Hello All,
You have all said what I was just feeling and thinking. I'm exhausted from carrying the load. It's lonely too. I haven't been hugged for a long time. He'll go in streaks where he can be affectionate and then it is a long dry spell before he can get back to that. What is prompting that? Something I do? I just love it when he criticizes something I'm doing yet he can't get off the couch to do anything? I swear I want to just explode but I don't...I'm afraid I might. Well, we are in this together and as usual writing helps but it really helps to know you are all there finding ways to deal with this too. Good luck all and hang in there!

Hi All

A big cyber hug to u all! I must be lucky because my hubby still is affectionate with me so I'm enjoying it while I can!
Hubby did say that while he was on avanza he didn't feel like hugs that often but since he's on efexor he said that he feels closer to me again. Maybe its the meds stuffing with their ability to "feel" close to us, I dont know?!
Hope everyone is taking time to do something that makes them smile.

Hey desert4now,

I too am one of those spouses who isn't on the receiving end of too much intimacy. If you understand it please enlighten me. I know some of it is to do with the PTSD (emotional intimacy which they are generally not very good at) but in my husband's case I think it is also part of his makeup. His family are not what you would call very affectionate or very close for that matter. I am the opposite, my family always do the hugs, kisses and 'I love you's' which makes it awful hard on me sometimes. If you're having a long spell, honey I am in drought!!

I would like it to change but I really don't know if it will and to that end I sometimes wonder how do you live like this for the rest of your life? It could be fine for others but I tend to be an affectionate beast and the only one who really gets that in our house is Alexander (the toddler) and the cats - rejection is never to far away otherwise and sometimes my heart just can't take it. I find that it has less visible emotional impact if I just don't put myself out there, which of course is contributing to our drought.

I suggest that if the person with PTSD is willing to work on their emotional relationships it could be resolved and that I think is the key.......like anything that requires healing, you have to be willing to do the work. Perhaps, they get to a point where they are so damn comfortable or comfortable in their discomfort that emotional intimacy is just too confronting. I imagine that it would be, in some ways, the worst part of their journey because they not only have to confront their own emotions but be prepared to be confronted with someone elses as well. I don't know that I have shed any light on it for you but at least you know that you are not alone.

Hi Kerrie-Ann,
We just finished a big move...again and I apologize for being out of touch.

I too am an affectionate person. My family is very affectionate and say "I love you", hug, kiss, smile, are friendly....you know..NORMAL!!!! My daughter lives with us and her and I hug all the time because, right now, we are all we got! Hubby has shut down. His family is also not very close or affectionate so I really can relate to you.

Hubby has new job, we are back in the Midwest, and closer to home, family, and friends. Before we left our previous location, hubby kept saying, things will get better after we move. Well, once I found us a place to live, put everything away and organized our life again, got my daughter back in school...its not any better. In fact, I think he sunk even further. I had to do everything and he just sat there and didn't move...didn't even act like he felt the least bit guilty! OH so frustrating!! But you know, I would do all the work again if I thought he would come out of it ...even a little. My daughter notices it now and says things like she's not going to get married because all men have issues they can't deal with (her dad's an alcoholic and now step dad has PTSD..boy can I pick them!). Ugh! When is it going to get better and when is he (they) ever going to see how this affects everyone else in their life?? I know he doesn't want to be this way..but why not try to get better? He knows he has PTSD but just won't get help.

Sorry I'm ranting but I needed to. When will it ever be about me? What is it in me that somehow attracts men with these difficult issues? When will I learn??

How do you do it everyday?? What keeps you going??

We will be doing that next week. Thank god it is just down the road!!

Yeah, this drives me nuts about my husbands family. This weekend his brother is having his 40th birthday party and nobody thought to invite us!! We ended up paying more than we should have for airfares, to fly Anthony up to Brisbane to surprise his brother. But I just don't get it. My family just wouldn't do that, simply because they would be busting their butt to see me and the family. I'm not saying it is wrong, well wrong for them anyway, they are comfortable with it. Still drives me crazy though.

As hard as it is to believe, I think they do see the impact on those around them and it just adds to their guilt and burden. That doesn't excuse it mind you, I am not big on allowing PTSD as an excuse. I'm with you on this one, if they know they have PTSD and its impacting on others then its get the hell of your butt and do something about it. Different story if you don't know that you have PTSD. Have you told him to get off his butt and do something about it?

Ranting is good. Go hard, releases stress, makes you feel better, doesn't add to the home conflict.

I struggle, somedays, as does every spouse. I am getting a tougher shell, working on my own self-esteem, have learned that retreat is often better than fighting and to tell my husband in a no bs way when he ticks me off. I don't take nearly as much rubbish from him as I used to, but then I don't dish as much out either. The fact that I love the beast, my boy loves his Daddy, his boy loves his Dad and we have one on the way also makes me stay and keep going. I feel strongly about keeping my family together, if it can be done safely. I also believe that children need both their parents (if possible) but not always necessarily in the same house.....depends on the home environment.........I guess that's what keeps me going. Sure I miss all of that intimacy too, I have faith that it can get even better than this. If you could see where we started and where we are today, you would understand. You see I have never known Anthony without PTSD.

I'm with Kerrie-Ann about loving "my boys" and will do what I can to keep us together as a family. No matter what life throws at us, I know my family is worth it!

Not sure if this is relavant to most of the spouses or not but in light of my newfound experience of PTSD I have learnt that I had to do one important thing. I had to grieve for the husband that I had. I know that he is not the same man he was prior to the incident that has caused his PTSD. Since I have done this I have be able to work on getting to know & grow with my new husband. It's a new thing for him too as I have also changed as a result of dealing with our new lifestyle. As long as we keep working together I'm sure that in time we will have a deeper love for each other than we both thought was possible.

Thanks for your view points. I'm so glad I found this place!!

Thanks for that Jods. Its well put. I never really think of it from that perspective simply because I met Anthony with PTSD, so I don't know any differently. Its really relevant for spouses whose partners have changed as a result of PTSD though. I imagine that it would be hard not to get wound up in what you don't have anymore, and lose sight of where you have to go. It really is a grieving process, letting the past go and allowing yourself the freedom of moving forward. Lets face it, if you love them there really isn't another option.

Well put Jods but it would be nice to have the old hubby back wouldnt it? But thats not going to happen my hubby said tonight that he is hesitant about doing the PTSD course and doesnt really want to do it. I said I dont often put my foot down but if he wants to save our marriage I will drag him there by his balls if I have to I dont want him stressing about it already he doesnt start for another 4 weeks I dont want him stewing about it yet!
Jen

Jen,

You may have to do just that........once he is there he will realise its the best thing that he could have done. Its just getting him there. He will stress about it and increase his anxiety but don't let that put you off. Be firm with him, he needs a boot in the ass. We can both see that. Good on you for standing up to his bs besides he's already suffered the trauma, it can't get any worse than that. If he has to relive some of the trauma this time he is at home, in a safe environment with people who love and care for him. Remind him of that........often, it will sink in eventually.