Hey Andrea I hope things are going better but since it has been only just about a week since your post I won't hold my breath. As for what seems like an eternity for y'all a week passes for me and I don't notice. I am only going to give an insiders point of view from my perspective... just mine. And well, bec said the whole couch thing and my toddler argued with her dad tonight she wants to sleep on the couch like momma...


I am going to post your original and go from there if that is OK, I really do try to stay out of the spouse section but this one I kind of get...

I think it is normal for a person to feel wanted but you are expecting normal things from a normal person there, not a person with PTSD. Sadly I was of showing we want you is not packing. What is prompting put downs? I can't see eye rolling simply because you walked in the room or am I wrong? Are you saying something upsetting or pressuring about "I don't feel wanted"?

Hell, this one bites me on the ass and I am not even there. You seem mad he is on disability... He is "still" on disability. Hon, this does make you disabled. He should not feel like he is looked down on for that. What makes you think you gone all day is a pleasure? Now take out any stupid remark he may have said in a heated moment, but what part is a pleasure? I HATE I cannot work, I hate I am relying on another, and it hurts when the spouse says yeah I work all day and you do what??? I can answer that, our thoughts invade us, we cannot escape what we did or have been through, panic eats us and all we can do is therapy to get to a better place which takes years. Does not make for a great day if you think about it. If we could just push that out of our head we would be lucky who don't have PTSD.

Easy for me to get but may not be for you. The cool thing about buddies... They don't talk about feelings. It is hey, lets have a beer and shoot shit. It is at my convienience my buddy was there (moving and well now feelings are involved so we are not there for each other in the move). My buddy has this shit and well, we go hang out in silence and tell bad jokes, rag each other about football, shoot things, and fish. Closest we discuss feelings is us whining about why do the others need to so much. Buddies are buds, not on the same emotional level which is painful to get on as a spouse. It is not hey we need to talk... You have not called. Buddies have boundries.

See above

Now honestly look at this and you tell me where this is not going to work with a PTSDer... You have been here long enough. First physical is over rated. "I bitch at him" "we have nothing going in our marriage" "when will all this crap end" "my arguing+complaining+questioning" and you are really trying to figure out why he is avoiding you? You are not sick of living with one who feels nothing at all, you are sick of living with someone who feels so much he cannot handle it the way you may be able to and you are pressuring him by your own statements.

Hell, if he is cooking he is doing better than me... Of course if I see hamburger helper again I swear I will puke. You could have it worse.


He probably is eaten up with PTSD all day and trying to get to a better place in his head which can be hard with the pressure you are giving emotionally. Yes, very very normal... And no time limit. It is pushed there is no race to heal. How long YOU can handle it is another thing.


Yes, I think you are being needy, but not in a bad way. You are expecting normal things. Thing is your spouse has PTSD and not normal but normal for PTSD, the more you push the further he will back up. Let the rope slack and leave it, in time they pick it up and come closer. When I get wild feral animals on my farm I cannot catch them if I chase them all day. I have to put a little feed out for a long time and leave. I put a little feed out and then sit and watch and wait for them to wander off, I sit a little closer each time. Eventually I put that feed in my hand but do not touch, eventually I reach out a little and move around, but still don't touch. Eventually I try to pet but only a second. I keep that up until I see no resistense and then pet a little more and more over time. Eventually they love me and don't leave me alone. Think of it like a farmer :) You cannot put a time frame on it, but as long as you chase you can bet you bottom dollar they are gonna run.

You have to let him come to you in a time frame good for him. If it is too long, well, I don't know what to say. I have done this dance for years here.

I wish you and DD the best and hope y'all work it out.

Dear Dazed, My husband & I seperated for 14 mos & basically didn't speak the whole time (it hurt too much)... I filed for divorce after 6 mos (cuz the lawyers said it would be best for me if I filed 1st). Yes, he had a girlfriend... He hit bottom w/PTSD & said it was a very long, lonely time. But I went to see him at 14 mos(Nov '05) & each of us wanted very much to reconcile. Yes, the girlfriend thing still hurts.
Just an idea... why don't you have someone look after your son while YOU follow Sneaky off to his weekend retreat??? You'll have your answer...
(Unconventional advice, but cheapre than a private dectective...)

I know it is really weird, but I think he might not really have been with this girl after all. I think maybe he just wants me to think that. He told me that the girl told him that she could not be with a married man and for him not to call her and she is afraid that I am going to come and cause problems for her or something. I really would not do that though. It takes two to tango and I can't blame her if they were together.

Now he is staying home about every weekend and has started taking an interest in seeing our son and is actually pleasant to me most of the time. Still says he wants a divorce though, but cannot tell me why really, just that he does not miss me anymore and does not think he is "in-love" with me. I am so confused by all of this. He even told me himself that it does not make sense to him either, but he just knows that we could never be together again. Weird, right?

I tried to just drop our son off at where he is staying tonight and went well, until I noticed my lovely child had left his coat in the car and had to take it back over there. I had to go in and of course he acted like nothing has happened and started talking to me and we chit-chatted just like before all this happened except for at the end of the conversation, I have to kiss my son bye-bye and then I told him I hoped his headache got better and I for some stupid reason touched his arm when I left, I guess just to touch him. He did not act like he minded it, but that was not good for me though, because now I am sitting here, really missing him and wishing that he were back here and we had our life back together.

Why can I not just let him go? Why is it that one minute he is so mean to me and the next we can have a good conversation and have so much fun together and then either he or I one has to walk out the door and leave our son? I try to play by the rules, but the rules change so much that I don't know what they are anymore.

I know he loves me, I can see it in his eyes, but it is just like he just can't bring himself to admit he does still love me and come back and try again. He sometimes says that he only hurts everyone he is around and he does not want to hurt me or our son anymore. That is very noble of him, but how do I live without him, when I love him so much.

I am however glad that he has shown an interest in our child again and maybe, just maybe if I am patient with him, and he has not had a sexual relationship with this girl and just wanted me to think that, then we could try again. There are so many if's though that I don't know if it will ever work out or not.

Just keep on praying for us. I know we could make it if he could get his problems worked out like Anthony said and I am learning how to be more patient myself and to do things on my own and not get so offended and take things he does/says so personally anymore.

thanks again for listening....

dazed

Dazed - what a turn around for you you sound much stronger for you......I wish our situations could be magicked away but alas no - dont go back down keep growing stronger and who knows. what do they say "baby steps". i seem to have blown it now - with my impatience cant to take / implement the good advice - Just getting through Christmas will be a deal in itself . take care

Tig,
I feel your pain...same thing here :( kinda...well when we seperated, he was very hurt, then became very "needy" he said and found someone new to spend time with :( we are now together but it is hard knowing that he once (this past year) trusted somebody else...and pretty much turned to her for whatever he needed :( I still throw fits about it occationally :(
Dazed,
Im pretty sure he was at the very least talking to this girl...but like i have told you before, it seems that your husband has gone too far.....
Veiled,
Thank you for breaking everything down for me... Alot of it makes sence (i will go into detail later) but some things i do not agree with of course because thats exactly how myhusband thinks....its weird..... Im not happy right now, and not having the best day, but thanks to everyone for their input...
Makes me think....do we have problems because of PTSD or are these guys just typical men?! I cant tell.....Dont mean to talk trash... Im just not in the best mood......

I am just going to say in regards to YOU and YOUR situation Andrea it is a PTSD thing... Not a girl guy thing - unless things are being left out. I posted exactly how I feel and what I go through and last time I checked I did not have all the hairy thing going like guys so no, not male. Some people here have marital issues. What you cut out is PTSD.

Veiled,
I agree with the whole disabilty thing...i know i shouldn't have said "still" and i should have been more supportive...i know because he has told me that he hates not being able to work. Thanks for pointing that out.
I see how all the negative things i say may be hurting out relationship, even our sex life. I guess i am so overwhlemed that i dont even see things unless someone like you (who understands and takes the time to explain things) lets me know how i am doing things the wrong way... or at least show me that i can do them in a different way.

My husband is wonderful when it comes to making delicious meals and i do appreciate it considering i cant cook for sh*t lol...but you are right i need to give him more credit, it could be worse i guess....

Thank you so much Veiled so breaking everything down for me...I really do hope things work out between DD and i....i really do love him with all my heart and he means the world to me...i just think that we are too different at times as well though.... sometimes i think its me with the problems and not you guys lol

p.s. i know you know alot about DD and i :) and i agree with you to a point....i dont want to think that its a guy thing because i know he is different... you are funny :)

I know y'all have had trials beyond this from what you have posted and still y'all are together, now y'all have this. I say y'all as when one has PTSD both suffer from PTSD and it's symptoms.

Marriage sucks going up and down for normal couples. PTSD certainly puts things to the test. Y'all have made it this far and I have confidence in y'all because what I see is a lot of PTSD and your depression from dealing with it. I would not say a word about it if y'all had not been open with me in the past. But you need to not (OK try not) to let his symptoms be what you currently believe about yourself. Think about it. You are a working woman, you have an ill husband, you are standing by him even though you suffer right now. Forget past crap and look at what you are doing now! Take that feeling of empowerment and ride high on it, you are not beaten, Andrea. You just need to boost yourself to see how hard you are working to make sense of this crap. And hell we can't even do it a lot of the time.

But ya know... Like that feral animal thing I was talking about. Us being women are used to being the a bit spoiled ones. So try turning the tables and see at this point in time you have an ill house-husband (You are doing what so many men have done for centuries, welcome equal rights lol). One of those meals... Bust out a couple candle sticks and light them and turn down the lights and turn off TVs and radios. Just tell him thank you, this is a nice supper. And enjoy peace and quiet between you. No talking about issues or troubles. Just enjoy a nice softly lit dinner and say thanks and leave it.

I used the feral animal analogy because, well guys are a bit like wild animals at times LOL.

Try it here and there without any emotional or sexual pressure. Just leave the door open if he chooses to come to you by trying to avoid giving a cold shoulder. Little things like that add up really. Especially if there is no feeling of strings attached.

My hubs and I are locking horns currently, but I am sure it will smooth out, we always hit patches (feels like a crash and burn and grounds for divorce!) But we work through it, amazing what simple time can do.

But hubs and I... Well, he backed off. He did A LOT. It took a very long time of that and no pressure, but plenty of praise to make me warm up to him again. I am not always warm, but I do now get that way again.

He feels by not backing off after learning about PTSD and learning by my ques when I needed him anything else was selfish on his part. Every little step I make he is there to back it and recognize it. Every set back he tells me you know this is part of the process and it will get better. Then sometimes he says the most horrible things as stress gets to him and he gets an evil eye for a month! LOL.

I think y'all have what it takes as do many here in spouse as y'all don't give up and you stand by their side and not try to make it worse. Some may unintentionally needle, like you were, but that was simply you not knowing it. But I figure that is why you come and ask.

I hope it helps some Andrea, hugs your way and tell DD I send them his way too, y'all can do this... But it is a long hard journey. I hope my hubs will get on here after we settle after the move... As little as I would like hearing him say all the stupid shit I say and do, but I think he could offer good advice. We are still married :) He has dealt with this for at about 5 years now? Besides he went and bought his own laptop now since I am a computer hog...

Dazed, I'm not trying to be harsh, hurt your feelings, or dash your hopes--just being honest & trying to get you to look at this objectively.

I know it is really weird, but I think he might not really have been with this girl after all. I think maybe he just wants me to think that. He told me that the girl told him that she could not be with a married man and for him not to call her and she is afraid that I am going to come and cause problems for her or something. I really would not do that though. It takes two to tango and I can't blame her if they were together.

Sadly, in my experience men don't "go away" every weekend just so that they can talk to a girl...(esp. since he's home every wknd now). Frankly, I wouldn't be so quick to believe the rest, either. Yes I fell for it, too--until...

Now he is staying home about every weekend and has started taking an interest in seeing our son and is actually pleasant to me most of the time. Still says he wants a divorce though, but cannot tell me why really, just that he does not miss me anymore and does not think he is "in-love" with me. I am so confused by all of this. He even told me himself that it does not make sense to him either, but he just knows that we could never be together again. Weird, right?

If he already has a lawyer, the first thing he'd tell hubs is to stop seeing this girl until the divorce he wants is finalized & become a bigger presence in his son's life...
About the reason "Why?" Sounds like he's trying to take the easy way out, instead of telling you he has feelings for another. At some point, he's going to have to declare a reason, & I don't want you to be blind-sided by it.

...he acted like nothing has happened and started talking to me and we chit-chatted just like before all this happened except for at the end of the conversation,...I told him I hoped his headache got better and I for some stupid reason touched his arm when I left, I guess just to touch him. He did not act like he minded it, but that was not good for me though, because now I am sitting here, really missing him and wishing that he were back here and we had our life back together.

He's giving you mixed messages, which naturally confuses you & makes you miss him more. Sometimes it hurts so much more that it makes you wish you hadn't seen him...?

Why can I not just let him go? Why is it that one minute he is so mean to me and the next we can have a good conversation and have so much fun together and then either he or I one has to walk out the door and leave our son? I try to play by the rules, but the rules change so much that I don't know what they are anymore.

Because you love him...See above

I know he loves me, I can see it in his eyes, but it is just like he just can't bring himself to admit he does still love me and come back and try again. He sometimes says that he only hurts everyone he is around and he does not want to hurt me or our son anymore. That is very noble of him, but how do I live without him, when I love him so much.

1st: It seems more "Guilt" than nobility. 2nd: you mourn the loss.You get stronger slowly, day by day, until you find yourself & your son going on this life without him- without missing him. It's more complicated with children in the picture. We agreed to make the exchange in a public place (McDonald's for us; but then my ex was abusive).

I think you have enough hope for all of us. I hope he does give you both that 2nd chance. You'll be in our thoughts and prayers.
(Sorry--can't seem to master the multi-quote thing!)

Andrea,

my hubby (ranger2_75) has his ups and downs. I don't remember reading any of the causes for your hub's PTSD. Causes may be important in wading thru the emotional turmoil you both suffer. I think you may have heard the term "triggers" used here in the forum. The triggers are the spouses land mines in this horrible battle we all fight daily. It's very difficult to learn the triggers sometimes and takes a while because they might not realize what it is that triggers them. My hubby was an army ranger and literally killed people for a living, not a great thought is it? It was something he was trained to do and did what he was trained. He was raised by a religious family and I know he felt it was wrong to take a life - no matter what --. Yet if he hadn't killed he and or his team could all have died. Night after night he has the night mares. Day after day he continues to hate himself for what he did. He feels he's not worthy of being loved.
He can't take sleeping pills -- because if he does, he can't wake up from the nightmare. He was young 20 yrs old when this happened. (he's now 34 yrs) so this wasn't so long ago. He is deep down a warm hearted, loving man, with a wonderful soul. He just feels "haunted" by those he killed. Everyday it eats at him and different things will "trigger" him.
I feel lucky that he married me, as I am 50 yrs old. overweight and have my fair share of "issues"!
Frustrated, confused, and most of the time I don't know what to do to help him. I continually tell him -- I love him -- that he did what he had to do --- and that God had a reason why tho we may not know what it is.