Purdy.....I forgot you were in England...sorry....I guess that's the problem with socialized medicine!!!...In a PHP program years ago....the nurse-therapist would often tell me "To be gentle to myself"...It's really okay to disappear for a few days....we all have lives....so please don't beat yourself up about it!!! :crazy-eye When my PTSD symptoms are running amok...I disappear for a few days....I will probably disappear this weekend as I will be moving to another town....I already LOVE it there...when I rolled into my bedroom yesterday....I could hear birds singing...that never happens here!!!!....Then I looked out one of my bedroom windows...and across a small lawn there were lots of trees with birds in them!!!! I am near Oberlin College and so there's lots to do for FREE!!!!!....Can't wait until my first night sleeping there!!!!! ......wildfirewildone
................KEEPING THE PEACE

Purdy, a cyber hug your way. I know it can't be like the real thing, but just remember we have a saying out here, everything is bigger in Texas, so you got yourself a Texas sized hug.

Anthony, have fun riding the motorcycles! I used to do a little riding but those days are long past and now I could never see myself doing that again. But it sounds heavenly, be careful. You need a break doing so much here and at home. And stock up on the sleep while you still can before that little one gets here!

My day kind of sucked and I am no sure what to think of it. I had gone two nights of no sleep until 5 AM to get up a hour or two later and last night I got to sleep earlier but it was still 3 AM... I was visited today by my ex I forgave that helps me out a lot. He mowed my backyard down and my over grown neglected veggie garden, I can go plant some lettuce soon now and other fall things if I want. I just dont want to. Found some cucmbers surprisingly.

He insisted on taking me and the baby out to lunch but I was so tired. Agreed to pick up at one of my favorite places since I was not up to cooking for the little one or myself. Went by his house since we went into that town and that was it, I collapsed, I had a full belly of a food I love and no sleep practically at all for 3 days. I had the appointment today too. I woke up about 10 minutes before he was going to wake me and he was watching the little one for me. I just shot up after a hour of sleep in panic, bumping into walls and so disoriented... Took about 1/2 an hour to get my bearings.

I got home and got ready for doc, he took the baby for me and picked up the others from school for me to pick up this evening after doctor's appointment. Hubby came home from work to take me.

The shrink wants me to slow down and take it easy, stressing not a race. She was surprised I was able to come down the xanax like I planned and even a bit ahead of where we had planned. I said I am hard headed, she said I guess so.

She wasn't pushy like usual and agreed with hubby I was not as well as I could be and I may be taking things to fast and hard. She wants me to go ahead and keep tapering the xanax but to stop at 1.5 mg. She said she wants me to maintain at 1.5 and not go off like I was trying to do. I guess she did not think I would really have made it this far. She also upped the Zoloft. Wrong way but she said right now as I am in therapy to take it. I guess the way it was described kind of a buffer for therapy so I am not suffering too much and try to ease depression and the sort from it.

I feel like a failure taking it but hubby says I am not, just human. To accept I need it for now and I won't be on it for ever. He said it may help me sort through therapy and I will get to get off when I have a firmer grip and she agreed. She said I wasn't even on enough yet to effect me. So I go up to 75 mg for a week and then 100 after that. Go back in a month and a half to see where I am at that point. I am too tired to fight it, just take my dope like a good girl and do what I am told... F*** I hate this shit! I don't really know what makes sence to me right now.

I just read your post...when I saw at the end that your post was your edit reason........because I can You may not have intended to be funny....but I am enjoying a good laugh!!! I need that today!!! ...because I can... wildfirewildone.......KEEPING THE PEACE & AND LAUGHING

:crazy-eye I sure can see what you mean.....I already dropped the journaling as I didn't want to uncork anything that would add to the stress of moving...I may not even move this weekend....all depends what will be better for my son [4 hours away] I got a message from my manager that the new place manager said I could have 2 more weeks to move....a little more stressful for me...but I have 2 appts next week and could get my eyes checked too before the move which would save me gas....I will have to see what my son says...I have already stopped the phone here and gotton my new phone number down there....still have not stopped my mail here either....it would be no problem to keep my phone here and change that....wildfirewildone....KEEPING THE PEACE

Well...everything's GO for my moving!!! I thought that that might change....however my son has made all the arrangements ....so tomorrow afternoon he comes up to help pack then Sat. afternoon I get MOVED!!!!! I just can't wait until I wake up Sun. morning and hear the the birds singing!!!! All the crap going on around here is even more crazy...I just keep telling myself...only so many days and I'll be gone!!! Sure I feel a bit scared.....because so many things will be different for me....Learning a new city...getting to meet new people....apt. layout...where to grocery shop...but they all lead to a better life and a much safer environment!!!! Also there's so much to do in Oberlin....it'll be fun finding the entertainment!!! I also am looking forward to getting involved in some social issues with the college students!! It will be so exciting exploring to learn about what I need to know to get along...The town is an oyster ready for me to discover!!! :crazy-eye .....talk at every one in a couple of days when the move is over... wildfirewildone....KEEPING THE PEACE AND ENJOYING IT!!!!!

Better day here. Getting out of the hole. Girls driving me insane, but the weekend is approaching. I hoping for a nice bath and maybe a good book.

I am glad you got a laugh. I guess I have to laugh at it too, I was a bit pissy wasn't I last night! But I also laugh when I think about a hamburger my ex gave me that I threw across the room years ago because they forgot to put cheese on it. (before I knew what PTSD was or that I had it) or mowing cell phones and the sort. At least this last phone I ran over was an accident.

I am very happy for you and your move, you convey so much excitement and that is great how involved you are ready to be! I say get a bird feeder for your window sill if you can.

I saw my regular therapist and he seemed to be on the same page as I am about the xanax, I can do this without. He could not contradict her advice to stay on it, and I told him I got that but I wanted to know if he personally thinks I could do this without the xanax? I just wanted his personal opinion since he sees me all the time. He said I was a very tenacious woman and was very impressed as he has a hell of a time getting people off of it, and yes he thought I could and would probably benefit more in therapy without it. But the zoloft... I guess I am not coming across or doing as well as far as depression goes as I hoped. He agreed with the upped dose. He is not an advocate for medications but sees sometimes they are needed and right now I guess I am in that catagory. I can come off further in treatment, just not now. So that in it self is a bit of a downer for me.

He seemed surprised she did not prescribe sleeping pills, but I doubt I would have taken any even if she did. I mean Zoloft, Xanax, and sleeping pills just does not seem like a bright idea IMO to combine. But I went and bought a Mozart CD (love him) since I could not locate a celtic CD I have replaced 3 times wearing it out. Very relaxing one I played during my last childs birth at home to ease me. E bay here I come... I also got some type of music CDs in new age by some doctor claiming to stimulate delta waves 15 yrs research for it yada yada... To help me sleep and one for stimulating Alpha waves for relaxing during the day. We will see if it is bogus or not. And picked up the book Feeling Good by David Burns, it wasn't the handbook but the normal one and since there I said screw it and got the handbook with exercises in it, figure why not? Doc said he wants me to read it and it looks like it may be promising, will let ya'll know if it one to run out and buy ha ha.

Then went out to eat with hubby alone... ummm in years maybe? So between the drive, 2 doc appointments 2 days in a row, book store, and an eatery I am a flipping wreck... Not to mention some tattooed guy showing up at my door today. Not that I have a thing against tats, I have plenty hidden, but he was scary looking, took an hour to calm and never answered the door. I am getting a vulger no soliciting sign and maybe the beware sign like on here, I have seen them before. I told hubs I need to be further in treatment to handle stranges showing up on my step, that was one of the points of moving to the country after all, being away from people.

And my husband is a turd. A good one though. He told me on the way to the doc I was perfect. I look baffeled and why I ask? Because I am frigging nuts enough to have to see a shrink one day and another head doc the next and be medicated? Sounds really perfect. He said it is like this, all women are crazy, but you are seeking help... He promptly got nailed in the arm and he laughed with an I love you. Turd.

I guess that is how he gets by, he has a sense of humor with even the worst crap. I wish I had his outlook, I am lucky to have him, he agrees...

Twenty four hours from now I'll be starting to move...my son is on the way up....should be here soon!!!! I may be on later tonight....then I'll be off til Sunday night....as it looks right now....wildfirewildone...KEEPING THE PEACE AND CREATING IT

OMG Veiled, I can SO relate to the thing about people showing up at the door. If the doorbell rings, I literally freeze. It drives my husband nuts.

After reading your post, though, I think I know why I react this way. Ever since I moved out of my parents' house, I have feared my brother showing up on my doorstep. Doesn't really matter why he would be there, just that he would. I don't trust myself enough to know how I would handle that. Would I slam the door in his face and then call the police? Or would I attack him in hopes of venting on him enough to get it out of my system? I've always said that if I had a gun and ever saw him again he would end up dead.

So when the doorbell rings (it happens so infrequently), I freeze because subconsciously I guess I am afraid that it might be him.

Geez, this sucks....I don't even want to go back there, to those memories...but now I am...:angry-fla

:die: Thanks f*cking asshole brother of mine!!:angry-fla :angry-fla

I can't join in this forum anymore. The constant references to family and spouses and children as if they are a normal part of ordinary life make me want to commit mass murder. I don't understand why people don't pressurise governments to bring in compulsory abortion, I think bringing unwanted babies that you just want to torture and **** is the most evil thing that anyone can do, and most people support it because manufacturing babies and marrying people and pretending that families are 'normal' or 'natural' is the prevailing convention, even on sites that are supposed to be for people who have been subject to evil and know the truth about human nature. I came on this site trying to feel like I was 'normal' but it's just reinforced how much of an evil freak I really am. If people have 'trauma' and are surrounded by people who think they are great and lovely, where are people like me supposed to go? All the support sites and helplines take it for granted that everyone has people that love them and want to care about them. It just proves that I should have been killed long ago. Why doesn't anyone anywhere provide support for children who are in genuine need? And why do they blame adults who have nowhere to go but places where it is the norm that people have people that love and care for them?