There are times when I find myself mourning for my past life, before I ended up with ptsd. Anyone else find themselves doing this? The thoughts are a mixture of what if 's, why's, and if only's. Sometimes I'll see someone or something from my life before the trama and I just feel so sad. I think about how my life might have been if not for the trama and how much I miss the person I use to be. I guess it's a form of self pitty but to me it's more like mourning the death of the person I use to be-if that makes sense. I've accepted the fact that I may never be my pre-ptsd self again, and that's ok but it doesn't mean that I don't get sad over it at times. So for tonight I'll indulge in a little self pitty/mourning and tomarrow I'll wake up and remind myself it could always be worse, and how lucky I am for all the good things and people in my life after ptsd.

I think I do that too.... I miss my family members (3 of them died as part of my trauma), and I miss being physically healthy, being able to eat what I like and as much as I like... I miss the artwork I used to do, as it was very cheery and sweet, not like all the morbid stuff I do now. I used to have friends too, I was outgoing... I miss sleep too lol. Like sleep without nightmares.

I've never thought about it as mourning the person you used to be but I suppose yeah, it's a kind of grieving. I'm starting to like the person I am now though. My surviving relatives still adore me, so I can't be all that bad.

Hope you feel better in the morning!

I hear you about the mourning. It's so painful, but it's part of the process. I believe without mourning, we can't fully heal.

I have a hard time allowing my self to be sad. At times, I am afraid that if I feel my felings that I will be overwhelmed by them and end up back in the hospital. Sometimes I try and convince myself that the losses and experiences don't matter, that's not a big deal. When I find myself saying, "whatever" or it doesn't matter in reference to past stuff or in giving responses in the present, it's a huge flag to myself that I have feelings pending underneath. I have had to learn the hardest of ways that it's worth it (I am worth) feeling the feelings... and that they won't kill me... but then I feel and I don't combusted or implode. Not fun at all, but it does get better (God, I never thought I would say that, and more so, ever believe it!!!!!)

Yeah, I do sometimes miss the person I was before, but now more than ever I realize that I was too naieve back then, and that really contributed to not being able to cope with what I went through. I miss not being able to be comfortable in a crowd, and I miss not being so sharp-witted. I know it does get better, because I see snippets of myself coming back through, but I do miss being so...happy with not knowing what's out there.

But when those thoughts get hard to handle, I remember the lyrics to one of my favorite songs... "We feel the pain of a lifetime lost in a thousand days, but through the fire and the flames we carry on". Then I can put the past in the past and accept myself for who I am now.

batgirl- Thank you, it's nice to know I'm not the only one, I lost so many friends too after my trama and find myself less out going. Maybe it's good that your artwork is morbid because it's a way of self expression and getting rid of some emotions-I'm jealous because I'm an artist and I have only been able to draw one picture that involves my emotions with my trama. I'm glad that you like the person your becoming, I admire your strength.

nov silence- I understand your fear for allowing yourself to feel the really hurtful and sad feelings. It's hard but, it does seem better when we allow ourselves to feel that pain and get out some of the emotions that go with it. Even though I know things get better, it's nice to have someone remind me when the road gets a little bumpy.

Eagle3-So many things that you said hit home with me. I was young and naieve as well when I experienced my trama, which is why it took me so long to accept what happened. I too miss being comfortable in a crowd and being able to be happy with out knowing. At times ignorance really can be bliss. Thanks for the words of encouragment-I sometimes think of what my grandmother always says "this too shall pass" when I get really upset.