalent-but I'm working on it with my doctor.

Thanks again

nor

Had the parade through my home, went shopping for groceries and what not at super walmart, drove through (rode) major storms, had to go to in laws, my apple pie I had on the counter the dogs ate while I was shopping. Major attacks, major unreality, brain misfiring and could not write the correct letters or think. I lost it big time. 2 mg xanax and a beer later I can think again but I am still so frigging aaccckkkk. Headaches, nausea, disassociation, heartburn, things not real, fear beyond fear, just a total meltdown. Hubs said I was doing way too much but I figured in for a penny in for a pound and just do what was needed. Figured the next few days I will spend thinking I am at deaths door. In the store people around me I wanted to explode to keep away and the big wide open isles I was hanging on to hubs shirt as I thought I would just get lost in space. Plus the chick with a skirt so damn short if she bumped into a guy she would have been knocked up... Wonderful example in front of her 3 small kids. I am nor shitting, 1 inch below her ass crease. Some people. Thank goodness my short toddler was not there as no telling what the view was from down there! Triggered my ass off and I feel sick as a dog. This is good???????????

I have to mention I went all out on my damn apple pie and even carve pastry leaves on it. It was so pretty and dessert for tonight. Not a bite from it, the dog jumped up on the buffet and ate all the crust off the top...

Veiled,

I am really sorry about the pie....But I almost spit coffee all over my screen reading this post. Dogs.......You just gotta love them.....

Veiled,

Bad dog, baaaad doggie! Reminds me of the day I learned to not put food at my dog's mouth level - one Easter she ate a bunch of the cream-cheese stuffed celery I had sitting out on a relish tray before anyone noticed her. She left the olives and pickles, though.

Hodge