The mental imagery forum is different theresa... that is for you to fill out and I do them, based on Dr. Roerich's work, as he teaches me mental imagery personally. So that is to help people here, though not the full scale of mental imagery that he does, as nor he or I are going to release all aspects, as too much information can be a very dangerous thing with something like mental imagery.

Hmmm... How I would describe it. Pretty pain free process. Non invasive or intrusive, and no direct questions relating to trauma. So no prying is in my eyes a good thing. He was hitting a spot in my life that I indicated more trauma than I thought. So we had a differing opinion there. But this is the subconscious mind we are speaking of right, so... I had to think about it, ugh I hate trying to sort it out.

I had to really stop and think and put years together. Try to put them order in my head and make more sense of things in that phase of my life. So this is what I did. As my family is spending the day away today I got in my car and drove in the snow for the first time in my life. My second time to drive since being here. I went some where alone. I cannot recall at all the last time I went solely by myself any where at all. I went out to eat of all things (yes in a corner). Listened to the country music playing and watching old men shoot the shit. I see where all the 70+ yo men are between 2 and 3 in the afternoon now. Very unlike me at all especially since I have felt like a nut for a few days now to boot. But I could not focus at home. I actually felt I had to leave. Total opposite (still working on that reasoning) as my "I must stay in" thought pattern. I had to escape where I normally escape to.

But I sat indulging on a mississippi mud pondering these years. The time line. Because this is where I did not see it. Yes, it started at the time of my parents divorce so I may need to work on that and my emotions behind it. With my therapist of course.

More pondering, I have always "guesstimated" the years of the aspects molestation I recalled, the memory gaps my sister and mom hold keys to but tell me to be grateful I cannot remember and refuse to tell me exactly what happened to me (when I still spoke to them) I guess it is something I still do want to know even if I would like to believe otherwise. But I do know it was when my mom was out prowling and after my dad left and left us with the brother; guess I just did not want to examine it closely enough. I looked as I thought the worst phase as being where the asshole step came in, but that would have also been when she (mom) was no longer on the prowl and at home. That was the difference in where I saw things at the worst and my subconscious saying not so. But looking at it and examining it would seem to also line up at when the sexual abuse was going on. Meaning yeah, he is probably right about that, and I did not examine it close enough off the top of my head to line it up.

So my opinion that I come away with is I still need to work on how I felt during that phase of my life as it effects me now. What things go on now that make me have those same feelings I did back then. Work on that. Fun part, trying to recall all those emotions of way back when 25-30 years ago and compare then to my current emotional state. That is if I gathered this correctly.

So after thought he seemed to nail everything pretty well. Too well. But not a bad thing it certainly makes you sit back and think. A lot of being knocked down but trying to get back up. Another part seems to point that I am still doing too much of the all or nothing - black and white - or as he said it "life or death". Now that is my assumption when he said that. I did not think to ask for a more clear explanation on that but it seemed clear to me as being the black and white thinking.

I think this would prove very helpful. He was accurate about relationships, but he did not know how close to life or death some of those were as the aspects were not discussed about it LOL. He did this with the lack of knowledge on pretty much all the history.

I would say a very good tool. I feel pretty cramped up and a bit ill, but I just went and did a major trigger on compulsion and God only knows why. Maybe Bob would, I don't know. But I did not flip out either? But the come down effects being home will probably be singing soon.

I hope this is what info you needed Anthony. Bob and I did not get personal so there is nothing I am not willing to discuss and you pretty much know all my horrible secrets as it is as they are in my diary in public and I do speak pretty openly about most of it on the forum anyway.

I may copy this to my diary when you have time Anthony to help me sort this when you are up to it. In the mean time pay rent this week and take this to a therapist to get the CBT started back up on this.

I felt compelled to add... There is something I will not place here more suited to diary. But yes this makes you think as the day goes on. It has done certainly what Anthony has a talent at. Making you think about shit you choose and I say CHOOSE not to. Pulls a lot of shit to the surface fast (over a day is fast). Things you do not get or even expect. Yes, going into this is very pain free... mulling it over and as it sinks in is not so much so. I think it is well worth it. I know how pulling this up in the past has helped me so I do not doubt it now. Sorry to add if not needed but you are getting my reactions.

Well I did mine just a little over an hour ago. First things first.

I think this should be THE METHOD to treating PTSD. Period. This should be across the board. It should be mandatory therapy for us. It is non-intrusive. I don't have to trust myself or a therapist for it. It just comes. It took two hours and felt like it was no more than 30 minutes. Which is very nice.

I was, admittly, very nervous. Having very little memory before the age of 14 and having been diagnosed as having amnensia from age 14 down due to trauma, I was a little worried! LOL. It wasn't bad. I had nothing to worry about.

How did this help me mentally or emotionally? It helped clarify a few things I was very confused over. I was in denial of some of my feelings because I wasn't sure about them. This is helping me to accept them and I will be able to clarify and work through them now. It helped me with determing what my emotional state is right now, and deeper festering emotions that I carry with me.

I had some very interesting moments. There were a few times where I felt as if I was going to break down and cry, hell sob. I didn't though. Very very deep and strong emotions for me. I had a few high anxiety moments and I had one wicked flashback complete with an anxiety attack. Mind you that was from something to do with the entier 'era' that I can't remember.

This helps. It gives me direction. It gives me a look at what is really my issues. It tells me what I am ready for and what I am not. It even relieved some fears I had.

I'll do it again, anytime. This is real therapy!!

Bob, you rock.

bec

P.S. I'm going to sleep now, as this completly exhuasted me in everyway I can think of.

I wasn't sure where to put this, so I'm putting this here.

I feel void. Totally void. I know that can't be because I'm sighing every three seconds (sign of anxiety), very jumpy about my door, the phone, anyone talking to me etc., and I'm exhausted but I can't sleep. Yet, I would describe it as void. An empty space. No more than a shell covering nothingness. The thought of attempting to write down all the stuff from the interview is more than I can even think about. Moving it is more than I can think about. Breathing is as far as I get right now. It took me five hours to make a pot of tea. Matt made supper. we had turkey sandwhiches. pretty god damn sad.

I feel void. Void like my past. Void like the years I am missing from my amnesia. ....

bec

well I've gone from void, to exceptional anger.. ohhh am I ever angry right now.. all day so far.. I'm pissed at my brain, I'm pissed at the justice system, the health care system, my lack of support, my trauma, my inablity to deal with it, at some of my secrets coming out.. at my unreasonable beliefs that I know are unreasonable that I don't want to talk about because I know they are unreasonable although my brain refuses to listen, at the entire planet, society, pissed at men, relationships, my mother.. i could keep going..

Wow, this hit nerves.. great big ones.

bec

I will agree with you. This does send you all over and back to poking at shit you thought you were done with... Funny thing is you are the one poking it, not another person.

LMAO, God I never thought of that.. I am poking it ain't I?



bec

Just don't forget to poke it with reason, find sense to it all, and deal with things, instead of just putting them back in their place with negative stigma attached.

I don't think I can do the imagery study. I don't have access to the needed camera.