veiled, Hope you have a great time on your date!

Enjoy the kid free time!

Today, and up until my PRN medicine and ciggerette-killing medicine, which I bought tonight, after 4 consecutive days feeling great smoke-free kicked in, I had felt and imagine I was just awful. Pissed my husb. off. He pissed me off, I pissed him off, so forth. Earlier tonight went through a series of flashbacks and survived, though I thought I'd die. Scared the be'geeze'es out of my husband. And, earlier today my son and daughter came inside to find me sobbing, stressed to the max, and for some stupid reason having lost control of my arm. It was jerking and I was somewhat slapping myself in the face. My daughter wanted to know why, and I was unable to give her any answer. Disgusted, Disgusted and more disgusted with myself, and yet what choose do I have but to learn more and do better. Really, afraid lately as it seems for some ungodly reason, my children are seeing more of my condition than ever before.

It's all freakin' nuts. I went from a regular drinker, yrs. and yrs. ago and improved to a bender drinker all before I was married with kids. Then I stopped drinking altogether. This is a great success, I suppose, if that's the goal and it was mine. But wtf, my PTSD went from yrs. of 24hr. daily symptomatic, untreated PTSD yrs. back, to improvement and sporadic. Then things changed to a release from most if not all symptoms, and then back to sporadic. Now, I'm scared almost stiff it's heading backwards to a 24hr. daily insomniac, (among other symptoms) direction and I simply cannot live through this ever again.

Do apologize here for the truth. This crap sucks, and I wouldn't wish it on a worst enemy, if I had one. blah......blah......blah

Woke up no more than 20 min. ago and hope that this day goes much, much better. In the end last night, I did sleep some, as the flashbacks did go away.

Forget day... Weekend. I did it all! I saw Meet the Spartans, a slapstick style spoof of 300. Did not make it all the way. Previews for other movies were harsh. So not funny. I cramped up hard and felt my intestines were being cut out. After leaving and walking it eased, but I made most of it. We ate seafood. Nice, but well, bad service.

Then hubby invited inlaws for supper. The invite was same day and hubby offered to back out but hell I could not. So today I got steak on and all the sides. First time ever MIL came here for supper. All went well besides hubby knocking on bath door and asking if OK. I yell leave me alone I am just trying to pee! And in front of them he came in kitchen and said holler if I get confused. He meant well but could have killed him. Then I hit the track too.

Very full weekend.

Well, last night I started a new yoga class. Not instead of my old one, but in addition to. The studio is about a block and a half from my house. Everyone was really nice and I had a good time and a good stretch!

What amazed me was that I decided to try this new place, went there and had no anxiety associated with it. WOW! What a change of pace for me. It only hit me this morning that this had happened. So the delayed reaction is still in place (bummer!), but I was really proud of myself that I was able to go into an unknown place with unknown people and do what I came there to do. Yea!

Lisa

Extremely busy week. Our fairly new front-loader washer broke and is now useless. With children and as much laundry as I do the time it will take to replace it, will mean loads and loads of piled-up dirty laundry ahead.

Had dye shot into me yesterday and have since been peeing neon yellow. Was quite lucky however yesterday as fluro-angiogram specialist directed me to prep with steroid and benedryl before test; I did not get hit with extreme naseau, dry-heaving and the melting like butter to the floor (NO muscle tone) allergic reaction I had last time.

Tommorrow I must drive to the city for another eye doctors appt. myself. I'm going to do it. But quite honestly, I feel very leary and tense about having to do so.

Friday, we will dismiss the kids from school, and all drive there again. I probably should prepare myself to practice just being and not speaking that day, bc this appt. I am quite afraid of. Trying to practice letting go of control and simply going on blind-faith. However, I have this feeling, let's say fear, that I ought to get to a confession before going, bc the appt. includes a needle into my eyeball, which I've yet to have before, and quite naturally the doctors must list the possible many complications of such procedure, and yet it is not even treatment, rather it is research......which may prove pers. beneficial if it works w/o compl. and includes one of the 2, (out of a 3 possibility) of receiving medicine, which they want FDA approved.

Whatever............the good news today is though is that I am very happy about having succeeded in downloading a subscription to a library of large print and audio software books that I can access and read, or listen to, without too great of pain, frustration, stress and eye-strain. I started my first book, "Women Who Light the Dark" today and it is Most Interesting to me.

I'm kinda ho hum. Hubs left for three weeks for job training and I'm missing him terribly. It snowed seven inches last night so the girls and I went out to make a snowman today. The snow wouldn't clump together so we ended up making a "baby" snowman...about a foot tall. It's quite cute, but the carrot nose is much too big!

When I was a kid, I used to play in the snow for hours. It seriously took me an hour to get the kids ready to go out only to have them out for fifteen minutes. Oh the whining..."I'm cold. I'm wet. My hood is itchy....blah, blah." Oh well.

Today was a good day! I put on my suit and tie and went to a job fair, talked to a lot of companies. The companies I was gunning for weren't all that interested in me, but other good companies that were. It felt so good to get back on track!

An update:
- became a 'seminar patient'
- have to go for a CAT scan
- the specialists cannot explain or fix the facial pain
- they came up with some possible solutions, each with their own big risks...
...which they will only talk to me in person about them
- a specialist plastic surgeon is taking me on as his patient
(as my plastic surgeon can't help)
- and to top it off a close family friend committed suicide last week

Earlier this week I watched my daughter deal with a nasty cold and be miserable. Then Thursday and Friday I watched the same bug hit my hubby. This morning I woke up with the same symptoms they both started with and as the day goes on I'm feeling more and more yuck!

I love it when my family shares with me. *rolling eyes* I've sat around in my PJs all day because I feel like crud. I'll be glad when this goes away.

Lisa