Sorry YA, I hope it goes away soon.

Whats going on YA? What is sitting on your mind?

Today has been very good. I got a rush of excitement about being alive this morning and ran to hug my best friend, who thought I was up to something because I wouldn't stop smiling!
I read some posts on here, that set me thinking and then went to the park. I lay in the long grass, watching ravens and spiders and kites. I felt very calm, so I tried writing about my accident (as suggested by Anthony). I remembered some bad things - mostly just feeling helpless because no one understood that I was in trouble; at the time I didn't know that I had internal bleeding, but I knew something was very wrong and the doctors wouldn't believe me (thinking "crazy foreignor, what's she complaining about?")
Anyway, I wrote it down, which has now brought out some of my anger. But I also know that everything is fine, and that feeling these emotions is good, even when I'm sad.
Sorry, this was going to be a happy post!

Daisy, discovering things within ourself is always a good thing to celebrate.

Y&A, you OK? What do you have going on in your mind leaving you twitchy? I had a very rough start this AM and could not find a word to describe it, your word nails it. I know exactly what twitchy is.

Cookie, whine away! Getting it out of us helps!

I feel like hammered dog shit today. Man, it is nice to be feeling better!

The rage coming off the zoloft is settling down. Thank God. Nightmares beyond extreme lastnight. One crazy too. Back to not not being able to recall. One that I did I woke in a panic attack full swing. Hubs was practically holding me down, I was having a hard time coming out of it. Then I was trying to get a grip on the attack. Hard ride. The other one I remember waking in panic again but do not recall any of that dream. I remember having two rough spots last night awaking. Hubs said I did it all night swearing it seemed like every 1/2 hour or so to him. I do not remember any of that.

I finally got out of bed this AM and felt so jittery. Y&A's word twitchy is a good description.

Suddenly overwhelmed in sadness with the jitters trying not to have another attack. To suddenly a couple hours later like a big breath blowing threw my soul to calmness. I know, talk about mood swings!

I am so tired but I sure as hell don't want to sleep. The crazy nightmare I recalled bits of I was trying to shed my body, get out of it, it was dying and I had to get out of it. Hey Boo, you are the dream master around here... any clues? Down side I was being told by someone I would go to hell. It had been a while and it jogged the memory of I have had dreams where I was going to be sent to hell before. I could not breathe and woke hypervenalating.

Hubs reading the book is getting better at helping me see things/or him see (and I also see him having his heart broken and reading symptoms and sereverity and looking at me saying you never have done things half assed have you?). It was the middle of the night and he is trying to "coach and guide" me through the attack semi-restraining me and then when I was saying "I am dying, they said I will be sent to hell"... "They keep telling me that". He helped snap me back by saying my name and telling me that someone probably had told me that to control me in the past. (I dont remember it if it is true), but that I am not and that is the past. He was telling me they were lying to me. He seemed to think I was reliving something from younger years.

My muscles are so very sore, I feel like I did more of a work out all night rather than sleep. I may sign off and doze before the children get home, but it is scary. Like a freddy kruger thing, will I wake alive. Last night was pretty terrifying. I know it is nonsense but you know how it goes.

But over all I have improved in massive amounts today over the way the last week has gone. And I clearly see the events of the last week combined with the final cut in zoloft was just the makings for a very hard crash and burn. Seeing it and throughly understanding that helps. Espesially when I see improvement and that it isn't stuck this way.

Will be giving myself a little extra TLC and try not to stress myself until I feel back to par for the course. Enjoy my cats, soft PJs, curl up in a big cozy blanket on the sofa and watch south park while sipping my tea.

Yes, feel like shit, but it is nice to just feel like shit after this week! I know a couple of you were concerned by what my posts reflected. Thank you for being my friends. Wow I said friends :), it means a lot y'all got my back. Hugs!

Oh and Nam, something you told me a while back. Not all memories surfaced are bad. I had another. I saw the inside of a "haunted house" in an ad on TV for halloween, you know the kind you walk through and people jump out to scare the shit out of you? Well, I remember being in one. I also remember my bro there dressed in a huge bunny costume. Well I hated the haunted house as I was too little IMO to be in one but there was nothing bad in it from bro. So you were right. I am sure all the halloween stuff is what pulled it out. But nothing bad with bro in that one, they are coming out slowly.

i have had a pretty good day. my husband was sick, so we didn't make it to church. he is getting better now, the fever is gone and he's no longer throwing up, but once i saw that he is ok, i relaxed and did nothing all day.

Pumpkins got carved yesterday. We have some pretty funny ones...hehehe. It's weird how each of the family member's pumpkins resemble their personality or looks.

I haven't been sleeping very well. This is telling me that my "high as a kite" feeling might be a bit...manic. Last night it took me quite a while to settle down to sleep. While I was laying in bed, I kept hearing a female voice that would say curt or simple commands. "Sit. Go. Read. Get Back." etc. I was thinking, ok, I'm hearing voices again, that's not good. But then I thought, I'm kinda in a weird state of mind floating between sleep and wakefulness, maybe I should just listen to the commands and try to figure out the puzzle in a scientific way. It wasn't unpleasant, just strange. But I also found out that I had NO CONTROL over what this voice was going to say! It felt quite strange.... Maybe I was soooooo tired that I went a bit :crazy-eye ? I'll be paying a bit more attention tonight as I fall asleep.

Told mum about the abuse over the weekend. Just wanted her to hug me but instead I ended up having to reassure her that there was nothing she could have done to protect me.

Having oddest dreams lately talking to people that I haven't seen in years. All I can remember them saying is that I know my part, It's all a test.

Go figure.

Anthony, you asked what was on my mind?
And there are so many things I'm trying to work through right now...
It seems like there are too many to list.

As I told my therapist last Thursday...
"I believe these twitches are all physcological.
They are 'caused by all the things I'm working through right now.
Believing that these twitches will dissappear after my mind settles more keeps me going."


Today has been OK,
parent's took me and my boyfriend for lunch while they were in town.
I hated seeing the concern on my parents faces when I couldn't find the right words while I was talking.
Or the shakes while I ate... darn utencils give me away every time, lol

Just trying to think and try to stay positive :)
Y&A

GR'ass, that's so weird...
ALOT of my dreams/nightmares involve people from my past...
usually old class mates from school