You're welcome! I hope you had a good time!

That walk was insane!

I decided to take advantage of the quietness and try to sort some thoughts out.
I remember sitting down to play catch with Mr. Bear
Just tossing the ball like a robot, it was just a motion to me at that point.

After about 30 min or so a big group of kids come walking towards me.
I've been there long enough so I get up... and start heading back towards home.
(don't forget it's 2 AM at this point, pitch black outside)

I'm almost at my driveway
(but still in sight of the group of kids, since they had stopped walking and were just hanging out)
But something doesn't feel right...

I look down... SH*T!!!!
I don't have my dogs leash.
He's been offlleash this entire time (which is illegal in my city)
and I have NO IDEA where in the field I may have laid it down.

So while thinking... I continue walking...
At this point I don't know what to do.
Walking all the way back to that field while everyones in it, is not an option!
And now I've already walked past my house... so I'll feel like an idiot if I just turn around an walk up my driveway...

Long story short...
I wandered my neighbourhood for another hour before I felt safe enough to go search for the leash.

After I found it... I was sooo exhausted mentally and physically that I just sat down right there in the middle of the field.
(apparently I'm not going to be happy until I've proven to all of my neighbourhood that I'm nuts... ughhhh!)

So while sittying there I starting thinking about some deep issues... again
...at some point I kind of remember getting up

Anyways... when I finally snapped out of my little daze...
I was like 40 min away from my house, walking along the fields tree line.
Thank God Mr. Bear was right beside me!!
I honestly don't think I would have even noticed it he had fallen behind or gotten lost.

The walk back was so scary... I started panicking about how long it was going to take to get to my safe house!!!!!
It was so strange... I'm sure I looked like I was drunk.
I just couldn't seem to walk straight anymore.

Anyone experienced this before????
i think it's a first for me...

So, as I'm stumbling home... it starts raining.
Any sane person would probally speed up and get home.

Me? Of course I'm still so deep in thought that I decide to sit down on the grass yet again!!!
I take off my hoody, and the cool wind has never ever felt so good.
I don't even notice the rain (or at least I don't think I did)

It was this odd feeling of being completely dry, while in reality my t-shirt and sweatpants were dripping wet.

And the rain felt awesome on my face...
So at the end of the field I took another break
(yes I do normally take stupid dumb mini breaks every 5 - 10 min... Doctors orders!... just stretch out, etc.)

I sit in the grass (now facing the opposite direction)
and play catch for another 20 min?

I'm back at home now...
but Yikes!!! I'm sure tomarrow nights walk will be much better.



As I'm right by

That's one kickarse walk YA... well done, and good to hear about.

Last night was a bit funny for me. For some reason, I got very edgy, and I mean edgy, in that even a breeze had me startled and alert. Kerrie was stuffing about and even touching me, it alerted my senses beyond belief, something I have not experienced in a long long time, and something to the point at where even adrenalin had kicked in a little and I was ready to fight. Odd it was.

Anyway, I stuffed about for a while, told myself to snap out of it, and went to bed about 1am I think. It took me another good hour to settle myself down, tell myself that my brain was attempting to play tricks on me again, and go to sleep. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep. Any little noise, sound or slight movement had my attention, even the corners of my eyes where working in unison, in that I nearly had 360 degree vision with all senses kicked in the way they where. Very very strange for me, and not something I have felt in some years now.

I pulled it apart, tore into it, and tried to find what exactly was causing it, but to no evail what so ever. I put it down to maybe a slight reaction to my flu, as that has been stuffing me around to no end lately, and last night I was pretty yuk still... so it may off just been something the flu was doing, or my immune system had triggered even, that raised such an alertness level within me again. If a scale of 0 - 10 existed, I was definately a 10+.

Woke up this morning though, and all is well as normal with me... with no alertness or other issues... so it could have to do with the flu, as I feel better again today from that, though still taking it easy and recovering from it overall. Strange it was...

I think last night was just suffering night!

YA, yes, I have had it happen, it is a very normal symptom of mine. It was hard to, no, not hard, I could not convince my husband it was an attack as I stumbled around and my voice slurred he would think I drank too much no matter how much I denied being drunk. It was only after I went sober did he realize as it still happens it really was an attack(s) and my threapist told him it happens during the attacks with a lot of people and they do indeed appear drunk. Doesn't happen with every attack. I bet if you had tried to speak with someone your words would have been garbled up and not made sense to boot! And I know my neighbors think I am nuts. I have walked up and down my long drive a hundred times trying to burn off adreniline dumped in my system as woke in my night gown with my husband hot on my heals back and forth waiting to catch if I would collapse, it has been a while since I have done it and was during a time I kept fighting the attacks instead of letting them just take me.

I have had my guard up for what ever reason, maybe just stressed with kids, I don't know. Every time my dogs bark I lose it, I expect my husband through the door but soon as I hear the handle they come. I have very much needed to be handled with very gentle hands and voices lately. I am dreading them coming to fix my well, they have been here a couple times before but this time I am scared to be around the men even though they have always been very nice. Husband left a check and I plan on telling my son to just tell them do what they need and send him out to pay. I have my CBT today so hope it helps.

Last night when I had the wopper hit over, get this, Sponge Bob Square Pants. That theme song sends me over the edge. I had my first encounter with the "unreality" side during an attack. It was almost an out of body type of feeling, I was there or was I? Is this real? Why am I feeling frozen? It is so hard to explain and scared me so bad it just triggered another. I truly thought I had lost my mind for real that time compared to others. My husband came in during my bath when I found my voice yelling at him. He settled me and said you know your mind is testing you trying to find your weak spot, don't let it. Tell it you are not afraid and sat with me as I was in the tub to let the second wave of attacks take me. I gave in and let it happen and felt better just worn out, he had to actually help me finish my bath I was so weak. I wanted to cry, but I can't. It is rarely something I do.

I was raised not to cry, my husband knows in years he has seen me cry but once and it was over my grand father dying, somehow he made a come back, despite what the docs said. It is like I just can't do it. I cried over the thought of losing him as he practically was my world as a child, fishing, trapping, driving... His way of killing the snakes.


Anthony, you have so much going on with the kids, more on the way, the flu, this site, it is no wonder as you are getting over the flu you were on edge. How could you not be? Your body is geared up with being ill and I would think it would make every one edgy! But you are truly an inspiration that we all look to and hope to get to the same point that we can try to rest and it gets easier and is not a nightmare everyday just to function. We all most certainly have our moments, just some have it daily while others have an occasional "sneak attack". I hope to get to where you have! I hope you continue feeling better!

I've been desperately trying to pretend to be human, haven't been posting much. I'm on a huge internet forum in my home city, trying to act like a normal person but most of what I post is abnormal stuff people don't want to hear, but it's 'normal' to me. So now I just feel even more like an alien.

To be honest, reading a lot of the posts on here makes me feel alien too, most people have other people in their world, siblings, children, spouses. I've never had another person there in my life and I can't relate to it. I just get sick with anger and jealousy. I just wish I could have people who were just there who knew who I was and I didn't have to explain, and I could get hugs or a 'hello' in the morning or a 'how was your day' in the evening. I've done everything you're supposed to do but none of it has worked.

I've been trying to make friends on the internet but they all have their important people in real life and I am no-one's. I am way done everybody's scale and I would like to feel like I'm important to someone. Every self-help book I read and helpline I ring assumes that I have people already there. It just all makes me feel even more like a freak.

I have worked so hard my whole life at just surviving, I feel like I deserve some reward, but then that feels narcissistic and selfish. I don't know of any other person in mental health services that has no-one at all. Sorry to go on about it but I'm so old now I'm so sick of it. I read some websites about dating but they all made it quite plain that I am past it and nobody will love me in any capacity in the state that I am. I fail all the tests.

I know you will all dispute that but the evidence speaks for itself and I can't bear it. I'm already having nightmares about christmas, which is when I crack up the most. Everybody's got somebody except me and I can't cope with it anymore. I try so hard to be positive but it just goes on and on and I just can't bear it.

Hang in there Purdyamos. You are living in the present only from what you've learned in the past. However, you do not know what lies ahead. Have faith that there is someone in this world if not more than one that will love you for who you are and who you will become. In the meantime, before you meet, work on yourself so that you can be sure you can return that love. And that you are receptive to that love. It's a big assignment. Work on it bit by bit.

Today has been okay for me. I'm a bit grumpy, but I've had a busy week, and once again, I'm sick. I'm beginning to think this is more than just an infection.....but it's the weekend, so the doctor's appointment will have to wait till next week.

Today is our anniversary...6 years....and he's still around. That says alot about committment...

Congrats on your Anniversary!!!!! You are both committed!!!! I have noticed with myself when I've been doing alot my body wears down [remember that our bodies have been drastically changed by our Trauma] Often when the mind gets overloaded our bodies are more suseptible to illness...The body was only built to handle so much Trauma...at least in my case that means any STRESS---which can be interpreted by the body as more Trauma...very wearing!!!!! I know it may be hard...but take more time for yourself this weekend...that can be several mini-breaks....For me that means taking 15 min. ...put on some classical music and let my mind "rest" as it floats among the notes...I have found you to be a very kind and concerned person....please treat yourself gently!!!!
PEACE ...wildfirewildone

Congrats on the wedding anniversary Nam!

Purdyamos - my dog is my best friend. She greets me when I come home and she misses me when I'm gone. It doesn't matter what mood I'm in. There isn't a person on this planet who knows what I have experienced. I'm fairly sure the people on this forum know more about it than anyone else (other than the perpetrator, obviously).

I think a big barrier for us is feeling that we will not be accepted because of what "we've done". This is on top of the huge effects ptsd has on our ability to start and maintain relationships! Clearly, this is something we need to work on and accept that it's not our fault. This takes time and the loneliness between now and then is despairing.

When you are feeling low, post here and you will see that you are not alone. It's no where near as good as having someone physically near you to help and support, but people here genuinely understand and care. There are no obligations to reply to any post, but people do, and it helps.

Take care.

Hi again everyone. Thanks so much for your words, as usual. I'm feeling better this morning and typically ashamed (yes I know I shouldn't) of the stuff I was venting. I hate it when I'm stewing with self pity and resentment. I can't seem to reason my way out of it - it's all I can see, so it's all there is. Then after, I realise it's no wonder I can't find close friends when I have episodic moods like that.

I had a few days of nightmares and terrible isolation. I was having real difficulty concentrating on reading this forum, actually, my head was swirling too much. We're having a record breaking heatwave in Britain which is also crazy-making - though those in places like Australia would probably laugh at the fuss we're making of it!

I have been working really hard this summer at trying to learn and relearn friendship and relationship skills, going out trying to connect with people and be involved, chat to people on forums and MSN. Even when I feel like I'm being a successful, confident, entertaining person, I still feel people turn away so I've still got no buddies, no-one there. It's like I give off an air of something not quite right that makes people back off. I can tolerate it and manage it for a while, but there's an undertow of memories that gets churned up. I feel as if I'm no further on than when I was the friendless freak in the playground.

So it comes and goes, up and down. It's relentless. I will try and spend more time here among 'normal' people! Too much of the real world does my head in.

Oh, and congratulations NAM! I hope your partnership continues to deepen in strength.