With all the drugs out there for every concievable ailment, how come there is no drug for the lack of motivation? I'm just a bit overwhelmed at the moment and it's only because I let things get this far. I'm a pro and procrastination and this is where it gets me: frustrated.

Other than that, I'm doing well. My sleep pattern is off a bit this week and I'm looking for more work. We'll see what happens. (I think I might be a bit stressed about this.....but I think I'm ready.)

I feel kind of low....still struggling to have that feeling of belonging to a group of people....Everything is moving so slow!!!! I just want to curl up in a fetal position in bed and bawl my eyes out!!!! :frown: I don't know where this is all coming from....I go out everyday...not isolating....I feel like I have to dig up to reach bottom....I went to mass today at 5pm....at a new parish here in town....I do not understand why I am doubting myself and my ability to be involved and to be a part of a group with similiar interests....I can go and have my cat..Hayley...blessed at church as part of the St. Francis saint day... She's been having some sort of breathing difficulties....I hope it's not a harbinger of something serious....I am just sitting here feeling afraid....and rather useless....I wish I could disassociate for a week and then figure out what's going on....:dont-know Maybe it's because my therapist is moving to another office and he won't have his own office as he'll be using someone else's....How the hell am I supposed to get comfortable under these circumstances????? And I was planning on starting to do work on my trauma...I'll just be an alien all over again...Maybe I've just had enough changes with the move....and I'm still unpacking...:brrr: I was cold today when I went out...still haven't found the clear box that has my sweaters in it....Just GREAT!!!....trying to find stuff is really sucky!!! I still haven't found the pots and pans either!!! Life's a BITCH!!!!!!

I am on day eight of not sleeping , i final ate some food today. However last night i started throwing up , until nothing was left. I have decided to stop taking my drugs due to the fact its been making sick. I see the doctor on monday but i have the worst headache ever. The whole thing is becoming over whelming once again. I seemed to be getting better but i feel as if i'm sliding down hill agian. Life sucks .....Sorry to vent but who is listening anyways???????

you'll find, motor, that a lot of people are listening. sounds like your on the right track to check your meds. i have been there with not sleeping. right now, i am sleeping about half as much as i should, but i'll take it! tell your dr. about the sicky and the headache, and the sleep issue. he can help.

Sounds like your having a rough trot.........to say the very least. Hopefully the doctor can sort it out for you. As for listening, many of us are online at various times but there is always someone who cares enough to listen or who understands. Sometimes it just takes them a while to post - after all the large proportion of people on this forum have PTSD!

MJ, lots of people are most certainly listening mate, trust me, I have the stats for the board. MJ, I have more a suspicion that your unwell because your trauma has overwhelmed you, not so much the medications, especially if you have been taking the meds for some time now... the meds should not be the cause. You are highly distressed at the moment, and let me be honest with you, I am not an avid support of prescription medication, however; I am sensible enough to know that people do need it initially to ensure they gain a little control allowing them to heal. Natural alternatives exist, so you could also look up your local naturopath / homeopath and consult with them. Natural alternatives generally don't have all the side effects, nor do they have the withdrawal aspects.

MJ, you can fight through this shit, have no doubt.... but it does take a little time with hard work to get past this initial hardship. You have the mental strength from your training, so hang in there.

Wildfire.... I have no doubt at all you are actually a little more anxious at present because of your move, that is very normal. You are now in a new environment, though whilst refreshing from your old one, you still have unfamiliar surroundings, location, people, etc etc.... all of which cause increased anxiety. Manage the anxiety and take it slow.

Wildfire, I can see that much off your anxiety is actually stemmed from your over-thinking the future and events within your life. This is a characteristic trait within PTSD. You are thinking about how your going to be within your therapists new office, you are causing yourself anxiety because of this, though you haven't been there yet to actually find out for yourself. We can tell ourselves a lot of things, think for others, make assumptions, and at the end of the day, we are the ones who end up sick because off our own ways. What you need to look at here is your thinking styles. I think if you study the unhelpful thinking styles thread a bit more, you will see reason to what you are doing and the extra distress you are bringing upon yourself each day.

We with PTSD cannot afford to overgeneralise, we cannot predict, we cannot afford to make assumptions, and the list is long as within that thread. We could sit here and say "what ifs" all day, stress ourselves and create ourselves anxiety, but at the end of it all, often we have created ourselves more pain that we ever needed. Training our brains to remember negative vs. positive thinking styles is a little challenging, but not as difficult as some aspects in relation to healing PTSD.

Give it a shot, and see how you go. Another good method is for every negative you write, or think, you have to then write, or think, two positives. This helps train our brains into logical thinking once again, thus helps us to differentiate between realism and fantasy.

I'm having a really good day, still in a quiet and reflective mood; but it really seems peaceful to me. I was quite upset yesterday when I found out that after waiting 7 months for my Social Security Disability backpay, it was such a paltry amount! I'll never understand our Social Security system; I guess I'm thankful that I at least have a steady monthly income from them.

Anyway, I can only control what I can control (so hard for a type-A personality to admit LOL!)

Warren and I are on the road right now as I write (he's driving, not me!).

Went on a trip to the town where my parents grew up and my relatives live. Was anxious about going, but we had to pick up something for the RV there. The whole time going down, Warren asked me if I was going to call anyone (relatives) to tell them I was in town. He also wanted to take me to the cemetery where my parents are buried. Me...I am thinking, I don't want anyone to know I am here, because then they'll tell my brother where I'm at and then he'll find me and come knocking on my door.

Well, I finally decided it was a silly thing to be afraid of, so I looked up the phone number of my favorite aunt and uncle, which was no easy feat - it took me almost 20 minutes searching various online sites - but I found them.

Warren called them for me and spoke to them, letting them know I was okay and all, telling them that I was going through some rough times and he even asked them not to tell my brother anything about the conversation. He told them I have issues with some things my brother did to me as I was growing up (as far as I know, they don't know anything about what happened to me as a kid). Funny thing is, my uncle assured him that he wouldn't tell him and even went so far as to say that my brother was crazy! Coming from him, that was a big thing - he's a Baptist preacher from the deep South.

He found out the name of the cemetery and I looked it up online (thank goodness for the internet!) and we went by. It was a very emotional visit, as the last time I was there I was burying my mother. If she wasn't buried right next to my father, I think I probably would've kicked her gravestone or something.

Anyways, it was very good for me to go there. Yes, I cried, but it was a good cry. Yes, I was angry to see her name again, but I also saw my dad's name, so that was good. And, I got some questions answered, namely which ones of my mother's family (my aunts and uncles) were still living and which ones weren't. It's been 14 years since I've seen any of them, so I wasn't sure which ones I'd find. But, now I know and it's a great relief to me. Kinda like the saying about the truth setting us free.

Now we're on our way back home, driving the RV up the interstate. Another 8 hours of driving and we'll be home!

KimG, I'm so glad your trip went well :)

I just came back from visiting my parents.
A long 5 1/2 hour drive (each way!)

My parents were suprised to see me (left spur of the moment... forgot to call them before I left, oooops)
Had a great dinner at a fancy restaruant (curtosy of mom and dad), and even indulged in a couple of drinks.
Of course being on medication, those drinks hit me harder than normal.

Unfortunatly... just as my parents were paying the bill, I noticed an old "enemy" sitting at the table next to us.
I've never started anything with her, but she's tried to set me up to get beaten by her older sister on numerous occasions.

So after 3 years of taking shit and never doing anything... always being the "better person"... as my mom says.
I just couldn't handle it... I went from chatting with my dad, to an angry rage in 0.5 seconds.
And started yelling out some pretty nasty things at her... if my dad hadn't of been sitting closest to her, I would have grabbed her by the hair and dragged her outside.

Thankfully, dad and boyfriend manage to convince me to go outside before I caused a scene.
I sat on the back bumper of my parent's vehicles, shaking with rage and smoking, waiting for my mom and dad to appear.
My boyfriend had to stop me from going back in there to tell that chick to get her little ass outside. :boxem:

So, I managed to ruin a nice dinner, how great is that, lol
Oh well, I blamed it on the meds,
Sometimes being the better person is just to frusterating, I'm tired of letting people walk over me.

Hugs to you KimG, you have bravely tackled one of the largest fears of your past. Now that you've faced it and named it, you've have stripped it of it's power over you. That's Blessing number 1.

Blessing #2 - seeing relatives now as an adults vs. as a child. I also had this experience with an Uncle and was so relieved to find out that he knew all about the horrible relationship I had with my father. He even expressed his guilt to me saying that at the time he was just a young newlywed and didn't know what to do to help me; he's lived silently with that pain all these years too! So what a Blessing to know that your family doesn't think you are nuts (actually that your brother IS) and that not only did they help you heal, but your reemergence in their lives touched them and has helped heal a part of their past as well. Every positive step you take in your personal journey will touch the lives of many others - most of whom you will never even know about!

Blessing #3 - going to the cemetary and shedding tears. As painful as it must have been, those were tears of grief and anger from long ago that were never shed. Think of them like ahshes, as they fell down your cheeks didn't you wipe them away? You wiped away those old ashes of emotions that have burned themsouves out. You are now free of them. Your "emotional closet" has been cleaned out a lot; now you have room in there for beautiful things.

Blessing #4 - your darling Warren. He not only physically "did the driving" but metaphorically did so as well. He bravely went with you on this journey, helped you do some of the leg work to track down people and places. What a wonderful gift he gave you from his heart. But don't forget that you gave him a gift as well: you allowed him to help you. He was finally able to help you and be there for you instead of sitting by helplessly as you have nightmares, mood swings and the like. You two have cemented your bond to eachother a little more solidly and hand in hand have taken a huge step forward putting the past that much farther behind you!