My day... Would it make sense to say I really don't know how I am today? I am trying to get in touch with my feelings. It is hard. I have had nonsense go through my head all day. Well, the part I was awake any way. Like when reading about the spouse forum I wondered who has it worse? Husbands or wives of PTSDers. Like guys with PTSD have testoterone flowing and a natrual higher aggresion than women, but women have things like menopause and PMS... which is a more volitile combo with PTSD? Should I even be putting my two cents in there? Yeah, my head has been up my ass today.
Aside from that a lot of dizzy spells, nausea, muscle spasms and cramps, and headaches. A couple panic attacks that scared me thinking they were getting away from me. Had to remind myself as withdrawals are going it is going to happen and I am fine.
Got news from doc hubs is cleared for return to work. I cannot believe it has been 4 weeks off. The first few weeks I stopped cutting meds and I thought I would kill people and found with a balls to the wall situation I could do things again not going through withdrawals, though pushed to hard and fast into it. Spending a week now cutting my meds pretty quick for me and paying for it as hubs could get around better.
My teen boy broke his toe kicking the mower. Lesson, do NOT kick objects bigger and heavier than you. His little toe so nothing they can do except tape it to the one next to it. In the 2 year olds words... dumbass.
After reading the spouse forum a little and my threapy yesterday geared more to my relationship with hubs in attendence it was geared still towards reenforcing I am not in harms way. Also, to work towards finding the underlying emotions at the time and address those instead of blowing a fuse. Ehhh, working on it. Identified one. Jealousy. The why the hell does everone else around me get to be normal and can function and all I can do right now with withdrawals is lay around and puke and when I feel half assed type? Why can't I say these things to my husband? I know why... I don't want to feel like I am bitching all the time because that is exactly how it would come out. I don't want to whine. Well, I am now aren't I?
I thought the least I could do is when my husband was getting ready to go get water bottles filled was take empty containers to the door. Just getting up and bending over to pick up the empty bottles gave me horrible muscle spasms in my back, I made a painful sound and my toddler says I think you need to go lay in bed. Pissed I could barely pick up an empty bottle. I am trying hard not to be. And I was thinking of doc and the spouse section about then because I felt pissed off. So instead I got the bottles to the door. I was on the front porch before hubs came up on the porch and put my arms around him and told him I am sorry I am in this shape and I know you do a lot to try and help me. I said I may not show or say I appreciate all you do but I do. He hugged me and held me for a minute and said he knows I do. He seemed like he needed that after I did it. I did not think I was that bad at showing affection but I guess I am. He came back with cookies and cream and triple chocolate ice cream ha ha.
I looked in the mirror and I swear the face I see is just not me. These circles, the bags, the pale washed out face. I have dark hair and eyes so the paleness just seemed amplified, I am normally a darker color, often mistaken as Hispanic like my oldest son. We are the only ones in the house like that, everyone else blonde and blue eyed. The uncombed hair and no shower and it is the middle of the afternoon. I will at least get off my ass and go brush my teeth when I finish typing this, that is just too much self neglect! I am trying to come to terms with how when I self medicated I seemed to get by, I felt better? I did not look like this and I got things done? Now that I stopped and was being medicated and stopped that too to address the issues and learn to deal with them I have turned into this woman I do not recognize in the mirror who doesn't seem to get jack shit done? Why do I feel like I do not even know myself anymore?
I won't cut anymore meds until next Friday morning so I can be back in shape to drive by Monday. I feel very unsafe with the dizzy spells and behind the wheel. Back to my routine. But it isn't my routine anymore. I cannot stand things changing. I was driven mad with him here and now I think I will go mad with him back at work. I loved the line he shot at me yesterday. My 2 yo got the powder and decided to decorate the house with it. He took it and she was bawling. My head was pounding, I did not care if the whole house was a dusty white, my head hurt too bad for the temper tantrum. I gave her the powder back, he pops off hey, you don't have to clean that shit up, I do! HA! Welcome to my world darlin'! The two year old and I made short work of giving him a full coating of white after that remark even with the headache. He just plopped on the couch in an "I give up fashion" He was experiencing the mom in him right about then I think. At least he is going back to work with a new found appreciation of how hard it is to be a stay home mom, it takes talent to make it look easy. He said he does not know how I get it done and go through what I do. That little bit of recognition helped. When you have toddlers to teens in the home it is a nightmare at times with out the added fun of this crap. Speaking of which one of the teens (I am guessing girl it seems more her MO) filled a huge mixing bowl full of catfood and put it in the kitchen floor. Baby got out of bed and I did not wake, hubs was dropping off kids at school. He came home bitching about it as he saw the filled bowl when he left, I was up by then and I said you think that is the problem go look in the damn kitchen. The baby had taken it and I have catfood spread all over my floor, then since some of the cats made their way to my bed she poured the bowl in my bed and floor too. I have catfood on half of the downstairs floors. WE DO NOT EVEN FEED THEM IN THE HOUSE!!!
So whoever's bright idea that was I have saved the mess for to clean up...
I have to go see my shrink Wendsday (shudder) thank God I have therapy the next day after that. Doc wants me to get the book feeling good by David Burns. I guess I will order it and try to read it when I cannot sleep.
I guess when my daughter gets home I will try to find the emotions that are really pissing me off with her. She does a spectacular job at it so I should get plenty of tries. Apparently me just saying I get pissed because she is a dip shit isn't enough. But she is! She used all my damn nail polish remover and put water back in the bottle. I had painted my nails with my 2 yo like the baby wanted and the paint was chipped and looked like hell. I get my bottle to take it off before docs appointment yesterday and I am baffled why it won't come off and look at the cotton ball and it is still white. I sniff and no odor in the bottle. Now why in the hell? It is what 50 cents????? Just frigging tell me it ran out... That IMO is being a dip shit. I am fed up with her passive aggressive ways as it just makes me out right aggresive. I was running late and had to go there with my nails looking like shit. It would not be so noticable or as big a deal if it had not been red polish.
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I know that those tasks are IMPORTANT to attend to BEFORE I even consider doing more packing....still feel like bawling!!! HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!!!! I will call 2 friends and see if they can help me pack....I also have thoughts of doing this
....seems like that would be a great stress reliever via a viable distraction....those thoughts are coming out due to the stressors I'm experiencing....well....I will go and do my art now....wildfirewildone... KEEPING THE PEACE....
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