Hi Mouse. Thanks for your reply. What is your real name. I hope that this forum can give me lots of advice and support. Thanks for reading my post.
Best Wishes
Scott

Hello Scott, welcome from a fellow Brit. I've only recently joined this forum and its a good place to be. You have my respect for being in the Armed forces. I dont think jo public has any real comprehension of what soldiers do. I'm glad to hear there's a treatment centre for you up there in Scotland, and that you've found it. Keep it going.

Claire

PS. Everyone seems to have weird names on here! Claire is my real name! How boring!

Scott, I have a rough idea mate of what is going through you head, and let me just say, the pain can be eased through reasoning. I have watched children die, been armed, and because or ROE not been able to engage, because the profile did not have enemy uniform. Very typical of ROE don't you think. I have pulled children out of drains, when their heads where cut off, or other body part, and worse again, but let me tell you something as I had to learn for myself, that it is not our personal fault that these people die, because the circumstances where out of our control.

Yes, you have to live with this, as I do with all my things, but survivor guilt is masked with a lot of fiction, not fact. Finding the fact is the important part, ie. did you shoot the girl? NO. Someone else did. Did you know that a sniper had you in their sights? NO, obviously not. Did you know that by bending over that the shot would instead hit the little girl? NO, you did not. You had no control in that situation Scott, and that is fact. There is a difference between thinking we know the facts and believing we know the facts. Its not about dismissing what happens in war, its merely about factualising what we can, and cannot control. Certain things are within our control in combat, most things are not. We do not control others, we do not control where others bullets fly or land, we do not control circumstances, we do not control the wind, rain or weather in general which changes velocity of rounds, makes our footing slippery even and a we move when the trigger is pulled... so many things we DO NOT control within combat Scott, and it is these FACTS we must work with, not FICTION that we tend to believe, hence we come home with survivor guilt.

Survivor guilt does not just stem from incidents themselves, it stems from your basic training actually. When you are trained you are rewarded as you go for doing good, you are punished if you do poorly or fail. When someone dies in combat, the ultimate reward is survival, being you get to return home with your life, but during so you feel as though you failed, because you lived and others died, and the military has programmed you during training that good is rewarded, poor is punished. This is where veterans begin to confuse the too, and the human mind knows that death is bad, it is not a good thing, so we associate our reward off survival mixed with death of others, and have now confused our very own training.

This is what survivor guilt is about... you got a reward of keeping your life, the little girl died and lost hers, instead of you, all of which you could not control, but you believe you did, or where in control of that situation, when in fact you where far from it.

Hi Scott, welcome to the forum. It wasn't your fault. Knowing a little bit about the area (and what went on there) I would venture a guess that the little girl was indeed the target and would have been killed no matter what.

Hi Scott here. Thanks for your kind thoughts, I'll remember it. I still find it hard to handle, I know that I was there doing a job, but I feel that we could have done more if it wasn't for the UN Blue Berets that we wore. I must admit that I lost my professionalism a few times, I was a Platoon Sergeant and I should have known better, especially in front of my men. They were just young lads, but they were a great bunch. They once stopped me from blowing of a Croat Soldiers head off with my pistol, by holding me down.
My CO just had a quiet word with me after that and he was ok about it, and he understood.
Cheers Scott
PS What is your name.

I'm new around these parts but felt compelled to address this:
"Because of my generosity, a young girl died."

Scott, because of a sniper, a young girl died. You were a victim of circumstance and she was the victim of a sniper who was trying to kill people.

The image you have to live with is haunting enough without you taking the blame for the image as well. We can't live our lives wondering if the next thing we do, voluntarily or involuntarily will result in a catastrophic situation. You were in hell and hellish things happened. Everyone has likely made a decision that resulted somewhere down the line in a terrible result because the nature of life is that one event causes a series of events to be altered forever. We can only do our best and leave some of it up to circumstance.

You have enough of a challenge just to deal with that haunting image without also beating yourself up for trying to do something nice for someone.

Hi Scott,
Yes, the bureaucracy of the UN is rather frustrating...
Name? I go by RD

Hi RD How are you.
Thanks for your advice. I just take everyday as it comes. Sometimes I feel suicidal. But I've got 2 young boys and a wife, and I could never do that to them. So I keep going for their sake.
Thanks
Scott:music:

Scott- Did you see the telly last night - Judge john ? the whole two episodes were about a soldier and his trial for killing under his professional umbrella - very moving and political --- "doing his job " is a profound statement but very true. Soldiers are only human too. Feel for you too mate.

Thanks Hannah, no I missed it unfortunately. But our boys are getting it from all directions now, even our own government treat us with contempt.
Cheers
Scott