I wish you did after this morning!!!! They are considered an exotic pet here. Mostly kept in animal parks, petting zoos etc. We keep them so that our students can become familiar with their habits and care requirements - e.g. damn good fencing needed!

Having seen our escapee move today, I'm wondering how the wild population is controlled? How the hell does any predator catch one?

I've been bickering and verbally mean and downright nasty with my family all week, all the while I've been nice and kind to you folks on this forum. Last night I went to the VA because all week I had been having chest pain and just wanted to see what was actually causing it... not to mention, I had some really bad panic attacks earlier in the week, I've been coughing a lot and my ears seem stuffed up. While at the VA, I completely forgot to mention anything about my ears. The doc at the VA ER diagnosed me with diabetes because my blood sugar was so high. They asked me if I was upset about that. I told them I don't care.
Diabetes can be controlled, PTSD is a whole other animal, which will probably hinder my ability to control my diabetes... what a vicious circle. I just don't seem to have the will to care about it. I think of my family, and think that they are better off without me than with me. My pain unintentionally spills over to them since they live with me, and I feel so guilty for it. At least this wouldn't be a traumatic suicidal type of death if I was to succumb to it. If its to be, then I hope it happens sooner than later so my wife and daughters have time to get over it and also while I have so much life insurance on myself. Ahhh... I'm thinking of worse-case scenario because many people with diabetes live long and happy lives nowadays thanks to advances in medicine. I'm 32... if I could lose the weight (I'm 250 now... I should be 180lbs), then I would probably lose the diabetes as well. Hell, losing weight would probably have a positive impact on all my damn health problems... unfortunately, for many, being overweight is the root of/can make one more prone to poor health... mentally and physically (although I was pretty healthy and strong physically when they sent me to Iraq). The Iraq war is wrong.

Mac, that really sucks that you have Diabetes on top of all this?
Do you have to take injections now? or modify your diet?
I hate needles... *shiver*


I've been up and down all week...
well, down for 6 of the days.... but I was really happy for 1.
Bubble got burst next morning though.

Tummy is rumbling... I just realized I haven't eaten anything in over 13 hours... :(
Time to grab cereal or something...

Mac, funny how we get that way on here. Those we are closest to get the new ass ripped. But we can pick and choose when to post here and when in the mood to socialize, unlike our family who we can't get out from under us when the moods strike. And on here we get where the other is coming from, we have the t shirt. Our family just sees the effects at home, and it is one of those types of things that you just cannot get your mind around really unless you experience it first hand in my opinion.

The chest pain... So classic of Panic Attack. Mine would change in pressure type of pain, move, get in my shoulder have an arm go numb. Everytime I convinced myself it was panic it just changed. Never goes away. I always think great, so how the hell am I going to know when the heart attack hits when it is so common for me to get symptoms? I am sure if I ever have one I will be stiff before someone realizes that wasn't a panic attack, ha ha. But besides the fact as they still cut my meds I smoke about 3 packs a day. Hell, if I ever make it out of this hole it will probably be with a nice case of lung cancer! After I get through the brunt of this and finish tapering meds smoking is next in line... Already cut sugar and caffine, they tried to take my chocolate. I don't think so. They have advised me not to quit smoking at this time, got bigger fish to fry.

I do hope you get the diabetes under control with just a few lifestyle, eating changes. I have seen several people "have it" and just a change in diet it no longer shows up.

My grandfather died about 13 hours after I posted about him being at deaths door. more in a moment, need to get my head back together...

Was getting phone calls from sis this morn trying to get me to drive out to my grandparents again. I hate it when people try to lay a guilt trip. They don't work, just pisses me off. If I could have reached through the phone she would has been slapped up side the head. When he was so ill before the priest had already been going out there preparing him for death. I said my good byes I told him how much I loved him and held him. Seeing him like that pushed me over the edge last time to get me to my "breaking point" where no amount of meds controlled the panic.

Why in the hell am I being treated like I don't care? I cannot handle the family. It is a huge family and it isn't like I would have been able to spend any time with my grandmother, she had a swarm there. My grandfather was gone when he gave up yesterday. Not today. I know my grandfather would have gotten it.

My sister's new husband called and left a voice mail he passed. I thought that was world class ass holish, not even have a family member call me. Not sure why my phone did not ring, just the message tone.

I was already having panic attacks just being out and about doing shopping and hubby's normal chores. But talk about fate. A friend was driving to my home (he was supposed to be at work and just took off early saying screw it)and passed me on the back roads so I turned around and drove back to my house and dropped off my van and he took me. I was glad not to be alone just being out, I don't do well driving or being in stores.

It was time for my dose of meds as the body still screams even if it does not get the tiny dose of one mg xanax, that is tiny since it used to be a 3 mg dose before withdrawals and tapering. I took it as I checked my voice mail. The tears almost came, and I thought finally I am going to cry, just needed something to push me hard enough. How selfish is that??? Soon as my eyes started to water up it stopped and panic took a major hold. I was losing it and could not cry. I can normally control them now and just go for the intial ride and it is 10 minutes. Not this time. Thank goodness I wasn't driving, I would not have made it.

I sat there trying to figure out after coming down from 9 - 10 mg a day to 3 a day was I a total failure if I took another. I decided no I wasn't. I have busted my ass coming off this shit and it isn't everyday you lose one of the most importanr people in your life. This set of grand parents, my twin, and my family in my household are the only ones I could ever see my self mourn for. Losing him was losing a big piece of me. So I took a 2 mg dose to calm myself enough not to end up in the hospital.

Played with a copper head on the dirt road by my house and took some pics. Stopped by one of the bayous to look at the lovely purple flowers growing on the water plants, keeping an eye out for gators and cotton mouths. I was in an area that had some clearing and gators use that to slide in. But I stood there watching the brown water and looking at how the flowers were just beyond my reach, I wanted one... I did not want to hurry home to 4 screaming kids fighting and the 2 teens being an ass taking advantage of their stepdad being laid up not able to walk. I was just enjoying the nature and peace thinking of my grandfather.

My best friend called me but because the pills and stress put me to sleep I missed it. I figured he was calling to cancle our plans for fishing Monday. Thankfully he was calling to confirm he was still playing hooky from work Monday and will be at my house at 7 AM. He has to leave at 5. Told him about the passing so I know nothing will come up, he is always there catching me when I crash. Has been since I was a teen! I really needed to go fishing, one of my favorite memories of grand pa is fishing and it is the most relaxing thing for me. I plan to make sure I bring a piece of 2x4 for old times sake and some ice water. When I was little he showed me when we caught a catfish how when you gut it fresh you pour the ice water on the heart it would start to beat again. I know not "nature friendly" but I am a red neck and gramps was a major factor in that and in my upbringng.

I have been sitting here remembering all the traps we used to go check, his way of killing the snakes, his revolver, I am debating asking hubby for money to buy his old truck I grew up in. First car I ever drove. A real old chevy. Thing is at least 30 years old and not kept up, doubt it runs, but I can work on chevys, they are easy. I am giving teen son my pick up and I was pouty that all I would have is a mini van. I love my truck. I would love his so much more. Keep a piece of him. I wonder if grandma would sell it to me? Give me a project car. Yeah, if ya haven't figured it out I am not girly...

The funeral. I have decided not to go. Talk about piss off my family. They may not know what is going on but I could give a shit. I don't need to go through that. I will go after the fact to pay my last respects and visit the grave.

Veiled, I want you to re-read the below post you made please, quoted beneath (snipped to pieces by me), and then read my comments at the end please.

Ok, I snipped your post to pieces, and highlighted what you said above. Veiled... you mentioned in your post that you just cannot do things. Guess what... from the above, your doing them. Stop and look, have a think about what you are doing vs. what you think you cannot do!

Usually we relearn our abilities to cope and manage through slow progressive dareing of ourselves, ie. pushing ourselves past our comfort zones and into realms we once used to go, but may have fears now. Whilst a little disoriented in that you husband getting ill has forced you into having to do all choirs, can you step back a minute and have a look... you are doing. So, when you say again, "I CAN'T", that would be an incorrect statement on your behalf, because "YOU ARE" doing these things, and the worst that is happening is your more stressed.

The reason you stressed is because you not used to doing these things, or some things you thought you couldn't do, or feared doing as part of your trauma history. Nothing bad has really happened to you, has it? The stress is because your a little over doing things at present, but when bought back a notch, you will find you can no DO MORE without the extra stress, because this situation is forcing you to pickup things that you didn't think you were capable.

How does that grab you??? To me, your doing an amazing job, when you thought you couldn't. Yes, when hubby is better, you need to bring it back a little, a bit more on controlled learning and introduction into these extra tasks, but you can see... nothing bad is happening to you really... just the stress, and that gets better when a more controlled approach is taken. Interesting ha...

*smooch* thank you Anthony. Gives me a bit of a pick up :)

Mac, so what is the difference then between here and your family? Why can you not use the same frame of mind you use here, with your family? It can be done, it just takes learning and time. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen. Slow progressive change is better than no change. You will take two steps forward, one step back, but atleast you are moving forward, not backwards. This now moves towards you doing some work with self recognition, self appraisal (being the hardest and toughest appraisal of all), identify emotions that are causing your anger, and learn how to deal with those emotions with a better release than anger.

Diabetes can be controlled, PTSD is a whole other animal, which will probably hinder my ability to control my diabetes...

... if I could lose the weight (I'm 250 now... I should be 180lbs), then I would probably lose the diabetes as well. Hell, losing weight would probably have a positive impact on all my damn health problems... [/quote]

Mac, so you answered your own statements, now... what are you going to do about it. You answered your own positive with a negative, though you also provided another positive, being that you were once fit and healthy, so there is no reason apart from listening to yourself, that its not achievable again.

Regardless what you mind is telling you, get out of bed, have a shower to wakeup, do nothing else apart from get dressed and putting your shoes on, then out the door and go for a walk. Start with walking, increase the distance, increase the speed, progress to jogging, etc etc... you already know the fitness process. Only your judgement is stopping you, nothing more. We can find excuses all day long to not do something, but they are excuses.

Being healthy will get your mind and body under control again. This is factual, not fictional. You are the solution to your own problems mac, and I know you already have the dicipline to fix this. A start here is better than no start at all.

Well veiled... this is not really the case, because if you look under panic attack, the actual cause is anxiety. So, the chest pain is caused by anxiety. How do we fix the problem when we get anxious? We divert our attentions to bring our mind back to reality, because anxiety is generally stemmed from a fear of something, ie. you say you have a panic attack at the shopping center, but in actual fact, you are getting anxious before you even get to the shopping center.

So then... before you go into the shopping center, you ground yourself, divert your mental energy to reality, release the anxiety before you even enter. You can do this through various methods, ie. five things to touch, smell, hear or see. You can put things into prospective if your mentally stronger to do, being that you stop, think and reassure yourself that your anxiety is based on fiction, not the reality of going into the shopping center. People are not out to get you, etc etc... those type thoughts.

3 packs a day though veiled is really unacceptable, and does require a cut back. Yes, your therapist is correct in saying you should not aim at giving up yet, because the nicotine is a known suppressant to calm, so by taking that away at the moment, that would throw you over the edge and into hospital. The quantity though could start to be looked at, and even effective management implemented, ie. if you are smoking 3 packs of 20 cigarettes, then maybe start counting out less each day, reducing the overall amount by one per day until you reach a more acceptable level, ie. one pack of 20 per day, or about 15 per day optimal. One pack of 30's will do me two to two and a half days. That level is usage, where you are currently dependant upon 3 packs. This is no different to being dependant upon alcohol or drugs, instead of you use alcohol or drugs, but do not rely upon them as a coping strategy.