Back in December I answered this poll and expressed that my PTSD did not affect the way I socialize. I was very wrong.

Even though I do not socialize with people in person, I socialize here with people. It has become very very apparent to me recently that I do have no social skills. I do not know how to talk to people or express myself in the correct way.

It seems that I often say inappropriate things and really have no clue when I say them that they are inapproriate. So how does a person learn to manage this or learn the proper way to behave around people?/

A

Hi Grama-Herc

I know it must be hard but practice is what you need and you won't get that here online when you can't watch a person's facial expressions, reactions, tones and body language in response to what you have said.

Is there someone who you can practice with face to face? Perhaps a new goal for you is getting out and socialising with someone in a safe and sheltered environment?

ConnieAnn...I moved your post to Introductions so you can get some answers to your questions about your situation.

The only time in my life that I could socialize was when I was drinking and drugging. I could socialize you right out the door. HA HA... I was probably the only one really enjoying my company.

Oh, god yes. Most of the time I feel like a freak, esp. around other people...or at least I think they must think I am. And I act that way. If I'm coming out of the restroom here at work (this just happened is why it's on my mind) & a co-worker is going in, I jump about ten feet, put my hands out like I need to fend them off and let out a yelp, "AAHHH!". When I'm going down the hall, I hate when someone is coming the other way because I'm so tense and self-conscious and...just weird. When I have a meeting down at another building, I don't walk along the main thoroughfare, I walk behind buildings and through parking lots - I joked (although it's not really funny) with someone that I act like I'm in enemy territory - slinking and lurking around the backs of buildings to avoid people. I'm anxious pretty much all the time, in varying degrees, whenever I'm around people. I disappear inside of myself when people can just observe me; I HATE being observed (thus my sort of serpentine path to meetings). I act different all the time; no one can ever count on me being the same. I hate it; I can see the confusion sometimes with people when I'm just so different one time to the next. I can't count on me being the same. I change drastically according to my stress level. People with whom I interact via email/IM think I'm this funny, quippy, outgoing person, but then when they meet me face-to-face, I'm the complete opposite: shy, self-conscious, brittle, avoidant. Strange. UGH.

Jeez, it's depressing to actually put it all together in a lump like this.

I don't remember a time when I was not affected by my past, so I can only really compare it to the people I see around me.

In my thirties, I'm now finally working. I can interact ok if I put on a mask but I tend to dissociate quite a bit when triggered. This year has been particularly difficult and I've had to withdraw somewhat to work through things and regroup. I've been quite antisocial this year and I have to force myself to see friends once a fortnight or so. I do not want to repeat my twenties.

I find shopping and going out quite stressful. Going to the mall triggers a lot of dissociation and anger and depression, so I go there only on good days and it takes me quite a few hours to calm down again when I'm home - longer if I saw anything really triggering, like angry mothers or distressed children.

Crowds make me extremely tense and I have to bite down on the anger if anyone bumps me. I'm often hypervigilant in those circumstances. If I'm in a cafe or restaurant, I always try to sit with my back to the wall. I HATE people walking behind me and I feel angry and distressed.

I can't tolerate being around loud noise, such as live music or jackhammers. I get really tense and angry and leave as quickly as possible.

There's other stuff, but those are the main things which affect me. I've become a bit dissociated from picturing those things and writing them down.

It is a difficult thing to learn, and I'm still learning. Most of my social skills I've learnt in my thirties. In real life, I've learnt by watching what other people do and say, and then I practice by copying, eg how to say thank you and how to make basic small-talk. It feels very awkward to start with but it gradually becomes auto-pilot.

If you don't interact with people in real life, then perhaps TV could be a first step. I was thinking something you could watch and learn from - maybe children's shows (eg something like Sesame Street) because people are polite and respectful and supportive on those shows, and they're about teaching children basic social norms. Drama and soapies are probably not helpful because... they are all about drama and tension etc.

I think Nicolette's suggestion is also good because practice is important.

I'm new so I haven't seen any examples of you saying inappropriate things on here. However, I thought that this post you wrote was polite and respectful - so at least some of the time, you have social skills that you can build on. Perhaps watch what others consider inappropriate and what they consider appropriate on here and try to get a feel for it that way.

However, I think this forum could be a bit tricky to learn general social skills from because someone may get triggered from what you write, even if it is appropriate in other contexts. I'm on several other forums and the culture on each is quite different, so I've had to learn different forms of behaviour for each one, by watching and learning.

I like the suggestion about watching TV, maybe kid shows, but my problem isn't something they can fix. I really don't realize when I say this stuff. It is almost like I get w--a--y to sensitive, and then my unthinking mouth takes over and then before I know it I've stepped in it again .

I don't feel like I'm even participating much at all in society. I stay home, I have no bank acct, no drivers license, no job, no real identity on the map of society as I used to know it... I used to be a very independent self sufficient career person and single parent. Everything has changed in the last... oh, 7 yrs.. some of it gradually in my case.

Yes, I find groups of people harder to deal with. I'm more hermit like and prefer one on one. I'm fussier about noise as it really bothers me and increases my stress level. It can be hard for me if there is more than one conversation going on around me. And, I need more sleep and down time than most, so if I've been around people all day I need the evening to myself.

Of course it does. I myself am always waiting for the "bad guy" to pop up. Because I KNOW violence can happen as quickly as a summer storm. You could be dead before you were even aware there was a problem... note the awful success of that guy in TN at the university and the mall thing in NB. I really believe that I will never get caught out like those poor murdered folks; I didn't survive 7 years of rape, torture, and violence just so some shmuck could gun me down in front of the Gap. So I watch people. I listen to what they say. I read their emotional weather. I understand body language. I pay attention. Lots and lots and lots of attention. And no one other than my father has ever laid a hand on me or committed acts upon my person. I, unlike very many ptsd sufferers, have never been re-victimized. Don't ask me how, because I'm not sure. Probably because what my father did to me made me more like a predator than like prey. I nearly went down that road- the one where you become what was done to you. People were afraid of me, though they didn't know why. I knew why- because my father trained me to be able to do the things he did. Anti-social personality disorder, anyone? *sarcastically dripping tone* Anyway, I have strayed from the topic, but a great question. And I want to add that I would much rather have the nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, and depression than to have turned out like him. red