My goodness it's certainly been eventful since I was last online! I don't know what to say, I've got no answers, except I'm thinking of you all strung around the globe with the damn soap opera plots that you just can't switch over from. My life's been calm again, except when I went swimming there werte loads of kids and I ended up sobbing openly as I swam my lengths. Will I ever be able to face families and kids without having a nervous breakdown, goddammit! I was embarrassed and nearly drowned as I choked along, but I did a mile.

I hope resolutions come soon to those who are in torment with family strife and neighbours from hell.

Today... Hubby sprained his ankle. Probably tore some tendons pretty well. He heard a lot of popping from his ankle when he went down. So now he gets to have the same thing said to him that he tells the kids, "just watch where you are going". Very swollen and doc says it will be a nice black and blue tomorrow, but at least not broken. He will be off for at least one week minimum since he has to be up and about during work and then be rechecked to see if he can go back. No pain killer though, my doc is pill happy! I guess since doc knows I have major phobias with pain killers I have a lot untouched in the cabinet. He kept giving me the scripts and Hubby always had them filled. But both knew I would suffer before touching them. Told them pain is the bodies way of saying don't do that! If I don't feel it I will just wind up hurting myself worse!

Doc was the one who sent me to the shrink and therapist to figure out what was wrong with me when he could not control symptoms I was having. So it was like a two in one deal as he was really wanting to know what was going on with me also since I had not needed to go back for anything with him. I did not see any changes but he said my attitude was different, and told my husband watch out she is starting to act like a woman jokingly. He said he saw a lot of positive changes even if I don't just by how I acted.

My husband and I never spend any time together as he works so much and the 4 kids, seems the only time we have is a weekly car ride to the therapist and that is still with 4 kids. Now we have TONS of time since school is in session again. This may be good as we can talk, he was quite a nosey thing about my thoughts throughout the day, he did not like some of them but was intrigued. He has nothing better to do except watch me grasp, struggle, try to cope, and see me fighting to contain myself. I really do think he was enlightened today just observing.

He got to enjoy watching what I do during the day and thought it was hilarious to the point of tears watching me vacumm and I had a rebel 2 & 1/2 year old who decided she needed to be naked and got out the toy vacumm following me around in the nude doing chores... Why are some toddlers just so, what word am I grasping for? Stubborn? Need to feel the freedom of bare buttness and cannot keep clothes on them??? My youngest son, soon as he hits the door from school britches come off and runs around in his underwear, he was a mini nudist as a toddler too. I cannot keep anyone clothed!

He did say to me he sees why I try to sneak outside by myself, he said there wasn't a moment she was not right on my tail and when school was out it is chaos.

I will get to drive myself to the therapist for the first time ever Thursday. Kind of nervous, long drive during rush hour but he cannot drive me and I cannot miss a session. Maybe being forced to do it on my own will help, or crash and burn. Guess I won't know until I try.

Having a "5th kid" helpless in the home today has worn me out, hope I can get some good :sleep: The baby ended up in bed with me last night and spent all night kicking me in the back and my cat doing her "happy feet" clawing me every time I started to doze off.

This evening I was feeling so overwhelmed and got tearful over and over....I knew I needed to have a shoulder to cry on....so I called a friend in the building [the only person here I can trust especially not to let anyone know my business] I called and asked if I could come down and she said sure....so I first made me a big bowl of oatmeal [with raisins and cinnamon...YUM!]and ate it....then I went to see her and ended staying and talking to her and her to me...I got to talk about all my stressful events and my feelings....got so much off my chest....she's usually very empathetic!!! We compared notes about a few things and we chatted back and forth and I ended up down there for 3 hours....I feel like I've finally been able to let off the steam from the pressure cooker I've been living under!!!! She did say that she's heard that the manager is afraid of the black people and won't stand up to them....which explains a bit of why no action was taken on my complaints....the people who have traumatized me happen to be black...I am not against the entire black race...I have always tried to just get along with just about anybody...I am rescheduled for an inspection next week on Monday...manager is on vacation this week....I will call her secretary and inform her that I will be on vacation staâ€*ing Friday AM....can't say definately if what day I'll be back...[in reality I may stay with my sister-in-law for a day or two on my way back from camping] So I'll schedule for next Friday as I know I'll be home that day definately...I know that the manager can't legally take pictures like she stated in her letter...so I am going to call her on it!!!! Then I will ask just who actually makes the decision about transfers....I've always been intimidated my managers...fearing that if I don't be meek and mild I could lose my apt. Not so anymore!!!! I have my therapist and psychodoc in on getting me out of here....So now I have leverage!!! I still need to get this place in order and I better get wih it!!! Besides I am tired of the chaotic mess!!! I will call my psychodoc and have him call the assistant director of the housing authority..he offered to do that Monday but I wasn't sure about it...I have not heard anything from the manager about the letters that my psychodoc and my therapist sent....So I think it's time to turn up the "HEAT"!!!! Its so stressful too just to be sitting in limbo!!! and not being able to get straight answers [ "I don't know" is not a specific answer to a question!!] I better leave a message on my psychodoc's message machine so he can call me back so that I can give him specifics what facts he needs to impress upon the assistant director....I know if the pressure is not kept up they'll just let things go on with no resolution!!!:angry-fla .....wildfirewildone
...........PEACE:tongue:

I get you there WF. I'm at a no sleeping except nightmares stage with my waiting game at the moment. Strongly considering a visit to the doc to get something to knock me right out for a few hours.

I keep reminding myself that I'm doing everything I can to help my situation - as you are. We've just got to dig our heels in and hang in there. Little sentence, huge effort!

I do like that piglet... "little sentence, huge effort"

You hang in there, and hopefully things will come out in your favour...

ever since my last counselling session i've been freaking out about the next one...that happens tomorrow...a part of me just feels like telling her that i'm fine and doing great and don't need to go anymore even though that's not the case...has anyone else felt this way before a session?

Yep... even tried it, at which point I was told to pull my head in and they could read me better than that. Attending counselling is a natural anxiety for us, but you must fight past that feeling, and attend your sessions, because the short term pain you endure now, is nothing compared to living a pretty normal life again once past this.

Yesterday I posted my trauma diary then had to dash off to a veterinary appointment. When I returned home I spent the rest of the day cleaning, baking, watering the garden, doing laundry, vacuuming the stairs, mopping the downstairs floors.... Somewhere in there I even bathed a dog and washed the dishes.
Now mind you, this is really hard for me to do. I usually spread this much work out among 3 days or so. I showered and went to bed with every muscle and bone aching. It's now 2:45am here and as usual, I can't sleep.
Why the urgent need to stay so physically active that drove myself purposely to exhaustion? I think I was trying to avoid the feelings that the diary stirred up.
I have a T-shirt that reads, "I do it for the pain, the ink and the jewelry are just souveniers" (tattoos and piercings) Like cutting as a child, I still find myself needing to physically "feel" my emotions.:hit-boss:

Geez Boo... you know and self identify, as I would expect your capability too as a nurse, but then you get stuck with the no sleep. Your work effort is avoidance, no doubt about it, because as you are most likely well aware yourself, stirring emotions often sends us into unknown territory, feelings we don't know how to handle any more, feelings we don't want to handle.

What did you stir-up? What did you feel?

I felt exposed, but not in an unsafe way. Just that after posting my diary I didn't have time to process "how" I felt about it, I just dashed out the door to our Vet appointment. Then (convinientyly LOL) forgot to give myself that time when I returned home.
So my words to describe what I was trying to feel: exposed but relieved, a bit drawn back into the trauma, and maybe a little bit of self pity/depression so I punished myself by over working.
It's my new "normal" to only sleep about 4 hrs at a time due to pain or monsters chasing me in my dreams.