Okay, been a train wreck lately. Dropped my youngest off at a birthday party and had to scoot from anxiety (kids throwing darts.. had to get out of there) so I decided I would go to Tim's and get a sub and eat.. in public by myself.. I get in there and the military jerk off (that beat my son and I) is sitting there.. I kept breathing, breathe breathe breathe... Got my sub.. he was staring at me the whole time.. by the time I hit the door I was almost running..


Remind me that you are not all bad guys again??? You know, I keep wondering if I move, if it will help.. I would be away from where I am constantly in fear and being threatened.. (and Anthony.. do not dare suggest near a base!!) I might go look and see if I can find that stupid black hawk down movie.. not that I want to. but today was a reminder that I need to get past this and lose my fear of said jerk off...

bec

Well I searched for black hawk down, our sad little town doesn't have it.. only one store that even sells movies and that's walmart.. I did try though.. Felt like I was going to pass out just looking for it.. man ancitipation can kill you, so instead I found Nightmare on Elm street 2 and 3, which are trigger movies from when my cousin tried to kill us when I was six. I'm not sure If I will watch those tonight or not.. had a rough day. still not taking the ativan.. being stubborn and just want to work through these damn things..

thinking about going out but that would probably send me over the edge too. only two bars in town.. one jerk off goes to, the other my son's "i'm gonna kill" you father hangs in.. umm yeah not a good idea.. specially since I have no one to go with.. ya know, this is the problem with isolating oneself? when you do want to drag your sorry ass out, you have no one to go with!

Right at this second.. i wish I had a big burly chest to curl up and.. where the hell that came from is beyond me.. but hey. that's what I want.. just not getting it.. LOL

okay shutting up now..

bec

Bec, you don't need the reminders, you know that. Move next to a base nope to that too! Leave freddie in the boxes tonight. Why stress yourself when you are already at a heightened state??? Relax. Find that pup with the silly boots running around curl up and watch a comedy or something funny to lift your spirits, and maybe drink one too to give you an extra giggle. OK, the cousin thing I must have missed somewhere. Damn I try to keep up.

Big burly chest came from your new single status and a good sign ;)

Ugh, so how much of that sub did you eat? Talk about losing your appetite.

I only ate about half of it a couple of hours later.. I'm thinking of trying the other half in awhile. I'm damn well going to disappear if I don't start getting food down my throat. i'm losing weight way to quick here..

Hehe, I guess I can crave a nice burly chest now, can't I? I've been alone for 7 months, but the whole status thing.. you know. you just don't think about it.. it's kinda nice to know I can think about and not be a bad girl if I do.. LOL

I'm pushing too hard aren't I? Okay, I will try to find something "nicer" to watch.. does fraility count? that is supposed to be a good movie (yes I love horror and action. forget stupid comedies with this girl)

I do need reminders.. the thought of that profession, a military suit.. anything sends me over the edge.. we don't have military guys here normally.. I think jerk off is the only one I've ever been near.. the thought of being near a base just makes me shudder.. glad the closest one is pet and that's around 20 hours away. hah.

bec

Becvan, hello I'm ranger2_75 or just ranger, I will answer to just about any three or four letter word too! Ask wildcritter she's married to me, Nam could probably tell ya a thing or two also, as could veiled. Any way you called I came. I can asure you that not all millitary persons are undesireable people. If you decide to watch Black Hawk Down please grant those boys the benefit of the doubt, watch it in rememberance of my lost brothers as much as for self help. Nine of the eighteen men killed that day were brothers of mine. I have fond memories of them all. I cryed for two days after I finally made myself watch it, I had already read the book. It took me about six weeks to get through it. Any way, I am around though I dont do much posting lately. I've been just trying to keep going, just like you need to. I hope you can remember that some of us were good people, at least at some point in our lives. I hope that I may be of asistance to you in the future.

Hi Ranger, nice to meet you. (how did we miss meeting before? lol)

Actually I think that little bit of personal info might help more than you know. I've seen the movie before, but got ummm let's put as "domestic episodes" during before and after that movie.. so in my head, I still hear him screaming at me, throwing things, hitting etc.. not the movie per say.. so when and if I ever find a copy of that damn thing.. I will use the fact that these were real people and were your freinds.. to try and ground myself through the flashbacks.. thank you for sharing that. It means a lot to me...

bec

Bec, yes you are pushing too hard at this moment. I also have the movie trigger of The General's Daughter. I have not watched it in a while and won't. Too many other things right now. It was not the movie even though it has rape scene, but the fact I was attacked during it. What a wake up call that the screams in the movie (I thought I mean) were not there but my own.

But also, I have to admit during Thanksgiving I was triggered hard as a anniversary and was so jacked up I was just unreal mad. But I had it in my head I had to go trip that trigger further. Oh lord the flashback was intense, emotional, and just a trip all the way around, most intense flashback ever. But it brought things I had not remembered in 13 years. I had emotions I remembered and pieces I remembered but when I threw myself in it I saw (literally) it all over, felt it... Things I had not recalled came back. Things that were more disturbing than me just dying that night. But I also had someone to catch when I crashed. If you choose to do it make sure you have a person to care for you. I know I was so messed up from the trigger of dates I was sick as a dog but no one could stop me facing it and forcing it anyway. I was ready and my mind and body screamed do it now, so I can't knock those thoughts all the way. But I will push do NOT be left alone afterwards.

Oh comedy nut here (slapstick and satire and a half)

hi Bec,

I read an article here on the forum of Anthony's last night. You may have read it also. It's the cup full or running over info on PTSD. When you get to the part about our soldiers (of any country) they are training to be "scarey" and to intimidate, to kill, etc.
ranger has PTSD. Life is not always easy to say the least. He's a good man. To those who don't know him, he is "scarey" & "intimidating", etc. Not to mention he's 6 ft 1inch tall & 250 pounds of man. Now add to that just a touch of a temper (ok more than a touch) lol & u see what I mean about "appearances of a soldier." ranger is who is, but a good man deep down inside a very loving & caring person that was extremely torn up over the crap that he had to do as a soldier.
You should see him with kids, animals, people needing help, etc he's gentle, caring, gentleman (old fashioned in many ways--especially for his age).

Even a ticked off horse (of a 1000+ pounds) which I am use to handling, is almost a match for him when he's angry. He's never hit me. He's yelled, etc but I know he loves me. He talked to me & told how to wake him in a night mare so I don't get hurt. Once I woke to him crying, he said he'd nearly hurt me while I was asleep. He wanted to leave for my safety. I told him NO. I
know he would not hurt ME. That was a couple of years ago.

So maybe I just got super lucky or maybe I'm scarey right back :cuckoo: (lol).

Not all soldiers are bad. Just the same I also know not all are good guys.
They are trained to be bad.

sorry for the motor mouth....

Take Care & hugs to you.
D (wildcritter)

Veiled: you put tears in my eyes.. you get it.. omg you get it.. it's so hard to explain that trigger.. you get the biggest assed hug ever lady...


Wild: lol that just sounds so sweet.. you know that stupid spouse thingy.. my eyes glaze over the second I see combat (hell anything that says combat.. i just space out...) so I haven't actually read that part yet.. i will go back and reread it.. I wonder if that is why I have issues with cops? I'm going to keep that in mind, about the trained to be scary part. You and Ranger sound very sweet! I'm glad you have each other and glad you are both wiling to share and help me open my mind past my fear here..


Anyone got any ideas on where I can find that bloody movie? Is there somewhere to download it or something?

I did watch that stupid fraility movie: if you have ever been locked into a hole or a basement.. do not watch this movie. Other than that part it was rather good... thankfully that is a minor trigger since I don't remember much . LOL

bec

you should be resting... wait me too. Hugs back sweetie. You deserve some.