I've heard anxiety described as your warning system not switching off. I feel like I can't trust my instincts and my emotions anymore. One part of me says, you can trust people, not everyone is like what you've experienced. The other part of me is saying, "Are you nuts???" and the conflict between the two creates MAJOR panic. There has to be someway to fix this, I can't take this forever.

The trust thing is a hard one. I think it goes along with the healing thing. It doesn't happen all at once, but you can get there if you work at it and have some good people to help you along the way.

i totally get that. this is what i have been forcing myself to do: recognizing that there is not going to be some magical day where it is easy, where i feel good around people. i was honestly kidding myself (sometimes still do) that it would go away. and in recognizing that this is where i am, pressing through it to be with other people. sometimes i find peace in pressing through and sometimes i have to turn back. but the more times i do it, i think i will have enough strength to stay longer with people. i sort of picture it like a pin ball machine: sometimes the push is not enough to get the ball all the way out, and it just rolls back down to start. and sometimes it's a hell of a turn and the ball hits the jackpot. but we have to keep trying.

i also am recognizing the difference b/w control and trust.

maybe you can relate? i know this is so hard.

OMG. . .

does me starting to trust people, especially guys, mean I'm starting to heal *promptly faints*

That is so true, PTSD does damage your truts meter. I have always been told that I am naive because i tend to want to see the good in everyone, that there are two sides to everything, etc. And yet in my personal life, trust is very hard to get to. Love is similar. The only people that I completely trust and love are my children.

And yet, I dont want to become a bitter and twisted person who can never trust anyone. For me, trust is less about the actual behaviour of others than a general statement about life; life is good, people are good, people should be trustworthy. To not believe that is giving in to the PTSD.

So trust for me is really a personal stance rather than a reaction to others. Trustworthy people trust, and i cling to that desperately. To me its a principle; i'd rather be a trusting person than live as a suspicious and bitter person. Its too bad that so many people arent trustworthy, but they live in their own personal hells. I wont let those people make me disillusioned about the general goodness of humanity.

Trust meter? What's that??

bec

Sooooo....you just have to take the time (lots of time) to allow that person to prove they are trustworthy and for you to learn to trust them.

But how do you know when you're just being stupid and naive?

Trust is built upon five things:

1. Intent
2. Competence
3. Consistency
4. Honesty
5. Benevolence


These five things are the foundation of trust. It takes time to learn whether the people in your life have these five things to the point that you can trust them. I use this as my gauge for whether my trust is misplaced or not. When in doubt, go to this list and put all of the actions and words of the person into these categories and check list of how many don't fit. That should help you make some healthier decisions.

bec

Cool. Can you expand on those categories a little bit? Thanks in advance.

No problem. I will give examples.

1. Intent: I will use my mother for this one. She says something nasty about my meds. Now was her intent to belittle me and make me feel less than so she feels better or was her comment out of ignorance from a lack of knowledge? (in my mother's case it would be feel less then). Also say it's a man: he offers to buy you supper. Is his intent to buy you supper because he wants to give you something and get to know you or is his intent to buy his way into your pants? See how that works?

2. Competency: We well go back to the buy dinner example. Is he able to buy you dinner? Can he afford it? Or will you get stuck with the bill? Back to the mother example. Does she know anything about meds? Is she able to determine what is healthy or not? Is she a good or lousy parent? (remember past behaviour predicts future behaviour... if she was a lousy parent in the past.. no one waved a magic wand and made her a better one now.. therefore her "information" would be coming from the lousy end.. which means she is incompetent.)

3. Consistency: We will start with the mother example again. Does she commonly make nasty comments like this? Have you told her it's hurtful? Does she keep doing it anyways? Does she disregard you on a regular basis? (you can switch that around to does she regard your feelings? or does she rarely make those comments.. etc.) Again, use past behaviour to predict the future behaviour. With the dinner date: this one is a bit tougher.. let's assume that you've had no previous knowledge of this person. So.. how did they ask you? Did you feel it was more of a demand? Do you know anything about past relationships of this person? Is there a whisper of a bad history? Was the dinner specific? (not one of those.. I'll call you sometime bullcrap lines) etc...

4. Honesty. Okay let's go to the dinner date. Was it an honest question or was he just stringing you along? Is he honest about his intent for the dinner? (you have to ask though.. LOL) Was he honest about his marital status? etc.. back to the mother example. Is she honest about her intents with the comment? Were her comments honest in nature? (as in did she make up stuff to make her comment seem more believable) How often has she lied to you before? How often has she not? Does she live in a world of denial or can she admit to her wrongs?

5. Benevolence: Okay there is a slim difference between this and intent. This is what I consider behaviour as a whole instead of behaviour concerning that one incident. This is where you take a good look at that persons past behaviors. Are they helpful? Are they nice? Do they usually do things to help others? Or are they the opposite? Do they have a nasty reputation? Do they usually only think of themselves? Consider their actions and words as a whole with this category. Remember, if they are nice to you but a jerk to the world.. it's only a matter of time before you get the jerk side yourself. (this is a common mistake made by many people.. well they were nice to me.. )

Don't be afraid to add different things to your list. This is just a basic list for determining trust. You have will have your own points that make your trust issues unique. I hope that helps some. If you still would like me to clarify further or anything to do with this at all.. let me know.

bec