Hey Elvis , I think your in a good place here regardless. I don't think anyone intentionally tried to upset you here. I hope you post again.

not in a good place.

Elvis, I've had communication with my birth mom after 17 years of absence. Talking about a very confusing time for me. I'd like to hear more about your search for your birth mother.

After reading your article that you posted (thanks by the way for posting it), I agree with much that was written. There is a burst of scientific studies being done about perinatal psychology. It was a field that I was interested in and thought about pursuing a degree in. I don't think you have to "remember" a trauma to be hurt by it. Many of us here have repressed memories. No recollection for a while and we were all suffering in some way, but not remembering what actually is causing the suffering. I think this applies to babies as well. How babies are treated during the birth process and how they are treated throughout the adoption (relinquishment) process makes an impression, especially if it is traumatic. I do believe that no matter how young, the scars are still there, even if the memory is beyond our recollection.

Being adopted DOES NOT HELP the healing process of PTSD. Already, before the trauma, there is trust issues, there is uncertainty about the future, and feelings of abandonment that started at the moment of adoption. Many adoptees have gone through counseling for these issues that arise. For me, I was told that everything that I remembered never happened. I was told that I was too young to remember. They didn't validate my feelings or even tried to understand my memories. I was five years old, I had plenty of memories. Since my trauma that caused my ptsd happened when I was between age three and five (I think), my adoptive parents successfully helped me repress some of these feelings and memories. I repressed even good memories because I was told they were not real.

It's obvious to me that you were relinquished (don't you just love that word? NOT), and then turned over to a family that abused you which in turn caused your PTSD. That's a pretty bad combination of events. I can't imagine the pain you are in. I don't know if your thirst for a mother's love will ever be quenched. I know that I still long for that and I have two known mothers!

One thing that helped me heal tremendously in this respect was having my own children and keeping them, loving them, and giving them what I rarely received. I also had many "substitute" mothers as I was growing up. I borrowed a friend's mom to talk to. I talked with my grandmother and I felt loved my her no matter what my flaws were. And even now, I still talk more with my mother in law than with my own mother. I don't purposefully do this, but I feel closer to others. I think she had her chance to be close to me and she decided to deny me of that attention that I needed.

After my birth mom found me (yes, she searched for me), I came to realize years later why she gave me up for adoption (She did not tell me). Now that I understand her reasoning better, helps me to heal.. It is truly a grieving process. It's a loss of a mother you wish you had. I hope that you come to terms with your pain and loss and begin to accept.

i tried to find her about 5 years ago. have a letter on file from her (anonymous with no identifying info) SAYING "if you ever wanted to find me i would be so happy to see you." BUT because of a law that was passed almost EXACTLY a year after i was born, my records are closed, meaning, they can't tell me ANYTHING about her. because she didn't check a consent box on the form. i would have to hire a private investigator or petition the courts to get open records. i gave up at that stage, very discouraged that it was such a fight.

i do know that she didn't know the parents that adopted me (i don't think) because i was adopted from a foster home.

also. thank you for sharing about your adoption, the word to me just sounds like a handicap to me. i have much anxiety over all of that in general, and i do think it compounds the ptsd. i would be interested to hear more about your experience with both adoption and ptsd. and how it has affected your life. i am learning about articulating all that is inside, and i don't really know how or what is what.

she was 17 at the time of my birth. forgot to say that.

ps. how do you grieve? and what did you grieve?

Jen,

I'm so sorry I haven't responded very promptly!

I grieved a lot of things. One of them was the death of my birth father. If he hadn't died, I would still have my mother and my brother. I would probably be living in Korea. Everything went bad after he died. I started to grieve for his death about thirteen years old. That was when all my questions about my past started to creep up on me. I wanted to know why I was so different from my adoptive family and where my artistic talent came from. I wanted to know why I thought the nasty thoughts I did. I truly thought I was just a sicko and that was why.

The grieving that I was talking about in my post was the grieving of a life that never came to be. Grieving is the process of accepting a loss. It's hard to accept loss whether it's a job, a family member, a body part, or a function. We lost our mothers Jen. and it was them themselves that made sure we lost them. It hurts to think that our own mothers would do that to us. For you especially, I feel sorrowful that you were adopted into such horrendous family.

Jen, if it helps you heal, contact your birth mom whatever it takes. It took me several years plus the emergence of memories to forgive my mother for "leaving" us. It does help a tormented heart to finally know why.

you rock.:smoking: thank you so much for your response. perhaps we can chat more about this sometime. the mom thing. that is so ooooo painful. on top of the mean adoptive mom i had. i haven't been able to write too much on here lately. sort of on overload from the forum.

Overload from the forum happens to all of us early on. I've had it many times and had to take a break. The forum can be addictive in many ways. At first it feels as if it's your life saver, but it really isn't. It's not meant to save your life, just help light the way on a really tough journey. Take a break and come back refreshed. Not only will you receive the information better, but you will also be able to help others better.

Sure, we can talk sometime!

Very well put Nam. Sorry nothing to add as she did it so well.