I am sorry to hear about your grandpa passing veiled... and I understand about the funeral non-attendance also... I don't do funerals myself. You look after you, and grieve in your manner, not what others want. Well done veiled, as you have progressed a long way, and a little sidestep is fine under these circumstances, as long as it is only a once off thing, not a new daily thing. Look after you hey...

Mac,

If its any consolation, Anthony has been a pain in the ass all week, the only living creature in this house that has not been yelled at is the toddler. He is better than he used to be but sometimes forewarning would allow us to get the hell out of his way. Trust me, you are not the only one who impacts on your family. From a spouses perspective one of the important lessons that those with PTSD need to learn is to lay off the spouses!!! Please give your wife and daughters warning if you are not feeling well and then do what you can do to manage that - it lessens the impact on everyone.

Funny thing, today thought I would get all of us out for a walk and some fresh air. Went into the city to walk along the lake with a friend and as luck would have it Defence were running their annual 'lake attack' fun run or charity run. Not only were there heaps of military personnel, albeit in civi's, but we had the recruiting tents, the LAV's (Light Armoured Vehicles) and just to top it all off Anthony's favourite......helicopters flying overhead!! So much for my idea to get us out of the house, exercised and stress free.

Dearest Veiled, I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandfathers' passing. I do agree with your choice not to attend the funeral. He's dead today and he'll be dead tomorrow. Your living sanity is paramount with all that is going on in your life; the last thing you need is dysfunctional family drama. Spend quality time at your Grandfathers' gravesite when you feel ready. A chat and some peaceful silence could do you so much good!

Hey Mac, repeat after me, "apathy is not my friend!"
You have PTSD, Diabetes (which sounds like can be diet and weight controlled) and you are looking for a way out. If you are not in counseling - get there. Civilian if you feel more comfortable there. Many work on a sliding scale fee according to what you can pay. Worry about the money later.

Tell your wife how you are feeling and specifically tell her, "if you see me continue on this path or get worse, get me help." You may not be in a position to see how deep you can wallow in the mire, your wife knows you and loves you. Don't sugar coat it, don't try to spare her feelings, she deserves better than that.

Tell her that getting you help means dialing 911. She has to have a plan. If you die she will spend the rest of her life wondering 'what if' , 'if only'.... you will pass on the curse of Trauma to your family.

What happens when she dials 911? The ambulance will come, your wife will tell them how you have been increasingly more depressed and she is afraid for your safety. The ambulance personell (who are highly trained to deal with this type of emergency - and no it can't wait until tomorrow...) will take you to an inpatient psychiatric facility where you will be placed on a 72-hour involuntary hold. This will be your saving grace. The demands of normalcy will be gone, your family will know you are safe and they can rest, all you have to do is be open to letting others help you.

Why am I telling you this? Because I like having you on this forum, we all learn from eachother. And because fear of the unknown can often keep people from seeking the help they need when they need it. And because you sound desperate and apathetic about life in general; not the time for me to politely tip-toe around the subject of suicide.

Stay safe, Stay strong
~Boo-Damphir

BIG REPLY
Young and Angry (YA), Veiled, Anthony, Kerrie-Ann, Boo-Damphir...
First, thank ya'll for your concerns and feedback.
YA, they gave me an injection of something and prescribed me a new med (metformin) to take for stabilizing my blood sugar. I’m supposed to go to an appointment at the VA on Monday for diabetes lifestyle adjustment counseling. Needles don’t bother me… I always drew my own blood.
Veiled, I never thought about it that way (family at home vs. here). You made a lot of sense… thank you for that. By the way, my mom and uncle (once in their forties) both stopped smoking (cold turkey). They were both heavy smokers since they were teenagers, so hopefully that gives you some hope (to stop smoking).
-When I was having panic attacks, I could not breathe (gasping for air) like I was dying. I tried to watch a comedy on TV after, but even that was stressing me out to the max. Every time I went to sleep that night, I woke up sometime later trying to breathe as if like the realization of my own mortality was suffocating me. It wasn’t asthma, because I have that also and I know the difference in symptoms. I think posting my ‘intro’ might have been what triggered this to happen to me… I can’t say for sure though. The last time I had chronic chest pain, I was diagnosed with Pancreatitis. That’s a whole other page full of memoirs right there… my hospitalization for that landed me in a psychiatric hospital. I’ve had high blood pressure (BP) for a while now, and my BP was pretty high yesterday.
I believe you are right about the control factor of diabetes. You know… I am such a shit! I’ll tell you why… I was not born with defects. I am blessed to have been brought into this world as healthy and bright as I once was. I have brought everything on myself thanks to poor judgment and not listening.
-Back in 2002, my great-grandmother passed away in May and my brother and I (we used to be very close) went fishing together when we heard the news. It may sound weird, but we were happy for her as we knew she no longer suffered like she did. We also caught a lot of bream that evening which helped take our minds off it. Growing up in southern Louisiana, I was always around a fishing environment… in fact, like you, my grandfather was the one that introduced me to fishing as he was an avid angler. I am also extremely close to my grandfather (I call him ‘Gramps’ also). He has been more of a father to me than my biological father (don’t know where he’s at) ever was. Due to my grandfather’s poor health, he and I can no longer go fishing together (at a time when now I have the time!). I have wonderful memories of when I was a child and teenager with him though… and made a poor decision (joining the military) because being away all that time cost me quality time I could have spent with my grandfather. Your grandfather must be a wonderful man to have made such a positive impression on you. While I do not understand your loss yet, I do however feel for you and what you must be going through because my grandfather is one of the few people outside my immediate family I am so close to.
-And a lot of people don’t do funerals well, and that’s okay and normal, but don’t let any of those assholes in your life stop you from being present there, if, in the back of your mind, you want to be there. From my own experiences with family funerals, I’ve noticed that the event can bring assholes out of the woodwork, yes, but the reunion of family and friends can end up being nice (no one usually wants to add any more grief to the situation), if only for that short time. I don’t know… I hope I’m not pissing you off here, put’n my .02 cents in. Nowadays, I just have the attitude of, “fu** ‘em, feed’m beans!”
-I had a brand new 1999 Mustang GT at one time. Ford Mustang’s were the only cars I really ever drove. This one had Black paint and five speed transmission. The first day I got that car, my brother and I went and picked up my uncle and we went joy riding on the back roads near Jean Lafitte Park. Several weeks later, my uncle was brutally murdered and his killer still roams free somewhere. The first few days after, it was like I could feel his presence in the car with me at times. Sometimes I think he was in Iraq watching over me (my mom swears that’s the case). Later on, after coming back from Iraq, sports cars were petty to me and even though I previously said I would always keep this car because of the sentimental value it possessed (memories of my uncle), I took pictures and sold it anyway. I was also given my uncles 21’ fish/ski boat, which needed some repair… it ended up being more painful to have than it was worth. And what seemed to make it worse was that I was about to dump big money into a project that would not only piss me off at times (as anyone with mechanical experience can tell you about the frustration that goes with stubborn nuts and bolts), but that I was working on something that was another painful reminder to me (my uncle’s death). So I took pictures of the boat with my digital camera and abandoned it on the side of the road as a donation for someone to have. If anything, someone’s got one hell of a boat motor, and I figure my uncle would be pleased with that decision. When my grandfather passes away, I hope to have something personal of his, like a gun or fishing pole, or even a letter opener. If anything, I’ll still have the fond memories. After my uncles death, I learned that I do not want something that constantly reminds me of a loved-one’s death, requires my undivided attention with grief thrown in, and the time, money, upkeep, etc… for such an item. If I was Jay Leno, and had all that money, then I might consider having someone rebuild the car, truck, boat for me, and then stick it in my warehouse collection where it would collect dust. Personally, for me, driving my grandfather’s truck would only cause me spontaneous grief, and I have enough of that already. If anything, get it for your son and let him fix it up as he will respect a vehicle more that he put effort into, than one that comes easy.
-You got a lucky teenage son, ‘cause I’d give him the minivan. ;~)
-The environmental setting you described sounds like Florida or Louisiana. I live in Northwest Louisiana and have a 2002 model bass boat that just collects dust now. I used to go by myself a lot, but it just didn’t bring me the peace of mind I was looking for. It can be so damn peaceful, that my mind is allowed to wander too much. I got hundreds $$$ invested in fishing tackle alone. I got no friends nearby and my wife and daughters are not much interested in going fishing. I only go now when my wife asks me for fish.
Anthony, I think Veiled described it best. Sometimes I tell my family to just leave me be and not pressurize me more, but they tend to be as stubborn as me. I just want to be left alone. After all this time, I still do not think my wife understands, or wants to accept things. When my mood drops, I become one stubborn and belligerent sob.
Kerrie-Ann, thanks for the reassurance. I feel bad when I think of what my family goes through now because of me. My wife married me for ‘better or worse,’ but my kids didn’t ask for and don’t deserve such an asshole father like me. A lot of times I want to do what is right for my family, and because at times I feel so far gone, I tend to feel like they would be better off… and my behavior doesn’t help it. Today I made a very conscious effort to be nice. We went to a brunch buffet today, where I pigged out.
-I totally understand Anthony’s aversion to helicopter noise. He is not alone there… it’s a disturbing sound to me every time I here one (especially military).
Boo-Damphir, thank you for your advice and concern. Once again I am an ungrateful shit because I can receive care virtually free of charge right now because of my military service characterization. Many of you are burdened and limited by the cost of such care, and if you had the same access as I do, it might possibly make all the difference in the world to you. I am here because I am trying to get some mental relief so that I can possibly provide for my family again down the road. I apologize to everyone for being such a shit. I had an appointment with a counselor last week, but forgot the correct time and therefore missed it. I got another one for this week coming up. Boo-Damphir, thanks for being here.

Veiled
I'm sorry for your loss.Hope you are taking care of yourself.

Mac
My hubby was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes a year before his "accident" that has caused his PTSD. He is tablet controlled. The "good" thing about the diabetes is that he has to look after himself (try to eat healthy & exercise when he can). A little tip- keep some jelly beans with you in case you forget to eat to avoid a low blood sugar reading. Be kind to yourself.

Kerrie-Ann
I tried the whole family walk thing with hubby a few days ago & instead it of it being a nice walk hubby came home feeling worse than what he did when we left! Not good for him but the little one & I felt better for it.

Hope everyone is having a calm & nice day

Veiled
I'm so sorry for your loss.

Mac
My aunt has type2 diabetes and is mostly controlled through diet, dammed if you got to eat heathy stuff now.
We have had a few Mustangs in the family here to, Boss302, 351, 429, My brother is a total Ford nut.
I hear you to about not wanting somethings that remind one of a loved one maybe getting rid of them is a way of letting go. I used to go fly fishing with a good friend who later killied himself over a girl and I have not been fishing since. Maybe I'll buy a flie rod and try it again.

Thanks for the kind words guys. I appreciate it. My sis called this evening and tried the guilt trip crap again. Then told me to just take a pill (xanax) and get over it. Again she is lucky I can not reach through a phone. Everything I had not to tell her where to get off. I somehow stayed nice and pointed out my husband has to go to the doctor to be checked out again and I need to go in with him Tuesday to be checked out too plus I have my threapy I can't miss, which she seems to think is a joke.

No funeral, found out grandma is putting him in an urn. She is keeping him but there will be services held. I just can't go because of my rage flare ups. I never know when it is going to hit and it strikes me that it will be a perfect set of circumstances to have me hit that level, especially with my dad and step monster their. I would hate smashing in a face while everyone is mourning. Something tells me it just would not go over well. I will go visit her when there are not so many people I dislike around. I need to get the temper in check first, while right now doc wants me to still feel the rage that has been hitting me, go figure... He said it is good and where I need to be currently.

I am just going to dig out my gear, it is scattered every where, and go fish after dropping off the kids. Mac, I am in the SE portion of Texas. Have a choice of the San Jacinto river or Trinity river, countless bayous and the coast. But since I want to be able to eat what I catch I will probably head up the Trinity to avoid all the pollution from being dumped in the ship channel.

The pick up probably is a bad idea. I just grew up with them so much and wandered the woods and fished in the ponds not to mention chasing armadillos in the fields. They are in central Texas. Hell, he loved having the tomboy around. I used to use those metal Tonka dump trucks he'd get me to haul the dirt for my mud pies :) And I can't help but smile (nice to smile today) right now thinking everytime I did something stupid to get him pissed he'd come looking for me with that belt to whip my ass... Grandma would shove me one way and say go, I normally just ran off to the woods or barn and played around and she'd tell him she saw me go the other way. He never caught me for one of those ass whoopings ha ha ha. I really miss him. Sucked not getting the BB gun back though bigger ha ha. I was a brat who deserved a few of those whoopings!

But on the bright side I upped the dose yesterday on my dope to cope, but I have kept it in check today. Back down where it should be. Debated going to have a tat worked on... relaxs me, I know I am wired wrong. Last time I was stressed pretty bad I went to add some shading to one part and fell asleep while they worked the ink. Apparently they never saw someone doze off during the process and kind of freaked out. wussies... I am still in the process of completing my tattoo belt, I always add to it when I hit a maxed out emotional level. And my best bud is always an enabler, he has taken me for my last few additions. Who knows may toss in a line and go play with some ink! I need a break from my family and he sounds like he needs a break from his after talking to him today. Thanks for listening to me ramble.

Thanks Jods for that tip and nice to meet you here; now I got a good excuse to eat jelly beans.
Hey Farmer. I’ve had a 1977 Mustang w/302 (I totaled it), a 1976 Mustang Cobra w/ modded 302 (fast car… and I flipped that one several times and I wasn’t wearing a seat belt; damn I’m a lucky sob!), 1984 Mustang 5.0 (younger brother has it now), 1993 Mustang 5.0 (wish I would have kept; me and wife met when I had this car), 1991 Mustang 5.0 w/auto trans/no mods (sucked!! I should have known it was going to be a ‘doozy’ when I found the previous owner’s crack-pipe), and a 1999 Mustang GT (best one I owned; best built). What’s aggravating… the whole time I had Mustang’s, my wife never had an interest in them (she never wanted to drive ‘em or have anything to do with them, although she has always wanted a 1965 convertible). I get rid of my 1999 Mustang in 2004 and am no longer interested in them at that point… then the 2005 model debuts, and she’s (wife) just got to have one now- and the convertible, no less! She’s like the biggest Mustang fan since. I test drove one and they have respectable power. Unfortunately for my wife, our financial situation is not suitable to have such a luxury item like that. If we could afford it though, I’d let her have it.
Veiled, I had a BB/pellet gun when I was 9 years old- big mistake because I was an unsupervised boy and sharp-shooter with it… I’m sure you can figure the rest of that story.
*Never leave kids (especially boys) unsupervised access to air guns (my safety message for the day).*

Hey Veiled
Your a girl after my own heart! (about the tatts)Wish I could fall asleep during one. Hubby reckons he just loves the sensation that he gets when he gets his done. Go enjoy!