Boo, hope it helps to just let ya know I am doing it too so you are not alone. You are going to do great and make it! If my goofy ass can do this I know you can! The headaches, nausea, every muscle in my neck and shoulders knotted with pains under my shoulder blades. Dizzy dizzy. Crabby as all get out. And please lord the hot flashes, just make it stop. I almost hit a car today so I may not drive tomorrow. My eyes were fuzzy and my vision was just not clear as usual. I had turned off the radio because I could not handle the rebroadcasts of the calls of this day 5 years ago. I was trying to watch traffic getting out on the hi way to go get the kids from town. Heavy today. But I thought a truck was on an inside lane and he wasn't, thankfully I stopped short when I saw headlights coming from the inside lane around him and realized he wasn't over there! Shook me up but I don't think I need to drive during withdrawals, the stress off the radio probably contributed. I just get so many rebound "mini panic attacks" coming off.

I hope you feel better soon boo. I am going to try and cut as much as I safely can as long as hubs is off work, just makes it easier for me having help at home with the baby. She whooped both of us today, we needed another player on our team. She wore herself out so hard she passed out at the dinner table. That was a first!

No TV on here tonight either. Cannot do it. The family watched flight 93 and it made me have an attack recently. Just to much horror. God bless the victims and survivors, the heros on that flight and all the other heros that day.

Yeah, 9/11 was all over today. Was thinking of all of you affected by it. Hope you are all alright.

Today was okay. I am very sick and can't sleep. How I'm managing not to be cranky is beyond me. Judo started today. I was so disappointed to not be on the mat with all the kids. My sensei told me I'd better quit smoking! LOL, he's right and I know it. The kids had a great time and I had a lot of fun watching them. We have class on thursday but I doubt I'll be able to start until next week. *sighs*

Bec

Welcome back, WF!

Congrats on the opening; I'll be rooting for you!

Oh, btw...if I were closer I'd come over and help you clean!

Take it easy...

Kim

What a day. Got a psych report through today. It is needed to deal with employment issues - see ptsd affected forum for more info on that! I had to read it through to check that I was ok with the contents.

I was expecting the e-mail to come, but it didn't arrive til 3.30pm. You can imagine what level my anxiety was by then :crazy-eye I had been checking my mail virtually every 5 minutes since 7am (yes I know it's not likely my psych doc is at work at that time).

When I first read the report, bits like "complicated traumatization," "severe PTSD" and "long term treatment" jumped out at me. It was hard seeing this written down in black and white. No longer do I "maybe have PTSD". Pretty much stopped denial in it's tracks. Bugger!

Apart from that, the report was very helpful for my work issues. Feeling much less anxious now I've got the report. Just have to wait for Occupational Health to relay the info to my employer.

So I have to grow up and be a big girl now. Maybe...

Grow up?? Nah..... what fun would that be?

Glad to hear you got the report, Piglet. It must take a load off your shoulders. However, if you're like me (which I think you are, from what I can tell), the waiting will be just as stressful...

Hang in there. Like the Virginia Slims ads used to say, "You've come a long way, Baby!"

Spent last night throwing up and praying that was the only end. Sick as a dog coming off the meds... All day in bed with an occasional jolt from the baby escaping dad to jump in the middle of my stomach. Jittery and feeling like a frigging junkie who needs a fix. I cannot stand this shit, I feel like I druggie. Cutting another .25 tonight to get me to the 2 mg point. Hubby is learning to drive with the boot on his leg running the kids around. He will have to drive me to the next doc appointment Thursday and himself Friday to his. I doubt he will get clearance to go back to work Friday. But at least he is mainly off the crutches now. My guess he may get told to give it another week off as it hurts him pretty well still. I hate seeing a look of dispair on his face, when I come off the meds he asks a hundred times what can he do? Give me a wash cloth and just watch the thrill ride called withdrawal. I know he wants to fix it, but it is just a fact of life once you get on this shit you have to come off and it ain't no fun in any form. Sprite and Ensure looks like my diet for awhile again now.

This afternoon at 5PM several people showed up here to help me clean!!!!!! I still have to straighten the shelves in my room....and put some things away.....so there should be no problem in passing the inspection!!!...this place really looks GOOD!!!!.....My friend will come over tomorrow to clean out fridge.....:frown: Found out this evening that my mom is in the hospital.....I am not happy about that....seems she fell in a park on a nature trail and couldn't get up without aid and was shaky when trying to walk after a couple of people helped her to get up....then the next day my father found her laying near her bed on the floor and took her to the hospital...why the ass didn't take her the day before...I don't know!!!! I have come to terms with my mom about her role in my abuse somewhere along my journey....When she kicked me out of the house when I was 20....it was the best thing should could have done for me...That got me away from my father as he was still sexually..physically & mentally abusing me....:angry-fla So I shall have to wait and see what is going on....Since the people cleaned my apt. I am able to keep in touch with all of you:tongue: That makes me happy too!!!!....Tomorrow I will try to post another poem....I wrote 4 while in the hospital....oh...my inspection is Thursday morning...not Friday....If I pass I'll get the keys to the new place by the end of the week....YEAH!!!!!....wildfirewildone....KEEPING THE PEACE

Great news wildfire, that your move is in progress, which means your home environment will now hopefully become stable, which means your therapists can get cracking on you with trauma therapy and step up the intensity... Really good stuff wildfire... and progress is already starting to come through from you. You just sound more relaxed in your writing, which is great.

Veiled... geez... you take care of you hey... I hate seeing people go through this crap, as it affects us all in different ways, the sickness not so good.

Piglet... great stuff. I am happy that your sitting up and taking notice more, because I think you needed it. You have issues that need to be resolved, and your working towards them, though still so many other problems hindering you at the same time. Hopefully once the employment nonsense calms, you can get back to spending more time on you, relaxing and working through your issues.

I will be getting the keys for my new place Monday AM!!!! Then it's movin' time!!!! :biggrin: As you all could surmize....I passed my inspection this AM!!!!!...I feel like dancing in the streets!!!!....My son may be able to come up next Sat. to help....I am having a hard time finding boxes though!!!! I gotta get with this!!!!! I am feeling scared sometimes...natural I think....new place...new town...new life....The first thing I'm going to do after I get unpacked is to seek out the pottery co-op!! Ever since I came home from California...I've been trying to find a place to do clay sculpting [needed to have a kiln there too] The new place is sooo quiet!!! That's one of the best parts!!!!! Talk at you later!!!...wildfirewildone :tongue:....KEEPING AND CREATING THE PEACE

Hello everyone. I must admit I'm having a great deal of trouble reading about people's family life and spouses. It's like having acid thrown in my face at the moment (not blaming people at all, that's just how it feels.) I have been dragged further and further into depressiopn, like a strong undertow that pulls you under even when the sea is calm on the surface. I've had more and more sleepless nights tormented by visionless nightmeres, more outbursts at people that are like an unspoken wickedness trying to regurgitate itself. I've had days when I've just worked at forcing myself not to cut my arms, and the suicidal feelings are becoming normal. I do all the tricks and strategies but I just get 'family family family' thrown back in my face.

So I saw the psychiatrist today and the cold glazed bitch announced there was nothing wrong with me and I should come off the drug I'm on, (carbamazapamepazepine (sp?) and she can't really be bothered with it all now and I should just go and harrass my GP instead. The only answer she had was to take olanzipine tablets which knock me out for 24 hours every time I take the minimum dose. So she reckons I should just go back to being a zombie, three years after I escaped from seroxat hell. I told her (again) I don't have any carers, I am completely isolated, but she just washed her hands of me.

I hate our mental health service. I hate psychiatry. It is brutal and inhumane. I can't bear the pain anymore, and the rage attacks and murderous fantasies and screaming fits. I just want what most people take for granted. I considered the exposure therapy but I think it might drive me completely mad. I can't try any harder than I have, for so long. I've had enough. I'm sick of being on my own.

I know you will all say I'm not on my own, but I am. 35 years is too much to be waiting for someone to love me.