Its funny you say that, as Kerrie-Ann said exactly that about me when she met me, in that I was like a switch. When I walked in the Army gates, the switch turned on to military, and nothing else mattered, work work work, completely focused. When I left, the switch went off, and everything that I couldn't handle came out... then suppressed through lots of alcohol and cigarettes. I knew it myself, but I thought it was a good thing to be able to do that.

When I gave up smoking end 2003, that is when things started to really get on top of me, being I couldn't handle everything anymore, my work performance decreased dramatically, and my life... alcohol got more involved to pickup for what cigarettes used to do... but still couldn't cut it. As you probably know, cigarettes are a known form of suppressing PTSD symptoms, being the nicotine that is.

Your right though, love is the key to it all. Love those around you, and they are the ones that help us through all this. I tell you what, I'm kinda getting excited for you now, with the EMDR so close... I'm looking forward to chatting with you after it, to see how it goes for your circumstances... It would be so nice to see you get a bit more from life, compared to what your past has thrown you. You deserve all good things... and you should know that.

Anthony:

Thank you for your kind note. You are sweet. I didn't realize cigarette smoking was connected to PTSD. I have smoked since I was 16. I tried to quit last August, and did so for four months. But I wasn't myself, and yes, had lot of craziness start surfacing. I have heard cigarettes are a "smoke-screen" for traumas, etc. I did drink quite a bit when I was married; however, my ex thought I was too good for him if I didn't. When he was off-duty (he was a cop) he wanted to "party." It didn't matter to him that I had a job also, and had to be to work in the mornings. And I, of course, being the naive, gullible person I was at the time, went along and drank with him. Drinking also helped me deal with the abuse, but it was keeping me from dealing with those traumatic events in my childhood. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I wrote a note to my husband at the time telling him I thought I needed to talk to someone, as I believed something was "wrong with me." After he read the note, he told me "over my dead body you'll see someone. There is nothing wrong with you, and you don't need to talk to anyone." So at that time I didn't. A few months later, I was hospitalized with acute depression.

I've never used street drugs. After the divorce I drank a bit, but within several months stopped. It seemed I lost interest in drinking. I dated awhile, and soon lost interest in that too. About 8 years ago, I started going to casinos and gambling. I got into that pretty heavy. Almost lost everything I had rebuilt. My doctor referred me to Gambling treatment, and I was involved with GA for five years. The gambling was an addiction which I found helped me "forget" everything. Last summer (2004) I started to go again; but found the strength somehow to stop - - - I guess I started recognizing the "signs" that I was heading into trouble again. So right now, I guess I cover things up with smoking cigarettes and working. It seems I keep my mind pre-occupied with my job 24 hours a day. I found out this summer when I was suspended for three days, this wasn't a very healthy thing to do. So I am trying to find other activities/topics to occupy myself with.

Tonight seems to be one of those nights I may be up all night. I'm not at all tired; in fact, I feel very hyper and awake.

I loved the pictures you posted; and I have talked to my brother this weekend. He is going to show me how to send pictures; so sometime during the next week, I may be able to send a picture of me and my precious dog, Kisha.

I have had a little time to talk to my brother about PTSD; the EMDR, and the fact that I have found this forum on PTSD. He said it is nice that I have found this forum; it is nice to be able to talk to people. He hasn't really said too much about PTSD. I guess he is trying to understand it better. But he is supportive of what I am doing. That is nice. The rest of my family doesn't have a clue as to what I have been going through. They know I have been distant, and somewhat troubled; but they haven't a clue. I know from past experience, if I try to explain, I will just end up in an argument with my mother. My mother is of the belief - - - Just don't let it get to you and get on with your life for crying out loud. I have accepted who my mother is. Years ago, my brother told me that my mother said to him and my sister "I hope to God you don't turn out to be like your sister." So, I think in some ways my mother considers me the black sheep of the family.

I was glad to see Evelyn, Alexander, and others posting. I hope to have the chance to chat with them more. Evelyn sent me some info regarding EMDR which was very helpful. I think she is going to be helpful to everyone who comes upon your forum. I am glad you started it. It sounds like Alexander and Evelyn are good friends to have.

I know you have been busy. How are you doing? Well, I hope. I sometimes think I start talking so much - - - well, I know I can get overbearing sometimes. It's just, I haven't had anyone I could relate to about PTSD. My friends/co-workers/family don't know what it's all about. And even I am still learning!

Well, I am going to "give it a break" now. Will talk with you again, and again thank you for your support. I hope I can do the same for you.

Kerri-Ann

I told Anthony that sometime in the next week, when I learn how to --- I will send a picture of me and my "Kisha". She is 10 years old, but still my little baby. She is mixed terrier and part dachsund. And sometimes I swear part human!

Hey Kay,

Yer, Evelyn and Alex are great. Alex had a gun accident, in artillery, where a gun exploded, literally, and tore through the crew he was part off. When I heard him explain the reactions of people during and after, I was a little shocked. Basically, nobody had a clue what to do, as it had never happened before. Most of them sustained injuries of some type, some minor, some major, but everyone survived... somehow??? It was all over the news here, as usual, which made it all out to be bigger than ben hur!

Here is a press release from Alex's accident, which gave him PTSD:

Don't you just love how the military have a nac for covering up the bullshit?

Yer, I know family and actual friends, do try and understand, but honestly, unless you live it, you don't really understand it. Actually, even when you live it, you still don't understand it, hence you and I are still both learning, and everyone else with PTSD.

One of our counsellors had PTSD which she gained from being within the concentration camps during the war... yes, she is fairly old, but an expert in pain, which you spoke with us about. She works in something that relates to PTSD, but still she struggles with her own PTSD on a daily basis. When she sat down for the first time, and told us her story before she began teaching us, we all paused, and had nothing to say, from the sheer shock that she was teaching us, and she also has PTSD! She is one very very strong women to continue like that, and she has been through just about everything that we both have, besides our unique life stories getting PTSD that is.

There are some amazing people in this world, and I'm only just starting to learn that myself. I am being strong because I want to move on, and by the sounds of it, you are also. It takes a very strong person to face what we have faced, learn about it, learn how to control it, and then try and live a semi-normal life and have friends again.

I hate the no sleep nights... they really suck. I am used to sleeping 4 - 6 hours a night nowadays, and that is good for me. When you speak with someone who doesn't have PTSD, they look at you and wonder how you function... but when you ask another with PTSD, they know exactly what your talking about, as its like we sometimes become afraid to sleep for the dreams and thoughts we know are going to happen. It is often easier to stay awake, than face that stuff asleep. I have punched my wife in my sleep before, and not even known it. I tumble, toss and turn, so she tells me, without any idea. I get waken, if needed, by my feet, as I'm likely to take a persons head off if they where standing beside me. This all sounds strange to most, but I have a feeling your sitting there, and knowing exactly what I'm talking about.

Well, I'm pretty shattered myself at the moment, so I'm going to go lay in bed for a while, and see if anything happens... like sleep! Goodnight Kay, sweet dreams are better than bad dreams...

Oh, as for the pictures, you just add them to your post when posting. You can't do it from the box at the bottom, but if you click "post reply", and you scroll down below the post box, you will see a button, "manage attachments", click that, click browse, find the photo on your computer, click ok, then click upload and wait. When the file is uploaded, it will tell you, and also show you the file icon, which you then click close, to close the window that opens, and simply submit your post. You must obviously have some words also, as the system requires you type a few words, too stop spammers. But that will simply attach your photo to the bottom of your post, which everyone else can then view.

Hi Kay,

That would be lovely if you can send us a picture of you both. Nothing like the love of animals or children, unconditional and straight up. Hope you are feeling a little better and finally managed to get some sleep. It seems to make a lot of difference even if you can only get a little rest. It is a cruel irony that people with PTSD use so much effort to suppress what their minds continue to see and replay for them at any moment but often when they sleep.

Anthony is right, he does toss and turn in his sleep. I usually wake when he is having a real bad dream, then I wake him, telling him it is okay. AND yes he has punched me in his sleep but only the once and he was so remourseful the following morning for something over which he had no control. Bad enough to have a horrible dream, horrible nights sleep and then wake up to find that you had socked your wife.

Anyhow better go get organised for work tomorrow. Take care of you, talk soon.

Hi all

Have had the flu the last couple of days. Starting to return to normal, though. Tomorrow is my EMDR assessment. I don't want to miss it. So today I stayed home from work and slept. Last night, with the high fever had lots of vivid dreams and nightmares. Awful. But I'm coming around. Will let you know how the assessment goes.

Anthony, read the article after Alexander's accident. No, I really don't trust what government says. Really have to be skeptical . . . don't know what to believe. There seems to be so much covering up. I am glad Alexander is okay.

Getting burnt out at work lately. Having behavior problems with one of the clients at work. We're working on it.

Wow, I didn't realize this forum was based out of Australia. Neat. I am in the United States. I don't know how I came to this website. I was looking up information regarding PTSD and came upon it. Anthony, did you start this up pretty much for people who were in war? Or is it for anybody? I guess I didn't realize how new the forum was. I think it very interesting to talk to you from Australia.

The other night, I think Sunday, I had panic attacks all night. First time for a while. I am wondering if it is because of upcoming assessment. Boy if that therapist only knew what kinds of problems she created in my life, and possibly others. At times I am relieved she is not in the area, so I don't run into her. I don't know what I would do - - - attack her? Run? I remembered the other night how after every hypnosis session I would cover my head. I wanted to run out of the room, but it felt like I couldn't move; like I was paralyed. She would keep saying "they" are making you feel that way.

Oh, I had my mammogram yesterday; and the radiologist said everything was okay, and "see you next year." Relieved again. My family was happy.

Kerri-Ann - I don't mean to chuckle; but when you explained getting socked during the night by Anthony, I remembered when I was married, and my ex being a cop - he was having a nightmare one night and he sat up in bed and pointed his finger at me as though he was pointing a gun and said, "freeze asshole." I waited awhile before I said anything to him needless to say. But it can be quite shocking can't it?

Well, I'm still a little weak yet, so am going to get to bed early. Big day tomorrow.

Take care and talk to you soon.

Kay

Yer, damn flu, I got it myself, and the little fella also. We had to get the ambulance out wednesday night, as he was struggling to breath, so they come and took him to hospital, gave him some steroids to open up his airway, and we brought him back home in the early mornings. None of us got any sleep that night. Should see a tired 10 month old on steroids... WOW... he had some energy for a tired little fella!

Yer, the forum is only very new, about a month old now, and it is for everyone. There is no specific type of PTSD that isn't welcome here... and quite honestly, the more the merry, as we all learn from each other in my opinion, and we all tend to help one another out to get a bit better. The forum is aimed for anyone with PTSD, spouses, family and friends of those with PTSD, so they also have some support with other spouses, friends off, etc etc. So no, its not just for war related people, but everyone. PTSD is PTSD to me, and I've already seen a wide variety of cases from soldiers, to air force, rape, abuse, vehicle accidents, etc etc. I know a few different methods in how people achieved PTSD, and talking with them all, its the same thing we all have.

That's why I made seperate forums for those who have PTSD, spouses, family, and then just one if people just want to join up and chat. Everyone is welcome here.

That's great news about the mammogram... good stuff. I often think how lucky I am to be a male at times, and not have to worry about so many issues that women tend to go through... especially that child birth thing! :) OUCH

Take care with the anxiety Kay... and I do agree, I think it is very much the lead up to the EMDR. I get exactly the same way a week or two before something big, that is going to impact me, or where I have to talk about trauma and so forth... anxiety kicks in well before it, even though I think I'm ignoring it, apparently I'm not. My wife tends to pick things up before I do... but I'm getting much better at picking myself up when getting anxiety or stressed.

Take care, get rid of that flu, as I am also trying to do, and goodluck with tomorrow. I look forward to hearing from you about the experience.

Anthony.
P.S. Big hug for strength tomorrow, I know how you feel.

Kay,

Congrats on the clear mammogram. My mum had bowel cancer years ago and it is a celebration each time she gets a clear bill of health. Just a quick post to wish you the best of luck with the EMDR assessment. I hope that it brings you some results to make life a lot easier to enjoy and I hope that you are feeling a little better with the flu. Take care of you.

Hi all

Went for the assessment. Before we even got started the therapist indicated she knew the therapist's partner; and in fact, rented office space from the therapist. Conflict of interest. So no assessment. She did give me the name of another therapist who does EMDR. I did call. That therapist is going to discuss with her colleagues the best route for me to take and get back to me.

I opened my mouth about a therapist. Now I'm paying for it. It might be a bit of a challenge to find someone who did not know that particular therapist. Or even a therapist confident enough to work with me. I'll hear something on Monday or Tuesday.

Anyway, got over the flu. It came on fast and hard. Took all the energy I had. But today, was able to go work out. Feeling much better.

Anthony/Kerri-Ann - I feel so bad about your son. I hope he is doing okay now.

I was going to get a picture on here today, but my brother is out for the evening. Will catch up with him tomorrow.

Don't have a lot to say today . . . Guess I'm still ticked off about the appointment yesterday. However, I should be relieved that that therapist said something before we got started. It's just that now I have to wait - - - again! And symptoms are increasing - flashbacks, anxiety, no sleep, nightmares, depression. It all stinks.

I'm working midnights again tonight. Being supervisor, if I can't find anyone to fill a shift, I have to work it. No problem, though. Can stay awake for hours on end.

If I can catch my brother tomorrow, will post tomorrow. Otherwise, talk to you soon.