I hope you are feeling better soon WF! Good wishes go with you.

Hi all.

Just thought I'd tell someone that my day has been so blah.

In the middle of a major depression. I'm having a hard time dragging my ass out of bed to shower right now. I have to give a lecture on "Student Success" at our local college tomorrow, so hopefully I can pull my act together by then. (or at least for a couple of hours)

Everytime I feel lost, I've been hitting the computer and researching PTSD so don't be suprised by all the various informational posts popping up right now. It's just a way to help me deal with this.

Well, I'm off to bed. You all have a good night.

Bec

Yesterday was very long - first day of the new College year. No students yet, but loads to do. I forgot I had a careers evening to attend, so I didn't finish til 8pm. Briefly walked dog and went to bed, although the sleep didn't really come to much. I am so tired today! :sleep:

Becvan, I wish I was as disciplined as you, I get angry and self-loathing and I stray onto other sites and leak ill-will and fury at people then hate myself even more. Last week was a plane-crash of bad judgements and failure. I still can't stop crying, as all my efforts and 'knowledge' just fail and I go back to square one. I feel so lonely and I've hadf too many years of it. Everybody's got family and people and I've never had anybody and I'm just totally sick of having to keep gpoing on my own. And none of the helplines or therapists seem to get it - I've spent 35 years in total isolation and nobody has ever ever loved me and now they are not going to because I'm a mad, haggard wierdo (that's how people view me). I don't think I can make it through to next year, though I'm scared to say things like that because I know I might get banned. Even coming on this site I just get reminded all the time that everybody's got someone there and I can't stand it anymore.

Hi Purd (shortened that cause I can't pronounce it!)

Trust me, I am not disciplined!! I can freak out just as fast as the rest of you! Researching is really a way of avoiding while not avoiding.

I felt completely alone, as you do, for years and years and years. A few years ago I decided to start tackling that negative thought pattern (yes, all on my own.) And that is what it is. You are telling yourself that you are not worthy of love and that no one loves you.

We teach people how to treat us, so if you treat yourself poorly and don't love yourself to begin with, you are then teaching others around you to do the same thing.

CHALLENGE YOUR THINKING!!!! Take your brain, telling you these things and do this to it (imaginary of course) :hit-boss: and then tell it what you really are. Worthy of love, lovable, special, and not alone unless you choose to be.

You are NOT ALONE!!! You have all of us!!! I just found this place myself, and have discovered that the possiblities are endless!! Hang in there!!

Bec

I'm sorry I vomited out my usual stream of self-hatred there. Thank you, Becvan for saying that but I've had years now of doing the positive thinking thing and ending up on my own over and over again. And I don't have anyone in my hinterland to make me feel human, seeing other people with their mum/husband/ brother/ best mate/girlfriend jsuyt makes me want to kill everybody on the planet. I know I'm special but nobody wants it. Everybody's got their importan tpeople and it's never me. I know I'm supposed to do exercises and all that strategy stuff but I've been doing it for so many years and it doesn't work. I'ver earned it by now and it's not there.

Purdy, isn't this a bit of speculation or an assumption? The compliment of "I'm special" doesn't count when you have a negative comment "but nobody wants it" right behind it.

And "never" is a very absolute word. And persumputious. Purdy, you've got to think more positive. Put hope in there, and treat yourself with a little respect!

My day has been okay. The kids are cranky, and the house is a mess, but it's a nice day and I would like to go outside.

good in bed.jpg

haha, just a weak attempt at some depression humor for the day

Mine isn't so bad today, finally snapping out of it not being as pissy at everyone and getting out of bed, just to go back to doc in a couple days to do it all over again huh... tiring.

My 2 year old has been hell on wheels. Hubs said he did not mind if I took a little nap after I got home and made him and the little one a big breakfast. Only to get woken to him screaming momma momma momma at me. He had let her go to the bathroom alone as she usually does, she just calls for assistance for cleaning if she does #2. He said she was in there too long and she has blood everywhere and all over her hands. OK I freak rushing in... To find, are you ready? She had opened the cabinet next to the toilet and found momma's red nail polish (for my toes) and was sitting on the commode doing her nails LOL! I have a panic disorder, don't do that, yelling covered in blood! I put it all up for her just to sneak in and do it all over a few hours later after lunch, grrr.... She did it as neatly as any 2 yo could. Cracked me up that she was in there long enough to use my base coat too. I have not done my nails in forever so she was mimicing her teen sis. She has been in everything, climbing out windows, and has thrown at me or her dad anything she could get her little paws on. Last potty trip she threw a fit and did that "go limp" thing they do and I had to drag her in the living area with dad before I went to get the other kids. I left her in the floor in front of him and an hour later I get back, she is passed out where I left her covered in nail polish and her britches still around her ankles. She is ASLEEP and still, I am not touching her! He did tell me again he did have a new found appreciation being a stay home mother and I do do a lot!

I think the weather has to do with me being in a better mood. Overcast and rainy. Not near as hot as it has been so we have not been sweltering in heat all day.

I do need to crown my teens, they have pissed me off and have it coming... But I just am too damn worn out from the 2 year old to do it. Why do teens have to act like teens?????????

Hello again,

Feeling a bit better than I did above. I feel very self-conscious when I offload that sort of stuff, usually I just stew in my head, trying to avoid some form of self-abuse. :dummy-spi

I went swimming and sobbed the whole time, came back, phoned a helpline for ages, had some food and wine (just the one glass). Now I'm exhausted and frail. I'm not suicidal but I wish I'd never been born. I just want to stop and be another person but I can't.

I know all the things I should think about positive thinking and all that, but I get so overwhelmed there isn't anything else in the world when my head gets like that. There's no evidence to the contrary. Now at my age I physically can't bear being within sight of families and couples. I've just had enough of it and my tolerance has worn out. Everyone and everywhere are people who have someone, or know what it's like to have had someone. I've done all the things you are supposed to do, I've been a model student and taken all the advice and I'm still totally alone. It's like a raw open wound that keeps festering and I can't make it go away. And it's going to get worse because more and more of my trauma is coming to the surface and there's no-one there with any love.

I'll be alright another day.