It's hard to remember but, my childhood trauma started about 3 (seeing my dad die) & then starting at age 6-13 molestation by my grandfather. And of course there was the physical abuse by my mother until I was 16 & put in a foster home (where I got raped). So, I decided to join the military (raped again) & the list just goes on & on. But, I used to faint a lot when I was a kid, hyperventilate, & dissociate - maybe those were all symptoms??

Ok, maybe that explains Brian as well. Though I don't get it either.

Could it be something to do with being in the forces? the training and/or being male too. Just not opening up and talking about stuff? Was Brian in the forces? Just wondered if after training you are better at closing off to emotions but you still get them, the way you deal with them is different?

Yes Claire, Brian was in the military. There are certain aspects of our training, the military lifestyle and attitude in general that can set a man up for problems later on. I'm sure being male and not talking or expressing oneself adequately contributes also. So perhaps that's a partial answer, thanks for your input.

Claire, the military instills some of the symptoms of PTSD in all soldiers during training as they are requisites for life saving skills, ie. hypervigilance, alertness, awareness, etc etc.

I was an angry 6-year-old that grew into an angry violent teenager and then an angry (but not so much violent) adult. My first symptom was probably earlier than my earliest memory.

I guess my experience is different from most people's though. What, c-ptsd as opposed to ptsd?

I think the difference was that C-PTSD is when the person has a long length of trauma due to a long period of abuse or torture. I could be wrong about that one.

Myself I can not remember when I stated showing symptoms. By the second grade I'd become a quiet shelled up child who was too afraid to speak and would break down into tears if I was merely touched. My Aunt told me that my mother found me crying after I got dirt on my hands and wrenched my arm out of its socket as she tried to pull my hands to the sink. That would have to be before I was 5 and my aunt also described other symptoms that she did not realize was anything wrong until much later in life. As far as I can remember I've always been this way. *shrugs*

jaa ne

Kat

I have had to live with Complex PTSD from a very young age. My childhood experiences have been compared to that of a concentration camp. Through years of therapy, support and self help I manage my life well. However each time I enter into another stage of learning I am reminded of some of the limitations I live with as a result of my childhood. These limitations are often rooted in concepts that I did have the priviledge of learning.

I was physically and mentally abused by both parents until I ran away from home at 17.
I tried to commit suicide by walking in front of traffic at 9 i think.
I was hit by a car and woke up in ER.
I had to fight 3 muggers 2 summers ago and then I started to really change.
I lift weights for strength against attackers.
I just went through 4 weeks of trying to make some money for Christmas for my wife.
I sold three fairly good priced paintings.
Still not enough, though.
I then began to start reliving childhood beatings. I was in bed screaming tying to protect myself from my father's belt buckle.
I am now seeking help in an adult men's therapy group.
I am less than optimistic however.
I can talk about this stuff until I'm blue in the face, and it only makes me feel more hopeless.
I think most therapy is ok for most people, but It just doesn't help me.
I have been to a shrink.
He would actually fall asleep "listening" to my problems.
I expect no empathy from anyone, and certainly no healing anymore.
I'll just have to tough it out I guess.
Thank you all.
It was helpful to read your stories.

Age 10-14...fathers sickness and ultimate death
15- violent sexual assault and attemped smothering

15-17- really bad depression...I think.

17-30.....functioned pretty well but made bad choices....poor self esteem most of the time. Allowed a lot of people to walk all over me. Schoolaholic and workaholic.

31 - Complete breakdown - Full PTSD ( After my signifigant other...at the time...his father developed a brain tumour and we took care of him (this was ultimately what my father died from) HUGE reminders...because I had a close relationship with him..He died and I fell apart (after doing palliative care nursing) The reminders were too much...because my emotions took over at that point.