Hope you didn't do it and you don't need to be ashamed. I have had horrid moments like that, as most with PTSD has. It is not a sign of weakness. Those moments do not make us less of a person, weak, bad, or anything else. We survived trauma, PTSD, triggers, etc.. Is that not strong? How many people do you know that can survive what we have? I don't know many. We are, YOU ARE a strong person, even in those dark moments.

Now, about your husband. Have you previously spoke to him about his style of communication? Not argued, but sat down and had a good heart to heart about it? This only works if neither are angry. If you have what was the result? How did your talk go? Also, why are you responsible for "saving" your husband from the childs nagging? Is this a common pattern? Are you the "strong" one or responsible one in this relationship?

I'm asking this to get a better picture of what is taking place right now.

Bec

P.S. *hugs* I think you need that...

Did call mother this morning as i was expected to. Found courage from somewhere to tell her I was overwhelmed and in no way able to help her today. She got my point, considered and found another solution. She said after all' they will tally it all up and she'll let me know how much. Still very much a problem for me, as I cannot afford, nor want to repay her now and I'm too scared shit'less to tell her this. Anyhow I hand up the phone and I'm soon hit with an intense piercing pain in my forehead. An unusual as it might sound, suddenly almost without my permission, start pounding my fist into the mattress and screaming primal screams one right after the other. Aware that I should probably put my face into the pillow so neighbors don't hear and think something terrible is happening I do so. And after it all the pain in my head disappears. As I attempt to move on with what's next I start to feel sudden, quick releases of energy through different parts of my body, ie. head and arms. Can almost feel the wiring in my brain short circuting, start to feel dizzy, unreal, almost like I could faint.

Whatever it was it passed, for now and here I am stressed, but not feeling out of control of myself as much, feeling better having called everything off for the day and doing 2 no shows. One: helping my mother, Two: lunch mother, (3rd time in a row) and Three: early dismissal and speech therapist. Now soon I will hope to take some suggestions and do some other things known to be good, like eat some breakfast and lunch.

bec, Him and I, I belive, are both the strong, responsible ones in our relationship? But in ways which are worlds apart. And even though I now see this, it's hard for me to determine or yet state what exactly is his strengths and what are mine, but please no one misunderstand me, he is one very strong man perhaps too strong for his own good sometimes, bc virtually everything he truly feels and thinks he deals with exclusively by himself. It's as though he doesn't see it proper to make himself vulnerable and open up, or perhaps he just doesn't have a clue as to how or why too. Or perhaps when and if he does he confronted with a problem. I don't know. He's told me and I've seen it, he's said he feels as if he's to experience joy, grief, love other feelings ect. he feels as if he's faking these emotions, as if they're there only bc he wants to experience them, but that there not really there. I don't know, what's up.

As far as sitting down and talking with him about his comm. style there are many obstacles. He works extremely hard and finds himself wiped, he busy's himself at times unneccassarily so. He likes to tackle jobs, get them done but doesn't want to talk about them. I think he might feel frustrated and inadequate when talking about coping skills, recovery, principles and other things he finds himself less than an expert at. It all just steals from the precious little time he has. He likes to do, and not bother himself with too much talk or listening or feeling. Now I've turned around and pointed out perhaps a weakness, well to hell with that bc despite this he is quite responsible, and though it pains me to say this probably far more responsible than I could ever be in many ways.

Also, bec I'll have to try this when we're not angry but, for quite sometime now one of us is always angry. So the times not right yet.

As far as saving him from son's nagging, husb. believes that we're each suppose to be responsible to step in and help the other when either one of us are in need, and the other is available. The problem arises when both of us are simultaneously in need, the kids are in need and no one is available, or has the energy reserves to want to help. Another most definate problem is mind-reading, none of us yet that I know have this true ability, and as with the case the other night, he thought I knew what was occurring, and rather than find out, ask and trust he just believed what he perceived and to hell with reality. I hadn't a clue, and had I, I may have still disappointed him in that I didn't do it quick enough or the right way.

bec, it's not a common pattern of my husb. to demand I step in and help, he does his share and sometimes far more, but does it all resentfully, sometimes feeling I don't do enough, which I know without any doubt is plain BS, I work damn hard for long stretches, but then I need to collapse, only there's no time around to collapse. Husb. and I don't allow it for ourselves or each other, we tend to swing from overmanaging things to no structure whatsoever.

Thanks for the hugs bec, I needed that and here's a *hug* back for you too.

Damn, Hope. Sounds like a good old fasioned "tension" headache. You get muscles spasms there and they won't last a long time but they hurt like they devil when they do it, used to drop me to my knees where I stood, the other sypmtoms sound like a panic attack quickly ensued.

Hope keep getting this out of you and if possible talk to hubs. You holding all this in is what is causing that pain and those reactions. Realize you are not being forced to make a decision that is wrong or right when you are faced with some choice. You make a choice at that moment for what is best for you and have faith in yourself. Remember no wrong or rights... You are tearing yourself apart with it right now.

As the day comes close to an end realizing how much you'all and this forum are helping me through what I've been going through. Have an inclination for the moment that what I've been feeling and even those thoughts of mine for solutions to it all, is not unique, not shameful, not failure...but rather shared experiences, and in it all somewhere is success. I mean my god, to have lived through what we have survived and then re-live it again and again...over and over, before we heal, we must be some really strong people. People to be proud of, and I for the moment, think and feel almost like a hero for cryin'out'loud, just for surviving so much lately.

So very appreciative for you'all for encouraging me to get it out, bc quite honestly most, if not all my life, I was unable, and sometimes unwilling to get anything out. Chiefly too bc who? Who you suppose to tell anything too? Always felt frustrated with the, "talk to someone suggestion," never for the life of me could I figure this one out. Who?

Well, thinking tonight that whereas I'm not speechless, and I'm not imprisoned within self, for the time, with all that Fear, that perhaps this is a reprieve or improvement. Now if only I will accept that today's no show's...and to make it worse no calls even...are o.k. given my reality. That I have nothing there either to be ashamed of. As I must say, if honest, that I'm certain that I did my VERY BEST today. I did it painfully slow, but I'm certain I did my best, and didn't hurt anyone. Still hurting myself with cigg's, as last month I had relapse there, but where's there is still life there is always hope.

Hey, and I Think I'll stop procrastinating and return to my devotion and place of faith and worship, as I've been not following through and living up to my expectations for myself in this area, of my life.

Sleep for all of us tonight' huh!

Thank you God!
Though I've found myself at some very dark times in relapse and having regressed in my spiritual beliefs, afraid and angry with God and later rejecting him, he understands all this and can and will forgive me.

Now you are talking Hope! You have done great and you are getting it out! Bravo.

yeh, probably that a panic attack...nothing to be ashamed of. I forget that I use to have these daily when I was triggered every few minutes or hrs. and didn't have a clue as to what was happening with and to me. Those are some of the most frightening times of my life bc all I could see at the time for solutions was self-punishement, unmercifully tearing myself apart, and reg. self-destructive habits and behaviors. Only relief I could find at this time was seeking and finding abuse. I remember craving to be punched in the stomach just to take away a gnawing pain, and I remember somewhat daydreaming and welcoming someone to come along and re-enact abuse that I might once again feel connected to my true self. Very scary thoughts and some actions. Glad this is a thing of the past. Panic attacks, and the rest, well so long as I know that I'm not uniquely the only one suffering and that I can have them hopefully in and in close proximity to home, and most importantly that one day they'll end and this almost invitational re-occurance of panic attacks and god knows what else to follow, all will end and serve a purpose of confronting, feeling, healing, re-evaluating and growing beyond my traumas, ...well then perhaps I can and should do this, no matter the embarrassement. Before finding help and discussing any of this I use to avoid many of my symptoms by avoiding my reality and masking it with denial, resentment, blame, fits of anger, irritability, general sense of hopelessness and that the world sucked, most people sucked and were clueless, and that whole faulty general sucky attitude of mine was people's fault, if only they were different...and on and on, and I'd struggle like hell to distract myself this. I've resorted to hrs. upon hrs. of complusive interactive comp. game play ect. and other stuff and all of which I had lost control of in some trance like state of mind....all just to run from and escape what's been buried alive in me, my trauma.

Veiled, thanks for your suggestions earlier in the thread too, I've been thinking and hoping that I should strive to routinely work them into my days. Self-care use to come so natural to me, in my adult yrs. it has been most challening. I've known how to drink, generally do know how to think, I know how to work like hell and get the job done, I know how to spend money, eat when a meals put in front of me, neglect myself and/or punish myself, but it's some of these very basic, simple other things I've found most challenging.

Wow, it happened again, just as I finished posting I saw you'd posted again veiled. Wow, your words are like magic to me right now, another words Very Encouraging! Awesome, and thx.

I am glad :) I am going to come back to your last post but since I have splept about 2 out of the last 48 hours I am going to try to go lay down... You know you don't sleep much when hubs says good night... I will see you tomorrow. Maybe if I hit him while still awake I can talk him into getting this kink out of my neck! Insomnia blows...

Hope,

First off...((((BIG HUGS)))) Sometimes your symptoms just get so overwhelming that you find yourself turning circles not knowing if you're coming or going. And from reading other's posts...I think we've all been there.

What you said about your husband expecting you to know what he needs and to 'step in' right away. I used to expect my husband to know what I needed and jump right up and help (be it kids, housework, laundry, etc.). We had some pretty nasty fights about him not 'being there' for me. One day he just looked at me and told me he couldn't read my mind and if I wanted/needed something that all I had to do was ask and he'd be there...but I couldn't expect it without me asking. I hadn't even realized that I was asking him to read my mind.

Maybe in one of those non-angry moments becvan spoke of you could tell him that when he needs your help, all he has to do is ask. Might be hard for him to ask (guy thing)-but maybe a code word could be worked out that means 'I need you'.