I am only 17 and I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I should say that this is very hard for me to do because I have never talked to anybody about it.

A little over a year ago my girlfriend was killed in a car accident right by my side. I pulled her out. She bled to death right in my arms. The severe guilt of not being able to do anything has tortured me and still does. I wish I was in her place so much. She was so beautiful. I was and still am in love with her in the deepest way. It hurts so much. I also injured my head in the car accident, which damaged my brain in weird ways. I do not understand it really, I just cant show any positive emotions. It has severely affected my sleep. I have nonstop nightmares all of the time. People have woken me up telling me the things I do such as talking, sounding scared, and curling up. The dream always involves something about the car accident like I am trying so hard to change what happened. I will stop for now because it is getting hard to write, but i will continue later.

-T

When it first happened, I was so afraid and did not tell anybody about it and did not talk to anyone. I was scared they would think I was rubbing it in their face, or would think I was trying to make them feel bad for me. I did not talk about anything for a year.

I would talk to my best friend, and he knew I was really depressed about something. He also would have to wake me up during nighttime when I stayed over because of the nightmares. I could not stop having them. Since the accident,I have not slept one night without a nightmare. Finally I had the
strength to tell him. It was so, so hard for me to talk about it and I hoped that he would respect that. He didnt. He started avoiding me, hanging out with other friends. He wouldnt let me hang out, and he would just find excuses for not talking to me.

He made me feel like a freak and I still do feel like one. Finally I lost all control just from exhaustion out of everything. I called him out on it. I told him he was being unfair. I yelled at him. I called and called nonstop until he answered. I forced him to explain, and begged to stay friends. I was so vulnerable after telling him and he just threw it back in my face. The thing is I still want to be friends with him. We dont speak, and I have not seen him since. I felt abandoned. I go to alternative school just to get away from him because I am so hurt from it. I know I should hate him, but he was my only good friend after what happened, and it was in my opinion a good friendship. I feel like just because of my girlfriend dying I have to lose my best friend
too? It is just not fair. I can say that all I want, but it will never change anything. And on top of this nothing has ever gone away.

I feel because my head was damaged in the accident, I will always have nightmares, and always lose my ability to be happy. I feel I will never be able to get over it as long as I live. Almost two years later all I think about nonstop is the accident or how hurt I was by my friend. I have no life. I sit in my room in the dark, at the computer when I am not at school. I feel as if my life is screwed and there is nothing I can do to change it. Maybe I am complaining and sureI have gotten the lecture on how to think positive and if I say I cant then I cant. But I do try to be happy. I will watch movies,
read. I do well in school. I used to be so normal, and now I feel anything but normal.

And then there is my girlfriend. I dont think I will ever be able to be with anyone else without the guilt of feeling like I am hurting her. I love her so much, and in one second in front of my face she is gone. She bled to death in my arms! I wish it was me instead just to save her. I would have done anything for her, but I never got the oppurtunity to.

I try so hard to not feel sorry for myself. I never talk to anyone about it. It hurts so much and its so dark I just cant deal with it. I feel too young to be going through this. I just want a friend or someone to talk to I dont care who it is just anybody. I do not know how to live anymore. What is going to happen to me when I get older? Am I going to be alone all of my life? Sometimes I grab my pillow at night and pretend I am hugging her. Usually, I cry myself to sleep which is immediately followed by a nightmare. I dont...I can't live a life like this. My Mom doesnt know what to do with me. She is nice but I just am too shy.

Before my dad killed himself, he used to beat
me because of the accident. He blamed me and thought I should be ashamed. It wasnt my fault, there was no intoxication involved, I wasnt driving so why should I be beaten because of this? He wastoo strong for me to fight back. I didnt know life could be this horrifying. I want so bad to just be a normal kid again but its a broken dream. How can one possibly recover from this? I have meds, but they do me no good. I want to move far far away to somewhere warm and sunny. Just live a nice quiet rest of my life in peace without having to suffer. I want a social life, but I cant I am scared I will freak people out and have a deathly fear that I will be rejected again. I want to try to have a peaceful life. I am all alone in this. I'm pretty shaken up right now so I am going to stop for now.

Hey Anon,

I'm glad you're here and expressing your feelings. First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. You've had enough tragedy for a life time. I'm going to point out a few things from today's post.

I believe you are going through what many of us have. PTSD has a way of showing who our real friends and family are. That doesn't mean that after a period of time, they won't return and give some well needed support. Some people are just very uncomfortable with any kind of intense emotion. We've all felt like freaks at one point. Just remember that what you are going through is completely normal and for anyone that has not gone through it themselves have no idea. Please, do not call yourself a freak anymore. Because you are not. You're hurting, that doesn't make you a freak.

Always is a pretty definitive answer. You might feel as if this will go one forever, but it doesn't. After you heal, you will not have nightmares anymore. As you deal with your trauma and start to heal, you'll notice that your nightmares start to recede and gradually go away. Now, the non ability to be happy is a depression issue. Depression is also a huge component of PTSD, and something that I also suffer from. Depression warps the way you think. You have to try hard to change those ways. Stop putting yourself down, and stop telling yourself that this suffering will never end. It will, you just gotta heal first.

You don't ever have to stop loving her. But you do have to start living. Considering that she could have been your first love, this will take some time. Anon, instead of thinking that you wished you could have done something for her, remember that you were there to hold her. She did not die alone because you were there. That truly is a gift that you gave to her.

OK, wow. This also needs to be addressed. This only compounds the trauma. What your dad was doing is called secondary wounding. He's basically keeping the wound open and not letting it heal, making a bigger scar. You know that you are not at fault. You said this. Believe it. You are not at fault.

So, if I have this straight, when you were sixteen you were in a bad car accident in which your girlfriend was killed. Your father then beat you because of the accident. Did your father beat you ever before the accident? And when did your father commit suicide? That is one horrible year.....

This sounds wonderful, but your feelings will follow you there. You can't run from this. All the nightmares, all of the emotional breakdowns, and guilt are signs that you must start to deal with this trauma. It won't go away.

This is huge step for you to come to this forum to tell us about your pain. But I want you to go further. Gather up your courage to live life again. Find a therapist or counselor. See a psychiatrist if you are thinking of med changes. And finally, even though there is no one right there to comfort you, we are here. You do not have to go about this alone, but it does take courage to go forward with healing.

Thank you for replying. I do not really care for my father, and it does not bother me as much as other things do. He had problems with drugs and alcohol earlier in his life so he was always a pain to be around. They were divorced since I was four. I wasnt abused before the accident, but he was always a little violent and immature. I dont want to sound mean, but him commiting suicide was a relief for me. I dont want to sound wimpy but he was a big dude, I could not defend myself. And I know many people suffer from abuse so I dont want to sound ignorant. Im sure people suffer years of abuse and I am glad it was only a year for me. I did get hospitalized though because he bashed my head into a brick wall. I am just grateful that chapter of my life is over.

I have already had several combinations of meds, and I just dont think that is going to do me much good. I am just really quiet and shy, and am very unconfortable talking about it in person. I know that it is a therapists job, and they have probably seen worse, but I just think that typing here may be a good idea for now. When I am at the therapists I just think of other things to talk about. I feel safer here where I know people can know about it without me making them unconfortable. It still is hard enough putting it on here as it is. I just cant keep it in any longer.

Well, feel free to vent here and we will be as supportive as we possibly can. I am not sure how much direct advice we can offer you though really. That one is going to be Anthony's call, the board owner. While yes, we will be here and should for venting and I don't want to deny you that, but you being under 18 may leave us as far as advice with our hands tied, I cannot say for sure if you may make it out of moderation, again not my call. But there is a lot you can glean from the board still.

But a couple books that may assist you and maybe you can get a hold of are "I Can't Get Over It" A Handbook for Trauma Survivors Second Edition by Aphrodite Matsakis, Ph.D.. A PTSD specialist. This one is directly geared for PTSD. The other is "Feeling Good Handbook" David D. Burns, M.D.. This one is mainly geared for depression but it involves a lot of the distorted thinking patterns we have with PTSD. Both involve fill in the blank or journals to do homework in. They can prove very helpful and make sure it is cleared with your doctor or guardian.

Again I do not want to deny support as we are a support group but I am unsure how much direct advice we can really give you. Not a single regular poster is a doctor, we are all with PTSD helping one another is the point.

But venting and getting it out of you is a good thing as bottled up never helps.

I am curious though do you live with your mother now? Does she know you have sought out an online support group? What is your home life like currently where you are? Ask them for assisting you in getting these books. Christmas is just around the corner! What type of therapy are you in? How often do you go? Do you have on going treatments or check ups from physical problems from the accident? Sorry, if that is a lot of questions.

I dont know...maybe I shouldnt be here. I just didnt realize everyone that had this is much older than me. I am not really asking for professional advide or anything like that. Just somewhere where I can talk about it would be nice. I am sorry- I dont want to be somewhere where I dont belong or will be distracting so if thats the case then I will go if you need me to. I dont consider myself immature and I wont be rude or anything.

Not everyone is much older. There are certainly all age groups here no doubt. And again as I said we will be as supportive all we can. Another editor was fresh from highschool on her way to college. A lot of us have childhood PTSD... You are certainly not alone or being chased off. Again it is better to vent than bottle. I hope you keep venting.

anon, stay with us, vent, get it out, it will help. You are not alone in this any more. you will not just be "poof"! better one day, but you will gradually get better . sounds like you are a good student. start thinking about where you want to go to college, what you want to do for a living, etc. it may be a while before you get to them, but you definately can.
cathy

My relationship with my Mom is not a bad one, it is just...just. I think she feels really bad for me and just lets me do my own thing. She supports me at least. I just cant bring myself to talk around people. I am almost a mute in a way. I am just very very shy now. I dont know why. Maybe it is because I am always sleepy and exhausted. I cant go to sleep because I will have really bad nightmares.

Right before the falling out with my friend and after I told him about it, he supported me in a way. He promised he didnt want me to be alone in all of this. I guess he was just telling me what I wanted to hear at the time because immediately after he was just hurting me more. Now I feel as if I cant never tell anyone because then everyone I know will go away in the end. I dont think he knows how much he hurt me. He probably wouldnt even recognize me. Maybe it is weird to obsess over one friend, but it hurts when the only person that knows about it abandons you.

I'm sure it hurts, but now he is not the only one that knows. We all know now too. And we support you, and I guarantee that this site will be here for a long, long time....