okay. i'll try. not very good at this.
i want a mom who wants me and loves me and understands me and is proud of me and can teach me.

i want my marriage to not suck.

i want to not fear people abandoning me or turning on me.

i want to contribute something beautiful to the world besides all of this pain an d confusion.

i am scared b/c i feel as though i have "stumped" so many people with this struggle.

i am tired of working so hard to just keep up with what is normal for others, like training underwater with heavy weights trying to keepup with someone on land is the best way i can see it.

i am tired of feeling like the exception and as though i will never belong anywhere.

i hate myself. and i hate that i make everything so complicated and painful

When I'm having trouble with talking or expressing myself, I will draw what I feel. I also find doing collages helps with really strong feelings or intrusive thoughts. I use old ringed recipe books that I find at garage sales, and paste random bits of paper, stickers, paint, whatever, to make the collage. I never worry what it's going to turn out to be. It's surprising though how much it makes me feel better. It's easy to do because you can use scraps of anything you have lying around the house, even rubbish or wrappings from food. I generally do at least a couple of collages a day now, usually first thing in the morning. I have hundreds now!! Anyways if you're interested in trying it out I've included a couple of examples of stuff I've done lately. It might seem silly, but it really really helps (me at least), and requires no artistic talent. I think it's called art therapy?

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Elvis, your depression is strong isn't it? Also, you are overwhelming yourself. Way too much you are trying to tackle at once. Try to pick out one thing. I would say acceptance to work on. Accept you have PTSD and this is nornmal for you. When we think we want to be normal we are looking at what others view of normal would be, what we think their view is. Trying to live up to unreasonable expectations. If everyone fit is this "normal" mold everyone would be the same. Just because you have PTSD does not make you less of a person. Hell, I am not a run way model, astronaut, sky diver... Who and what is normal and am I less of a person because these are beyond my reach? Of course not. Right now if I walk my dog and leave my home I just made a leap comparable to a sky diver because that is me and I am unique that way. See where I am going here?

OK, mom, I have no idea what is going on there as you have not opened up about that yet (I am sorry if you did and I missed it) but I have not seen it. But oh my does this board have some mom issues. If you choose to post about it maybe we can help guide you. But I am not going to guess to far than the normal theme. Condesending, unsupportive...?

Marriage, well, it can blow. Even the "good" ones that have no issues (is there really one that does not?) have ups and downs. When you have issues and someone with PTSD it is ever trying. But it too can heal as you do. But I am on #4 so marital advice I try to refrain from as I have a horrible track record!

The next one is trust issues. That takes a while to learn. It heals as you do. You fear abandonment and betrayal. Who has done this in your past that you have these as specific fears?

See you are not contributing pain and confusion. You think you are. But no, you are suffering. You have just begun to contribute in other ways by posting here. Here people who are scared to join and just lurk get much from understanding they are not alone. Your pain will lessen as you open up and begin healing.


We have made jokes here out of "stumping" people. It is normal. Hell, PTSD stumps us. Some of us have made it to a good place only to over do it and then we stump our selves as our symptoms go out of control again and we try to figure out how and why, but being open here others can be quick to point out why and get you back on track. But when the healing is new you are looking at at least 6 months to get some relief. But relief is attainable.

Back to trying to keep up. Simply do not. Keep up with you. Do what you can to heal you. You need to find your normal, not another's or another's opinion of what you should be.

You belong. You are not an exception. Everyone has skeletons in their closet, some people's just rattle louder. Again that is very normal and it is OK.

You will learn to love yourself. Everything is complicated as you are trying to make sense out of something that at this time does not. You are not making this painful, PTSD just is. Find a starting point in your trauma that you want to let out and look at. Look at your traumas and the emotions list and connect them. That would be where I would say start. Be ready to work hard. When you do other things come into place.

It is a long hard journey but people will be here for you. I have learned that in my time here.

she was not very nice. beat us. shrieked, spit, kicked. controlling. manipulative. humiliating punishments. made excuses for my dad. and knew always what to say to crush me. threatened to kill me a few times. said i was so bad i was going to kill her i made her so sick. among other things for another time. my dad was like that times 10 or completely indifferent. i was adopted. my earliest memory is in my crib (i know they say you can't remember stuff from that far back...but this one is REAL.) laying there with my head under my pillow trying to put on my imaginary mask before she came in the room, i remember feeling terrified i wouldn't get it on in time. my mask was more like pretend makeup. i remember thinking if i got it on just right, she might be nice and love me.

Elvis.. I with you.. right where you are. So many feelings.. yet I feel nothing. I'm scared, antisocial.. even with my own family. This week is the worst in a long time, Xanax here I am. I feel like all those little icons to the right, rolled into one big ugly one. The only bright spot in my life right now is that I found this website. I still feel like a freak, but at least I feel like everyone here understands me.

What is the status of your relationship with them now?

no contact for 3 years. i live in a different state than them. literally and figuratively i guess.

Thanks...printed the list :)

God sounds like me and my mom.