Have a good trip wildfire, and enjoy your holiday with your son.

Had a better day. Have been tidying - mostly thinking about tidying actually, but it's a start :crazy-blu

Jods,

I second the hug. Just a hug and if you say any thing, just say I am here for you if you want to talk about it. I am having a very rough day and ripped everyone a new today. My husband went to bed and just said baby if you need to talk wake me up, I am here for you. I am not going to, but it was nice just to know he is there. But some of the crap that has spewed from my mouth when he prods I am schocked he still inquires! Some guys just don't learn I guess :)

My husband goes to my sessions and normally takes the children to the park. I am always a total basket case coming out. Some times I want to talk, other times I tell everyone in the car to shut up and I want nothing but pure silence for the over an hour drive home. I don't think you can avoid looking and feeling like crap because so much is being disected on what landed you there to begin with. When you look at the issues under a microscope and they pull them apart and try to help you learn to process it all over again, but with a therapist you have someone guiding you through the steps to process it in a more constructive healthy way. But you are left feeling and reliving the horrors all over up close and personal.

It is something he will have to for the most part do for himself, and sometimes he may want to let it out, but don't expect it or push it. Right now it is hard to comprehend your own thoughts and feelings going through threapy, muchless trying to express it a way another would understand, though Anthony is uncanny with that... Hell, when I can't make sense of what I am thinking and feeling I have to come here because he puts it in a way I get. I think I may be paying the wrong guy for my threapy sometimes!

Got news my grand father is at death's door. He had been a few months back but after I saw him he made a amazing turn around shocking everyone and the docs. Short lived I guess. He is old, he is tired. He won't eat anymore and is refusing fluids. He has rejected any medical intervention for some time now, just making peace with God. I am very close to him. But I cannot go to him now. It is in God's hands now. I know he will not make it in Texas heat with no A/C (never had it and won't use it) and not taking any fluids. I was so upset last time, this time it is numbness. My entire extended family is making it out there tomorrow. I won't be going. My stress levels are too high. I don't speak to my dad or any of that family. I am very close with my grandparents and my twin, but that is it and it is a huge family. But you go from room to room and family members who were just so sweet to each other one second are bad mouthing the same ones to other family members soon as they are apart. They all do it so I just don't need all that fake BS.

I think with my new found uncontrolable rage it could get ugly. I just can't do it... I know I would do something to break my grand mother's heart.

Husband's wrapping came off the ankle today for me to replace, very nasty looking. I seriously doubt he will be on it any time soon at all. I am getting so worn down driving, seeing him hurt, and me "functioning". I knew a relied heavily on him but did not see how much! I am dreading getting up and having to shop tomorrow. I always panic in stores and around people. So many chores that I just cannot do. Like the water, we don't drink the well water. Coming off meds has made me so weak I can barely pick up my cast iron skillet. And to think I am even going to try and pick up 5 gallon jugs? Teen son can do that and since hubby is on crutches he can't catch and kill the annoying teen girl when he gets left with her. Who is so frigging HORMONAL I just want to scream!!!

She spent all morning bawling like it was the end of the world, me being a big ray of sunshine in the morning asks what in the hell is wrong with you??? "I don't know, I just can't stop crying" Okey dokey then. And then we are trying to get to the car for school and she is still uncombed, not dressed (strict dress code) not eaten, and no make up. So I go yank crap out of her closet and throw it at her and inform her she is a teenager, I should not have to dress her like the 2 year old. And tough on eating. Soon as I get home a call from the school... I gave her a black skirt , tan or blue only allowed. Bring clothes. I say F* no. Go sit in detention all day, you are old enough to dress yourself, you chose not to so deal with it and hung up, I am sure the school liked that reply. I was so pissed off. I was not driving back into town because she can't dress herself!

To top it off teen son got a flipping hickey. I have just been too damn busy to kill him yet or figure out who gave it to him. Been picking him up late after school so I know when he did it... Then the dumbass says he burned himself. I was on my way out to the hospital for husband and told him he was an idiot, girls use that excuse because they use CURLING IRONS and it looks the same. I told him he had until I came back to come up with a more creative lie or he was going to be pulling my boot out of his ass when I got back.

I don't think I am coping well... I lost count of how many times I sounded like a drunk sailor telling everyone to shut up in a not so nice fashion, I need silence tonight. Right now I don't know if I want to sit in the quite or go to bed.

Veiled, exactly who could cope with that? That is ALOT going on there. I did enjoy reading it though....had me riveted to the edge of my seat, wondering what you would do about that hickey! (Sorry...cracked me up! LOL) Oh the teenage years....

Had a great day today. Mowed the lawn, (more liked baled the hay), had overdone steaks for supper, and trying to finish the floor. (I taught my two year old a new word from swearing at that freakin floor!) I only have a few odd pieces to cut and place.

I hope the rest of you are doing well. I think about all of you quite often.....

Veiled,

You have my sympathy here with the teenager thing. What a week it has been in this house, I swear if Anthony and the teenager insist on doing the 'i'm doing the big, hairy ape thing beating my chest because I can ' I am going to snap!! The teenager has got the whole boy testosterone thing running wild and is he ever a pain in the ass with it. They both just don't get it, when they are being loud and obnoxious they are really LOUD!! Not an environment for pregnant women or toddlers. I am seriously considering buying a punching bag and two sets of gloves..........then when they start I will just throw boxing gloves at the both of them.

We also have the impending move which is not sitting well with Anthony, despite his protests to the contrary. He has growled at every living creature in this house except the toddler, each night this week.

Hi Y&A & Veiled

Thanks for words of wisdom.
Hubby is usually as open as he can be (or remember) about what he talks about in his session. I always let him talk about things at his own pace & time.
I assummed that it might be the fact that he has only just started his trauma therapy & it has surprised him how much it takes out of him.
I have been telling him that I am so proud of him for doing this therapy & I know its gonna hurt like hell for him. I have also been giving him lots of hugs & telling him that I love him & I am here to walk beside him every step of the way. We took vows-"in sickness & in health"

Hope everyone is being kind to themselves.

Jods,

Is your husband on medication? I just ask because my doc pointed out to me he was amazed I remembered my sessions since I still have meds in my system. I told him between self medication and the high doses that would put a horse down the current dose does not effect my memory. It is almost impossible to get the reactions they want from you if medicated though and to follow what is going on. He had pointed it out to me because he had several patients who could not progress in recovery because they simply did not remember what he had them doing, or supposed to be doing since medicated.

And just a thing to throw out there. Rage may come into play later, it may seem directed at you. It isn't and he will feel like an ass later.

Veiled and Kerrie Ann I feel for you both! Veiled I think you gave an excellent response to the school. You are doing so well with your other half out of the game. Be proud!

If it makes you feel any better, the new school term starts soon (at least it does here) and I get hundreds of teenagers invading from all directions. Many of them will have hickeys by the end of the first week. I usually embarass them by reminding them that they are human and should not be dating leeches. Gone to the lengths of drawing the evolutionary chart on the white board.

Good luck!

Not a bad day for me. Spent 4 hours chasing a wallaby around the grounds. Then the dog rolled in something indescribably smelly. Caught the wallaby, bathed the dog (not at the same time) and I think I've done my exercise quota for the next 6 months. I don't think I'll be able to move tomorrow!

Veiled

He has changed to effexor (wk4or 5 now). His memory isnt all the best so he tells me what he can when he can.
Thanks for the heads up on the rage, he said he can feel it building up now & then but can control it a the moment.
I know if anything hurtful does come out of this mouth that its not "him". I like to think I have the hide of a rhino so I know that I shouldn't take it as a personal attack. It's just him venting.

Hi Piglet
I learnt something new today- I thought we only had wallabies in Oz!