fixed my laptop, but now the wireless internet isn't working on it... grrr
I'm so stressed
now that I think of it... I completely forgot my meds today, frig!

This acupuncture is looking like something I should look into

I've been looking for part time work. I finally got a response but either I got cold feet or I'm really picky because I just don't feel like jumping in just yet. I feel so trapped. So, instead, I'm looking at maybe starting my own business. Who knows where this will lead to. Other than that, I'd doing ok. I'm feeling good so I tend to forget my meds. The girls are keeping me busy and Halloween is just around the corner.

Tension and discomfort and tiredness. I think I'll get some sleep....as I have a bad head cold starting. Daughter finished her last day of speech eval. testing and son wants me to read less and spend more time with him. .....I think I'll spend tommorrow in bed while the children are at school.

Today pretty much sucked. Really really tired. And I feel like I am going to throw up. I have to go to work in a bit which sucks. But at least it is my Friday so that makes it a little better.

There are times when I think that working is a good thing. Helps to keep my mind on other stuff. But there are also times (and this seems to be the case lately) that it just kills me. It takes every amount of strength I have just to get through the day (night, whatever). And I spend my night fending off customers who ask "are you ok" and "what's wrong". Really I just want to scream at them (not that it is their fault, I mean, I work in a convenience store).

I don't often feel like that but it seem like it is getting more and more so. Probably because I seem to be getting less and less sleep so I am crankier and my nerves feel like they are going to come out of my skin.

On the upside I can feel. There was a time when that would not have been considered a good thing. And I am working on some meditaton exercises that will probably help with my sleeping.

We have made the decision to put little one in day care part time in December whe she turns 3. There are just not too many breaks. When she naps I find it almost impossible not to do it too. She is wearing me out on top of this. I was against it but now I am thinking it may be good for her to go have some fun away from me and give me a chance to be alone. Since the other 3 are in school I will have a break... until summer any way. I mean it is to the point if I get a muscle spasm or am rubbing my head or shaking she is saying mommy need her medicine or a nap? She could use the break from me.

When it rains it pours. I have discovered a new trigger. Well, not new. I have denied it being one and am coming around to accepting it for what it is and will be hitting hard core in threapy how to work around it. My teen girl. Hubs says most of what she does is annoying as all hell and she can be as mean as a rattle snake. So that part is not in my head, she does know how to push every person's buttons in the house. But the reactions I get inside of me are just brutal tearing me up and sending panic attacks trying to come on. I am running around feeling like a bad mom. Just need to learn to calm my insides so I am not shaking and angry and upset. She looks exactly like her father (her bro doesn't) , the most evil man alive, and with her attitude of I am a teen want to see how big an ass I can be... It is just like him. Her dirty looks she shoots me, I see him. She screams irrational BS at me I hear him... So very touchy tricky. Never realized until now that man acted like a bratty teen girl, just a lot bigger. See if the good doc has some ways to help get me through this. Also, told hubs to please point it out if I am over reacting. He told me most of the time with her you are not, but will point it out. Yet, another reason I want to smack the living shit out of the teens' father.

I hope this week calms for me, it just seems like it is snowballing on me. found out 13 yo niece was raped by 30 yo, evil ex shows at my home, my mother has gone into denial over shit that has been confirmed, now coming to terms with a very awkward and complex trigger of symptoms. And this all in what, 4 days? No wonder nightmares are back... grrrr.

Next week damn well better be good or someone is getting kicked. Other than that I am just dandy.

Been in an overall crappy day mood for the last three. Didn't help that I haven't ben sleeping, stressing over telling M and D about my abuse and and forgot to take my meds for three days. When I have slept it's only for a couple of hours then I'll stay awake. Bro dearest is usually up all night so that could have something to do with not going *back* to sleep.

I keep having panic attacks and can't figure out what is triggering them. my social worker thinks that they are my way of exploding when under stress. (yay fun)

Gr'ass

Look at your first paragraph. No sleep, 3 days no meds, stressed over coming out about abuse to parents, brother in the home... It seems pretty obvious why you are having panic attacks. Who would not? Just take your pick out of the list and then combine them all? Ugh stress galore.

Good luck telling the parents about it. It may help getting it out. It may be rocky reactions at first and I hope you are ready, but hope that will lead to smoother waters for you. You know them best. It seems for me hiding everything just makes it worse.

I feel crappy, look crappy and I smell :( I forgot to take my pill last night (this every second day sucks...) and it's made me smell??? what the hell kind of weird reaction is that? I have a shower and stink two minutes later.. GRRRR... Anyways, let's see.. I'm useless at the moment. I've been doing nothing for days. I have a test and assignment due tomorrow and haven't even cracked a book. Laundry is piled up etc... My spurt sure didn't last long. My anxiety attacks are so bad that vidoe games are setting me off!! Basically not functioning currently. Which is scaring the sh*t outta me. If I fail school, no money. No money no house. Darned no matter what I do.

It will get better. It will get better. It will get better. It will get better.

If I keep saying it, do you think it will??

Bec

i'm pretty much in the same place, bec. keep saying it, if it works for you, maybe it'll work for me. i'm saying it too--i will beat this, i will beat this!

Yes, it will get better if you keep saying it opposed to allowing the negative to get on top of you. Why? Because you become more self confident, and with confidence comes assertiveness, with assertiveness comes outcomes. How do you like that???

Veiled, I don't know if this will help any, because I too know just how much a teenager with attitude can screw with us, got one myself as you know, however... something my MIL said really stand out to me, in that when a child says, "I hate you", you say the opposite, "I love you", and you do this for every negative remark that comes out of their mouth. Why? Because for every negative remark out of them, the negative is generally not the truth, but more the fantasy they want to evolve with their raging hormones. The positive that we return to them, is the truth, being we do love them, we don't hate them, we do value their opinion, etc etc.

My MIL does it with her grand children, and she did it with her own children, and she said it worked wonders when they went through the pubity and adolescent stages... Sure, they still jumped up and down, but she gave them no reason to argue with her, hence they calmed themselves down, found that all they got back was the truth in positive form about how their mother felt, and they soon turn around and apologise, or try to improve their communication with her, etc etc.

I thought it was really just quite interesting, and very clever to use.

We went out today baby shopping all day... got some new clothes for bub, new stroller for boo, new booster seat for bub as boo will go into his current reversible baby / booster seat (either way, both have the rolls royce of car seats)... other bits and pieces, picked bub up from day care, came home, got some take away as I have lots of work to get through, and that is my day in a nutshell.