you are absolutely right, anthony.

I have to add what my husband said last night. I asked him how he thinks I'm doing. He says that I'm back to my old self. I asked him if it was the drugs, etc. He doesn't think so. He said that the drugs made it possible to feel normal, but he says I'm happy..and there's hope when before there was none. I asked him specifically what he thought made it better. He said it was me and this forum. That I made myself better and by going to this forum, I'm able to express my feeling in a positive way. He sees it as an outlet for me. He says thanks to all of you.

Nam, I feel the same way...
this has become an outlet for me,
even I can see the difference it's made for me

And thank you for sharing and listening and just being here

Yer, I think this place helps us all Nam, exactly as you described. I guess it provides somewhere for us to chat, vent and look for answers, because none of which we can generally obtain from spouses, family or friends. I guess its like a hub for support!!!

Hy hubby asked me what I had been doing online lately, I showed him my posts, and he was so supportive. He said okay, I'll quit messing with you about it then.
He is so ready for me to get well that he'll encourage me to find help anywhere I can. He thinks I have begun to find my voice again.

no thinking required - I'd pretty much say you've found your voice!

Wish I could find mine. Lost it again at therapy today. Just can't get the words out. Damn irritating!

Piglet... dont' worry about not knowing what to say,
I think my last therapy appointment I just sat there for close to 3 min with both of us silent
(in my time it was equivalent to 3 hours)

I just have so much inside of me,
but when I get there it's like I'm in panic mode and I shut down
Words escape me, I repeat myself... it is very frusterating I agree

Anne and Nam... I think we've all found a place where we feel accepted (or so I hope!)
It doesn't matter how you've gotten PTSD, or how long you've had it,
people here understand because they are fighting the same battle


Not proud to post that I'm not doing that great,
but it's the truth...
the physical (as well as mental) pain is really getting to me
PLUS I have reconstructive surgery in less than a month
Not looking forward to that recovery

YA, take care of yourself. We are all thinking of you....

You know, I dont' think I've ever had this problem. But then again, if I felt uncomfortable, I'd talk about something else, and my therapist allowed it. In fact, I think I spent a good 10 hours of therapy talking about how great my daughter is! (It's the actress in me.) I'd be in bed all day before to rest up for the session and then I'd crash afterward from the exhaustion. I finally realized that it wasn't good to sugar coat it. And when I finally did start talking, I'd cry and that was all that got done, but it was a huge step every time.

Today has been a bit rough for me. I've cried for two days in a row now, which is unusual for me since I HATE crying, I avoid it if at all possible. So I think it's time for a mommy break. I kind of have this worthless feeling because I stay at home and I'm beginning to feel that I'm not very good at it. But the alternative, going to work, seems really daunting and stressful. I don't know what to do, but knowing myself, I'll figure it out.

I think that is the problem with PTSD and counselling, in that we know what we want to say, we know we need to say it, but when we hit a counsellor, a barrier comes up between us and them. Why? For me, I allowed the barrier to drop a little, but never to the point of discussing the same point with one of my mates who was either their in location at the time, or another with PTSD. I think it has something to do with PTSD itself actually, because this is not uncommon to hear from just about everyone with PTSD, in that they hold onto secrets their entire lives, whilst counselled or not, but will divulge them to someone else with PTSD very quickly. I believe it has something to do with the immediate report a sufferer has with another sufferer of PTSD. We all feel the same things, we all experience the same symptoms, and our lives will often replicate one anothers during each phase of symptoms, regardless of the materialistic points of our unique lives, our paths are often similar in sentence form, thus what we say to each other is near immediately reflected in knowing from experience, and not just sympathy or support.

A big difference in many of those terms...

Nam... you really shouldn't relate yourself to worthless at anytime, feelings or not. Your certainly not worthless, as each and ever person upon this planet has some purpose, some scope, ambitions, dreams, hope and aspirations... all which depict everything but worthless. If you feel this, then maybe you need to be highlighting all the positive attributes that you bring to each day, by doing so will show you a completely different story when written down. Worthless depicts that everyday life would just go on, with or without you, leaving no pain or suffering to anybody left behind. I don't think that is the case with you Nam, as you have loved one's, you have support, you have people that care for you, and people that rely upon you each day... so that automatically says, your worth something to all those around you. Find the positives, because for every negative, there is always a positive that far surpasses it.

YA... you most likely hit the nail on the head, and posted the problem without knowing it. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. Reconstructive surgery in less than a month! Still seems like a long time, but when PTSD is still as uncontrolled as yours is, as your only in the early stages of learning, but doing a great job so far, you will generally be anxious, moody, angry, irritable, depressed, etc etc etc, all because of a significant event that is coming possibly months away. You might not think your thinking about it, but I can tell you now, your brain is processing it in the back and this is what's causing all your slow, bad and depressing days at present. You need to recognise this, and you need to control how your brain processes these things. As you get better, you will find your moods will only begin to change a day or two before a significant event, and no longer months or weeks before, but you can learn to control this. You need to isolate the event, you basically need to give yourself thinking time about the event, so instead of trying to dismiss that it is coming, and telling yourself not to worry about it yet, all of which is causing the grief to begin with, you need to face it head on. You need to make some time each day, or several times per day, when you cognitively process the event, what will happen, repercussions, significance, etc etc, even talk with your partner about just one small portion each day, and the leave it alone until the next day. Even make a time on a calender each day when you can think about it.

This sounds silly, but its actually doing something that may not jump out at you. Its teaching you to allocate cognitive thinking time to events, instead of constant processing as your brain is currently doing. It teaches your brain to have a turn on point, being the time allocated tomorrow, to begin thinking about the event again. It is basically training your brain when to think about events, and when not too. It takes time to get a grip off, but it works in conjunction with all other PTSD education. It all comes together in a nice tight package in the end.

Oh... my day. The flu is starting to subside now, allowing me to feel a little healthier again. Thank fu*k for that... cause I hate being sick. It breaks all my routines, choirs and tasks that I want to do each day... PTSD is pretty much sitting dormant at the moment, which is the way I like it.

Piglet,

Don't stress about this. We all do this, and I think my post above explains it all, and how we react with counselling and formal type, hourly sessions, and structured therapy basically.