2Quilt,

That's great advice - I firmly believe in making pacts. My therapist and I make them, and we set guidelines and dates. It's been effective.

Best,
Rachel

Thanks for your condolences Cindy.

I have made a pact with a couple of people......I call them when I am down in the middle of the night and they always answer the phone and help me over the bump.....not that I ever have any plans...just upset and need to talk. What are friends for?

I have been that way in the past, then had it used against me by a lady in Rio Rancho. I went for meds, and explained what had happened in the past, including my having to report and get several people fired, and she labelled "medically non-compliant" and recommended me for commitment. When I told my family, an ex-therapist who had treated me and is well known in the state, and people at random they all laughed "you...you're too serious about life...". She was just worried, I was explained to, about my getting her fired too. When they pulled my gf's and my records and found out we were not drug addicts looking for pills, they changed their tune-but not before the riot act and a host of baseless accusations that really hurt my feelings, self-esteem, and trust ( I have little for med. people anymore).

Needless to say, Anthony made a comment or several about Drs, and I have to agree. Sadly, and I have no idea why they did it in the past-no one listened for a long time. Even with a leg infection from depakote suppuration and my bottom. Now it's getting better due to an antibiotic I've been asking for 4 YEARS NOW to get! The Dr. I spoke to this last time was overworked beyond belief and I rec'd incredible service I still feel guilty for getting (since they were busy),but he did strengthen my faith in medical people more than anything else.

I would be wary to see what happens. Tell little things first, don't blab all of it at once, you may scare them or they may over-react.

Later I was threatened with having the police called after I admitted to having felt that way in high school, roughly 18 years prior.

I'd be careful what you say. People seemed to ignore what I said, times and circumstances, everything and wrote a book into what I DID say.

I am always asked by my family doctor....pretty standard response....My son needs me. He is my reason for living.....

I know now that I also have to live for me but I am still learning how to do that.....it is a hard job...learning to live with PTSD.

Feels good to realize I'm not as alone as I've felt with regard to my thoughts about suicide. I've had a couple of attempts in my past and I've been hospitalized more times than I can count but all of that was many years ago. Like many of you I think about suicide or death but don't actually make any kind of plan. I have a daughter now who needs me and I can't imagine leaving her behind to deal with this world and the people in our family without me here to protect her. I hadn't really thought about what pandora said about learning to live for myself. I've just been so proud of myself that wishing and planning for my death weren't part of my everyday life that I guess I didn't think it really mattered what the reason was. For now staying alive for my daughter will have to be enough because at least it gets the job done but I'll have to work on wanting to live for me. Thanks for the insight.

In response to the original question...I don't usually tell my doctor when suicidal thoughts first begin but if they persist I'm honest. I've been with my current doctor for about six years now and haven't been hospitalized a single time. I really think it is because I'm able to be honest with him and he can help me before things spin completely out of control for both of us.

I had a similar experience with my first go at therapy, in terms of learning to never mention the 'S' word. I was housebound due to illness and was terrified of so many things, including going to hospital, but the therapist just when on and on and on about it, ignoring every single fear that I'd mentioned. She didn't even bundle it up as 'I know you're scared but I think you should do x y and z', it was a freak-out 'you MUST go and do this'. I'd forgotten about this, now I'm crying about that time. It's so hard for me to trust anyone, and I've had a few bad experiences with therapists, this was one of them.

I never ever tell anyone except my partner and even then, not always.

My doctor has never asked me. I trust him more than I've trusted any other health care professional but I suspect I wouldn't tell him, although I might now that I'm actually in therapy. I've only just started with a new therapist. I don't trust her yet, in terms of knowing how she'd react. I may trust her later when I get to know her better.

I don't know why I still have the fear of telling. Someone I know attempted it last year - I don't think she was even admitted overnight (although she was taken to the ER to have her stomach pumped), so that would seem to imply that if I mentioned just thinking about it, the chances of me being forcibly admitted here would be very low.

So I don't know why I have the fear that I will be forcibly taken to hospital. Actually, now I'm thinking about it, I know why there's this fear of hospitals. Out of 3 hospital experiences as an adult, 1 operation, 1 test, 1 sleep study - 2 triggered bad stuff (but I didn't know it at the time) and multiple bad experiences with blood tests in the outpatient part of the hospital. I'll finish this in my diary, new insights.

I think this became clearer when reading someone else's post which said something like 'no need to fear hospital, it's a safe place to ride out the storm' and that seemed so utterly alien to me. Hospital does not feel safe to me at all.

Like others, I don't tell the truth either. I'm too worried about what the consequences would be. I "know" I would never do it and therefore I justify not telling anyone for that reason. No need to make anyone worried for nothing,