Couldn't respond to this any sooner as my mind was jammed packed full with 'state of the art' confusion, with emotions greatly in charge. ...but thank you, bec.


I have been punishing myself with this for many yrs., only briefly realizing that she's never going to acknowl. her abuse. But, always later thinking, well, perhaps it will be different this time...or with this happening (her near death in 2004), maybe she will now. Or, with all the help I've offered her, and with allowing her into her grandchildrn's life, maybe she'll appreciate it, know I have and want to love her, and knowing full well she doesn't deserve any of this...and perhaps will forgive me, acknowl. her abuse and apologize. Apparently, I had believed that she was intent. withholding acknowl. of it all so as to drive me insane and punish me for adding to her burdens by not pleasing and self-satisfying her, throughout her life.

What a sickening recall of the extreme self-centerdness and pathol. insec. which she exhibted, day in and day out, with at least 2 of the 3 of us girls. This I found most frustrating! Everything had to do with her, every statement was suppose to have been a dig, or an attack on her. It's true I did have resentment toward her and all, and she me, but far from every word, or movement or action reflected this as she was so determined it did.

I've been believing far too many misbeliefs and lies. Just one being that she is capable of seeing and acknow. abuse. She's Not! She's very mentally disturbed. It's not my fault! I didn't cause her mental illness, I can't control her mental illness and I could never cure her mental illness. Perhaps, she's not a monster after all', though I still have images of her being one. And, in no way am I suggesting that I'm blindly gonna' forget what I've learned again and allow her in to impose even greater dysfunction to our family and I. Mentally ill or not, there is really absolutely NOTHING about her that I like...I use to, just out of the womb, but not anymore! In all of this though, I do love her, and it hurts me when she suffers, bc she has suffered so much. But, the lie was that all her suffering was all my fault.

I remember when I was about 11 yrs. old, she went through a long spell of suffering enormous physical Pain. I can see her in my minds eye, she was 37 yrs. old, but crunched over forward, holding her stomach, screaming out and sobbing, "I'm in pain, I'm in pain, I can't stand this f'king pain. It's killing me! I wish I'd die! Please god, kill me and get it the fk over. Kill me! Please someone won't you have mercy. I wish I was dead!" I remember being home alone with her much of this time while she was suffering. She'd often take soak in the bathtub for hours.....Screaming and Crying! I remember I went in there a few times, and it was too too painful to watch. I tried to say something that would help, and believed I failed. I believed I should have been able to sit beside the bathtub, take her hand in mine and hold it, somehow to comfort her and I was too scared. To scared she'd turn on me, and too scared of her naked body. Whew! I remember lying to myself then about how awful, awful I was that I did not try harder to comfort her, or succeed. Where is this all coming from? Well anyhow, over time it was discovered that she had a gall bladder problem, or kidney, but not until after her boyfriend and her doctor, told her it was all in her head and that she was severely depressed and to seek mental health. She was hospitalized and her 'darling boyfriend illegally signed medical papers as her husb. so that she might receive electric shock treatments...and she did!

I could generally always see her boyfriend's selfish, manip. and ill motives in most everything he did, during those yrs. I tried to tell her at times, she'd hear and believe nothing of the sort. So I guess it's not my fault that I couldn't protect her from him either, bc I also deeply blamed myself, and felt responsible to accomplish this.

Excellent Hope. You are starting to look at this rationally instead of emotionally. Amazing how much we hold ourselves accountable for things we have no control or say over isn't it?

Well done, keep looking at this issue, don't stop now. You will find there is so much more that you are hanging over your own head surrounding this. It still suprises me sometimes, as I'll catch myself doing this..

This is programming for our childhood you know. Something driven into our heads that we then accept as reality but it's not.. Very well done.. keep going.. your starting to let it out..

Bec

Okay Hope, I'm gonna poke ya a bit here..

I realize you are not saying this is all the time but.... Your words are "almost always triggers" and "results in extreme emotion" also, you say "renders me temporaily 100% diblitated".... See these words are key words. They describe the issue at hand. The issue is this: these behaviours increase your PTSD symptoms. These behaviours have to change in order for you to have a healthy relationship. Has your husband read the guide for sufferers in the spouse section yet? I would suggest that you print it off and make sure he reads it.. then sit down and discuss these behaviours (not him, but his behaviours.. how he reacts) and what the does to you. Discuss different ways of communicating or behaving in these moments.

Do not attempt to ply me with "well he doesn't do it often" or "it was just an over-reaction" or anything else. I won't bite and I know better. I'm not saying you have an unhealthy relationship, only that this aspect of your relationship is unhealthy and healing takes two in a relationship.

I warned ya I was going to poke..

Bec

Hope, by the time I was gathered enough to get back to this you did a great job already pulling it apart yourself along with Bec. You are doing a great job right now and I know it hurts. But again you are getting somewhere and doing great! Keep up the good work.

I agree with you bec, that these behaviors increase my PTSD symptoms. Husb. has not yet read sufferers guide. As of yet, he has not once looked at this forum, even though I've invited and encouraged him too. I found and printed the guide out. It just so happens he got stuck for 8hrs. overtime today, which means he got up at 5am and will be working til 11pm and will drive for an hr. home. Worry much about him making it home safely, as struggles to stay awake while driving, we've all seen this and he tells me.

Best that I wait til tommorrow night or following day before asking him to read it. If it doesn't work out this weekend, next week might work well, as he was just notified today that he has been given 8 days FSL, in which he'll be home all wk. with me, while I recover from Mon.'s surgery and the kids will be in school. Did tell him when he called tonight that in a response to what I had posted, a guide specifically written for the family and loved ones of those suffering w/ PTSD, was recommended reading. I asked him if he'd please read it. He said, "How long is it?" I told him that it didn't really matter, but that it was very imp. and vital for him to read, as it was very informative for those families memb. living with PTSD sufferers and could be of much help to us, and that I needed his help on this one. He agreed, he would.

I'm glad I did not tell him that afterwards I'd like us to sit down and discuss anything, this would've frightened him. I know this, if it's consistent with a pattern which I've observed over many mo. and even yrs. Suppose there is always hope, but truthfully it makes me feel anxious to even remind him to read it in the first place. It's not like him to take that initiative to ask to read it and then when I present him with it, he's likely to respond with frustration and even anger, as whatever time I choose will likely be inconvenient for him. So perhaps I'll ask him to choose when he'd like to read it.

And certainly, it makes me feel anxious to discuss it with him (I'm still willing though), bc IMHO, and I told him this just the other night in proper context, that with all the abuse, neglect and insanity in my FOO, somewhere I learned, if only in my '12 step recovery' efforts, that I communicate far more effectively than he. Of course this was in the time-frame of our fight on New Years' Eve. ......


insert- [I'm afraid of his comments and response to it. If they show any signs of an unwillingness to understand or believe and trust, (Rejection) or simple ignorance, (Frustration) then I'm triggered, big time.]


......He had already given up his fight, at this point, in our evening from sheer exhaustion, and was mostly lying back listening to me vent. Otherwise our evening never would have ended. I'm not the type of person one can angrily disagree with after being abruptly unreasonable to me and unwilling to apologize and then expect me to settle down and forget everything for the evening so as to sleep. That is quite impossible for me to sleep after escalating into full-blown PTSD symptoms. He's amazing in that he could turn over and fall asleep in a moments time, regardless of what. I've wondered for quite sometime that if it was I who abruptly initiated the unreasonableness and insensitive BS, and upset him, if he would then be able to sleep so well. What upsets me the most about fights like that is yes, I later provoke fright in all my anxiety, but I would never reach this point if someone was working with me and reasonable. I can be unreasonably, Reasonable, if not thoughtlessly antagonized or provoked.

Now as I write this I find myself feeling frustrated and angry with my husb., which at this moment in time is unnecc., bc he and I have been doing our very best to communicate in the last few days through words and some actions (not sex) that in all of our 'FRUSTRATION' that we Love one another, want to stay together and work things out. So in my attempt to sort through some pain and confusion and be honest, I'm not in anyway wanting to be disloyal to him.

A couple of things that I have compassion for with husb. is that he has worked over 2 decades in a care-taker position with phys. disabled and MR people. He sincerely cares about them, and is quite effective and talented in his work. He works all day, 5 days a wk, now for over 2 decades as a care-taker. We have twins and then he has me, he doesn't drink is now alomst 1 mo. away from cigg's and must be burnt and fed up with caretaking when he arrives home evenings. I could on about his strengths and perhaps I should, so as to appreciate him more, but that's another subject.

Well anyhow, before I write another chapter, let me say, that if in anyway I've played around in what I've now written or ANYTHING, in the future, you bec and anyone else, knowledgeable and exp., can tell me so, bc I very much appreciate it. I've almost Never -(a strong word, but I believe it's used correctly in this case), had anything helpful pointed out, suggested, or even guided, ...or told anything by anyone who ever had any insight, knowledge and experience on much regarding me. And I believe that you bec and many, many members here, have all that it takes, (or will have), with much of their own honesty, education, time and healing to be of service and accurately reflect what the heck' is really going on.

You see, what's always been reflected back in my life has been most ugly. I have absolutely no tolerance of it anymore, and deeply appreciate thinking people.

I messed up again, tonight and allowed my kids to have egg nog in the livingroom with pizza, (knowing the rules) in front of a movie and then when my daughter spilled hers I felt so damn angry and she got so upset. Ya' I was able to apoligize to her sometime after, reassuring her that I was the person I was angry with, and that it wasn't her, and that it was my fault. And, I held her and comforted her and even asked her to say aloud that she didn't do anything wrong, but gee my attempt after the fact was something, but not good enough, bc I was the one who reflected back to her in the first place, over some stupid spilled egg nog, some stupid, angry, ugly Bullshit, that simply does not belong with her. I didn't persist on ranting and raving, but it really doesn't matter, bc it was sudden BS and as of yet, it seems, I'm developing a pattern of it, ie. my bullshit.

Books are good, Hope, as they give me a more accurate picture, so please stop apologizing for it.. I rather like it..

I'm very tired tonight so I will just say this till tomorrow..

I am SO PROUD OF YOU. You did really really good. This triggers anxiety for you and you are facing it calmly. Asking him to pick out a time to read it was a really good idea.. Always give a person control over their own decisions.. also hold him accountable to that time he picks (shy of a real emergency).

The rest I'll get into later. I'm glad this is helping and I'm very proud of you for your courage and commitment.

Bec

My triggers with husb.’s present comm. style…

• His negativity - What do I feel? loss, alarm/horror, famil., fear, agitation, alertn., care, attentiv., request., compet., boldness, complaint, rejection, hurt, negativity, loneliness, depression, despair, defensiv., frustr., embarras., fear and great anxiety of others controlling or antagoniz. destr. neg., lack of underst. of him, disgust, sadness, vulnerability, fears and feelings of having no control, failure, humil., angst, apathy, bitterness, hate, caution, and exhaust.

*Thought I would attempt to uncover how these triggers make me feel. As I look at feelings, I identify with so many that it now becomes apparent that all Negativity regardless of source, bombards, and sends me flat on my ass emot. Will take a look at some of my feelings regarding other triggers another time.

• His lack of willingness or ability and excuse of no time to listen to what I might have to say. *(In writing this I can see where I too do this with him now as I fearfully anticipate his ineffective approach to communicate.

• His BS excuses that someone is listening and doing so without any eye-contact or while walking out of the room, reading newsp., watching tv. ect.

• His blaming me for things beyond my control and things I have not done.

• His oversensit. to noise and his abrupt outbursts of frustration and anger.

• His unrealistically high expectations for kids and I.

• His lack of motiv., willingness to structure time and desire to go out and enjoy life with kids.

• His indiff. and lack of interest in any human touch or intimate eye contact, with our kids or I.

• His outbursts of frustration and anger when his sleep is interrupted no matter what the importance of him being perhaps only mom. inconvienced. (Selfishness)

• His irritability, and insinuation that there is something wrong with me, or the kids, bc he’s presently has set to high expect., stressed, lacking knowl., sanity, or common sense. (Others denial and dumping of their tensions) *(always follows if we get to close or want to be close to husb and for too long, or we ask him if we can talk, or comment that he’s clearly not listening. Well, my kids don’t when he clearly doesn’t listen to a word said, instead daughter is saddened and son becomes frustrated and angrily says something.

• His patterns of destructive criticism

• His offering out countless obstacles to the mere mention of achieving some goal, aspiration or dream.

• His displays of intent. defiance and or created techn. disagr. (when in fact we’re both in agreement) resulting from blame of & resentment towards me. (Nonsense)

• His both clear message and ongoing suggestions that I am to contin. to perform as if I’m of no value whatsoever and no more than an object, and not in a sexual sense whatsoever, (continuous Pressure and manip.) rather in a robotic sense of the word.

*…must accomplish this, than this, than that…must accomplish next task at hand. Reprogramming: there is no time for rest, relax., your interests….must head in this direction and complete this next or fall victim to my fears, anxieties, frustr. and resentm. Did not program exhaustion and sickness, must move forward…accomplishing this next and that. Do not understand need to program ’getting help’ or ’asking for help’…“there is none or, It is not necessary! A significant waste of precious time….carry on!”

Triggers in gen., which I may happen upon almost anywhere, and most times I suffer from and lose to powerlessness, and falling flat on my ass with.

• Negativity

• Frequent displays of selfishness and insensitivity, in the face of need or emot. pain.

• Any re-occurring chronic habits of reflecting selfishness, manip. and cruelty towards anyone you claim to love.

• Indifference, ie. lack of simple acknowl. of someones mere presence. (To ignore, silent treatment & self-absorption w/ self-pity).

• Other’s Ego - People telling me that they know what’s best, for me, others, and themselves when clearly they suffer much delusion and ignorance….and will only admit to it yrs. later after they’ve already made my life and others most difficult and have then grabbed hold of recovery for themselves, and have claimed, “Oh’ sorry, I didn’t know, what I didn’t know!” ….Well they would’ve if they had f’n listened to anyone other than themselves, learned and applied anything other then their own habitual and ineffective Bsh’t. (Arrogance & Egomania)

Repeated occurrences of all of the above cement in me that this shit will always go on for the rest of my entire life, I will never escape it and those people, and why bother trying….why bother trying anything good for that matter.

There remains a list of other such comm. that triggers me and I have little to no tolerance for. Tends to bring out my very worst feelings, that of hopelessness, terror, bitterness then hatred.

I value the privilege of having and sharing emotions, positive ones as well, if provided there is at least someone else around who seems to value people this and theirs too.

If I have no one around who has time for or gives one shit about feelings, and being, then I have and fear I must continue to say, ‘to hell with this part of me,’ as it’s proven far too much of an inconveince and frustration for others and is simply far to painful to feel alone. Not everyone values the need for emotions.

In addition, I value the opport. in life to be avail. to others who permit and accept their emotions. If others don’t say or express how they feel, I don’t mind read. I shouldn’t, but do assume that many don’t feel much or anything, as they simply have not, (past) and will not (present) talk about or express much, if anything, regarding feeling. The commun. involves much BS (ex: blaming, defensiveness, doubt, exagg. fears, personalization, frustration, pessimism, obstacles, lack of hopefulness, exhaustion, ect.) and pulls forth this same BS from me, which I otherwise would not be interested in had I not been driven near the edge or f’n insanity.

Everything but feeling! Damn It! Feeling, sensitivity toward others, lack of criticism and non-judgement is the furthest priority to most all those I met throughout my limited, oppressive, and isolated life.

Inevitably I end up feeling hopeless and repeatedly taught the same old f’n lesson: Why bother being, feeling, increas. learning, knowing and getting to know anyone, as I fear it will always end the same.

Some of the untruths I tell myself are:

All people are like this, ie. destructively, patterned and programmed robots…the truth is perhaps all or most I’ve ever known, but that’s few in comparison to the many.

And, though I’ve struggled like hell to stay alive in the midst of spiritual, death all around me, I’ve failed and though there is still hope, I am not uniquely different or superior.

And, though through most of it, I’ve kept my mind educated and always learning, gener. always willing to risk most anything that will help shed life’s most painfully impossible lessons and the rotten bullshit crammed down my throat, I’m still lacking vital solutions to how to live in this world (not the past and/or fantasy), and how to want to know and get along with the people in it.

Husband’s irritability, frustr. and anger I fear is apt to progress and intensify at anytime, despite his best efforts. I suspect that he has denied and surpressed much, having responded very passively at times and is now is struggling with his aggression. Perhaps we’re both clueless as to what assertive looks like. We don’t know!

I have to say that I think my husb. is trying hard to change what he see’s about him that is less than effective, but presently has no safe and educ. friends, family, advisor anyone to help him, or offer him support. And, of course he has something to do with going it alone. Calling anyone, sitting down to read anything helpful on any relevant subject, none of this is any of his priorities yet. He’s made it clear to me, that he doesn’t need help. And, he’s most clear that he hasn’t the time, for any of it anyhow.

My conclusion is that despite my best efforts, I’ve failed at ducking much ‘shit abuse’ slung my way, and simply now have far, far too many triggers, all stemming from years of captivity, exposure to (lets put it this way, less than good and effective ways of being; Combined with my own wrong decisions and sense of chronic powerlessness.

Now, I’m really not comfortable with openly taking my husb.’s inventory. So I’d like to point out that this is far more about how I learn and recognize my problems and triggers, cope and minimize stress, and not about creating and placing expectations upon him for change. As I’ve said it once before, I chose him in marriage as much as he chose me, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to run from him, to better suit me, unless I Must; If one day conclusive that I must separate for the sanity of All involved, well then I hope I would leave.

I must say hope, your giving me a chubby with the assertiveness flowing from you above, compared to you a short time ago. Damn girl.... high five for taking control of you.

Hope - All youve written above is indeed a lesson to me in clarity - you have penned an extremely clear picture of your thought processes and emotions and responses to your situation. I can Identify with the frustration you portray at your husband and your commitment to marriage. I have lived in a fog for a long time due to my husbands "no time for this" or emotional denial. Thank you for sharing this and helping yourself and in turn others. I have greatly learned from it. I need to read it again to actually acknowledge
the similar feelings I identified. Wishing you well. Hannah

i think we had the same mom. and i am so sorry.