You're absolutely right... the upcoming surgery (19 days) is on my mind constantly.
CONSTANTLY!!!!
Today at counselling I wouldn't even talk about it.
I can't.... there's no words to describe the terror I feel when thinking about it.
... that's why I think setting a time aside for it is a really good idea.
maybe start a journal about it... something that will hopefully allow me to deal with the issues that bother me.

Hoping to get the energy to make some food.
Maybe do a craft or something

I have found my voice when it's safe. but when it matters, like standing up to my family when I don't feel comfortable with a situation. My parents totally forced me to see my brother since I have grown up. It is expected of me. I "love" him because that is what is expected of me. I absolutely hate him but I would have to explain why if I showed that emotion. So I play the happy family game.

Piglet, it took me time after time of writing down the memories I had and destroying the copy like hundreds of times before anyone could read it until I could write it down and share it. When I told people it was carefully edited and I knew the situation was safe from combustion.

Much thought and prayer to you.

I have walked the path YA... that is how I know. I have now studied so much of my past its really just not even amusing anymore. Why did I do this, why did I do that, and the list goes on. Constant analysis of our decisions, thoughts and reactions are what will help you also get better, because you are then learning to identify what is a trigger, or what you are fearing. Knowing these things means you can then start to find rational, and logical steps to proactively fix them, whether grounding yourself back to logically think about what is happening, chatting with person/s to rationalize thoughts, identifying issues and concerns through separation techniques, so no longer are all parts of one major issue a concern, but only a few smaller details, which can be broken apart and worked upon individually. There are many things you can do YA... many things that you will discover yourself now you know what the issue is, and these techniques you use, you will adapt to your unique personality.

Hopefully the above might give you some extra thought now you have realised the scope of anxiety a little better, and how something six months away can actually be the trigger of your anxiety and depression now.

Anthony, Oh yeah, the sugery has been deep in my thoughts since I found out about it (a year or so ago)
...and it's probally just that it's coming so soon that others are starting to mention it
So it's even harder to "ignore"
actually, it's impossible to not think about.
I guess that's probally why I've been feeling so quiet.
I must just be overwhelmed.

I have to make sure to set aside a time today to just analyze my feelings about it.
Hopefully it'll clear up my mood somewhat.

Was woken up early today... handling it better than expected
(aka: no freak out)
So lets see how the rest of the day plays out...

That denial thing is a real bugger! Hey YA - you're surviving ptsd, you are certainly strong enough to do the surgery! I know that's easy for me to say, but everything you have shown about yourself here says that you can hack the pace and be better the other side of it too! Take care!

Yer, what Piglet said.... great words Piglet.

Ta!
Taking a risk tonight. A colleague is having a party - complete with surf simulator and adult sized bouncy castle. The weather is hot and sunny. My gut instinct is that I really want to go and have some fun, BUT just going is a trigger. I want to have a drink like everyone else too, BUT I know if I do, I will have to stay, as I don't dare drive even after only one drink cos of the meds.

I just want to be normal for one night, BUT just the thought of going out makes me feel anxious. I am taking the dog with me, which helps.

I have just read what I have typed (corrected typos - has to be done) and noticed all the "buts". PTSD is a real pain in the but!

I'm going to go and attempt to enjoy myself. I just hope I don't regret it. Catch you all tomorrow.

I'm so glad your going Piglet!
You need to get out and try to have fun
(isn't it funny how we basically have to force ourselfs to have fun?)

I hear you about "being normal for one night"
I've tried on the occasion... sometimes with great results... others... well... stuff happens.

Been up for 2 hours or so...
gonna heat up the soup I managed to make yesterday ;)
Lots on my mind, so I like to keep busy

I'm doing okay today. It's weird because things are happening...I should have known, feeling crappy all week, feeling depressed, sliding down the hill....and just when I started to feel great again.... I really don't want to deal with it now because I feel good...so that's where I'll stay. I'll wait to see if there is more, but right now, I can handle what I've got. Sorry for being so vague. I had friends over today and I made a great, fantastic dinner of chicken garlic pasta and a fruit pizza for dessert. It was way yummy...so it made me feel better knowing that my husband would starve without me! I hope all of you weekend plans are good.

You are jumping on the infatable castle, aren't you Piglet? lol!

I survived my night out and did have some fun in there. I hate being older - I am knackered after bouncing around so much, but it was so funny. Alcohol went straight to my head, so the second time I went on the castle, I hit a wall and bounced straight to the floor and lay there bobbing up and down while everyone else bounced around me. It was fun just to be silly.

Got triggered a bit near the end of the night - drunk person invading my personal space. I took myself off with the dog for a bit. Overall, it was a good decision to go, but I will definitely have to watch the alcohol with the meds! I generally don't drink much anyway, and I don't know how strong the punch I drank was - had a hell of a punch though!