Ummmm.... yes.... can testify to this statement, considering as a young boy, with mate, air rifles in had, shotup next door neighbours house and car... we were pleased until my dad found out. The fun stopped at that point...

Any time Mac, always here for you. I have several still active duty friends who have chosen to see private civilian counselors because they were uncomfortable having their CO know they are seeing a "shrink." It all depends on the unit, some are really supportive of PTSD effects and others tell their crew to shake it off and carry on (Hoo-Ra!)
Go easy on yourself, do something good for yourself today - guilt free, no explanations needed. You deserve it.
~Boo-Damphir

Thanks Boo-Damphir. You know, when I think about it… maybe I wouldn’t be so bad off today if I would have just went ahead and came forward with my problems. I was very ignorant though I guess. If I could have done it all over again… first, I wouldn’t volunteer for shit again. Second, I should have just come forward and talked to my boss about my problems as they happened… when I think about it, he probably wouldn’t have done me the way he did after I came back if I would have been up front with him (although I do fault him for not looking after me, making sure I had reasonable personal protection). I was basically an assistant manager (NCOIC of Core Laboratory) then, and the troops used to like me and respect me. If I said anything about my problems, I knew it would cost me my position, which would ultimately affect my career promotions and I would be looked at as ‘worthless’ for contingency missions, leadership ability, and overall effectiveness as an NCO and troop. My troops below me would know something happened… “Sergeant Mac got fired from his position… what did he do?” This cascade of events would, in turn, cause my family to suffer because of the stifling affect this would have on my career (as I was the sole financial provider), or worse yet, get me discharged for mental problems (what I think I feared most about coming forward). I had been in for over 10 years when I went to Iraq, and planned to make a career out of the military. When I came back I still had absolutely no real clue what PTSD was… I thought only survivors of mass casualties in war got PTSD (I called it shell-shock). So when I was diagnosed later on, after ‘spilling the beans,’ I did not believe them because I did not survive a mass casualty attack or anything of the sort. When I realized that shit just absolutely wasn’t right with me, I still had time to keep this from becoming a chronic condition. Instead, I did the best I could to cope on my own, quietly tough it out... and the end result cost me everything that I feared would probably happen above anyway. To anyone that still has contact with those that still serve… if you know they have been to some hostile areas where they could have been traumatized, make sure you tell them that it’s best that they don’t hold it in to themselves to deal with (seek help ASAP). Tell them of my example, and that I thought I was tough enough to handle it too. If I would have said something sooner, I might have been able to rationalize things better early on, and at least still have a good working mind; employed with either military or civilian sector, than end up in my current situation- unable to hold a job in my present profession. waaa-waaa-waaa!:jerk:
Even though my hair is grown out and my face unshaven, some of the troops back at the base still recognize me and address me as “Sergeant.” That really is nice of them.
I even had a 1SGT (First Sergeant/Master Sergeant) notice me today that used to be in charge of my squadron when I was getting persecuted. He walked over to me as I was in my truck waiting for cross traffic to go by. I rolled down my window and he commented about how I look so different… as if he ‘s my fu**ing friend. I told him, “Thank you for the wonderful support you gave me.” He asked if I was serious or sarcastic. I told him I was being ‘sarcastic.’ He ‘palmed’ my forearm (as a gesture of ‘whatever’ to me), which was resting on the doors window-sill, then walked off.:angry-fla I got so pissed by that- that he had the nerve to think he could touch me in that way. My wife was there and said not to do anything, so I didn’t. Instead I just told him he’s lucky I don’t come out of this truck and … "you little bitch!!" He didn’t say anything back. My wife got pissed at me, and started telling me how much of an embarrassment I am in public when I act like this. I dropped my wife off, then went back and filed a police report against that guy for putting his hand on me. I told the MP’s that I was sarcastic towards him, but that gives him no right or authority, in my mind, to touch me in any manner and that he almost got 'medically retired' himself for doing so. The MP’s agreed, took my statement, and asked if I wanted to press charges for assault and I said, “No, just have his commander talk to him.” By the time I left there, they already had his commander on the phone… yea, I’m an asshole, but it sure did make me feel good.
I then went to the VA, since I was on a tirade of anger, and made a heavy complaint against the nurse who had me lay in a gurney that had someone else's dried blood on it. I told her and she cleaned the blood and started my IV with the same gloves she just got done wiping the blood up with. Then she left all the trash by my side in the bed with me. Another nurse came along and saw the trash and was good enough to clean it up. I know if I’m getting treated this way at the VA, then probably other poor Vets are getting the same treatment behind me, and just don’t know any better to say anything (or maybe they just don't give a shit, like I was). That night I was just too apathetic to care if they even accidentally killed me. I got some sort of jell to eat this morning, since my blood sugar was so low, and five minutes later my brain woke up some and I became mad as a hornet. I let people know exactly how I felt today that pissed me off (without resorting to physical violence), and it felt damn good! Unfortunately, that Bible quote, “Revenge is mine say`th the Lord,” really pisses me off!!! :hit-boss:

Mac, the VA is a joke. All that crap is from what I have seen. My dad, even if I don't talk to him, was a helicopter pilot or gunner (can't remember) and went down, he was a "maddog". He did his fair share of saving buddies and he was pulled from the wreckage and saved too that time. He broke his back. Did not screw him up bad enough where he could never walk again but it is screwed up. They "lost" those records and now say his back was never broken... And I would be beyond pissed at the lack of proper hygeine! Have some frigging respect for the people having to go in there, geeze.

And people don't get when you go through this getting pissed and people treat you in a disrespectful manner they are poking at a hornet's nest. Yes, it can be embarassing for some loved ones... but they love you and will get over it as they learn about the condtion and in time I am sure you will regain control. Hell, you did a wonderful great keeping it under control, you did not hurt anyone! I say you did a wonderful job even if the wife wasn't happy. When I get "upset" in public before I had total rage hit, I was the type that never took crap off anyone. I don't embarass my husband, he laughs about it. I guess he finds it humourous seeing little ole' me buck up to *anybody*. I just look back and laugh when my moods calmed. And half the time I try to figure out how I did not get my ass kicked or shot.

Sorry your day sucked so bad but sometimes getting pissed is just something you do and it does feel sooo good letting it out. And you did it in a good way.

Well, my day wasn't too bad. Kind of hit an emotional shut down, just not feeling today. Services are Wendsday and the guilt trips continue but are not even phasing me now.

Was pissed that my poles were not hanging where they should but ended up in the garage floor and someone rolled the pressure washer on them. Screwed them all up and said hell with it and went and bought me a new pole and a cheapo one for my buddy to use.

Got him past all the gun gear for us to end up in the paint gun area... we debated it but then I remembered, ass, you used to be SWAT, I am not going to have a paint ball fight with you, though it sounded like a fun challange. Let me know when you and the guys head out again and pick some gear up for me and I will just be on your team, besides with the back hurting a shot in the kidney would have hurt like a mother. He is my best friend, but it doesn't mean he would show me mercy!

Got a nice cat fish on my second cast, I wasn't trying for one yet so surprised me. Just made me feel like he was there. Only one I got today though! Figure I will just stick it in the freezer and just use it for cut bait next time. Did not stick around too long as by the time I got the new poles and got to my private spot it just got too hot. Saw a gator dump in the water on the bank opposite of us and asked if he had his gun on him, nope. Did not have mine so I was a little uneasy. I don't like the gators. Something about being potential chow doesn't sit well with me.

And I am down to a size 5, woo hoo. Had gained a bit of weight going through this and stress went the other way and started coming off again. I think simply just being too lazy to get up or out of bed to eat. I was looking for some jeans and hit teen daughter's closet and they fit nice. Tables have turned! Now I can steal her crap lol. I have not put on snug jeans in forever and actually felt good about how I looked for a change. I have been living in baggy pants and sweats ever since this crap got out of control.

Feel selfish not worring about the family today, but the break was nice, one of the best days I have had in a while. Maybe I need to sneak off and fish more often.

Glad you are taking some time for yourself Veiled. My day wasn't so bad either. The night was very long though. Must be dog-walking time as it's just starting to chuck it down with rain! Catch you later!

Veiled,
I've been seriously considering getting a tattoo for the same reason...
my boyfriend has both arms done in full-sleves (sp?)
and he also just drifts off while they are doing it, lol
(his friends hate getting tats with him, 'cause they end up feeling like wusses, haha)

Currently I am a tattoo-virgin,
but I want to get a big tat,
something that runs down along my body,
just haven't found the right one yet.

Oh, and congrats on the fishing :)

Just came back from walking the dog...
(thanks again Piglet for the inspiration to begin this daily task)
my dog finally popped his soccer ball... lol
he didn't care though, he still wanted me to toss it/kick it

silly dog, always puts me in a better mood

Aren't dogs just cool? They are the perfect listeners you know... they don't answer back!

Exactly! and even though I might be talking crazy nonsense,
my dog doesn't mind at all,
he still loves me (as long as I keep throwing that tennis ball, lol)
and besides,
he hasn't gossiped about me yet, :) hahaha


Speaking of which...
he's already dumped his leash and collar in my lap,
and he's just waiting for me to say the magic W-A-L-K word

Be back later,
gotta chill with my pooch