as you deal with one thing another comes along, its like juggling ferrets, with a series of problems the most recent is the most vivid till you can get to grips with it, then whatever else is there starts to become noticable again, it sounds like you have a series of events which have led to ptsd in different areas of your life, different causes same effect, as you start to deal with one area you will learn how to deal with the effects and how to deal with the problem use what you learn to look at seemingly different causes, as always ikba (i know bugger all) but it seems there is more than one set of events in several stages of life for you to look at,

Scott, we all go through the same stuff to be honest mate, me included. I had nightmares over one operation from East Timor in particular, the bodies, and well... you likely get the idea, and I thought that was the cause of my problems, yet what I also discovered was that that operation was more the catalyst of things beforehand, operations previous had started the ball rolling. I 100% understand about getting the job done. I fell apart after my first tour of East Timor, when it was a war zone from Sep 99 to Feb 00 when the UN took over. We had done all the real dirty work, and when I got home I fell apart, I left my wife, I went off the rails. I had PTSD after after that operation, but like most, I didn't know anything was actually wrong, I just persisted, pushed things aside, and kept on fighting through because my mind allowed me too at that time. Now, I had PTSD then unknown to myself, yet I still went back for another operation is 2002, my last one actually, then I really fell to pieces after that one. My now wife, then girlfriend, we did back to back operations, got to see each other for two weeks in country, then gone again. I got home, fell to shit once again. This time though, I never really recovered. I fought to stay on top of things, but couldn't. My bosses let me get away with a lot of things, merely because of my experience and operational experience itself, they let it go because I did my job. Well, even that came unstuck, when I reached the point I was getting aggressive at my bosses, officers and all, someone was going to die soon if I stayed in the military. I sought help, got next to nothing help wise really, except discharged.

Its funny when you have travelled the path already, the things you learn along the way. The hard way, or the easier way. Something I worked out for myself though from helping others, is that you cannot guide someone who wants to learn for themselves, you must let them learn, even if that means doing it the hard way. The thing with PTSD is that regardless what caused it, everything within our lives that contain negative emotions, all those sitting in the back off our minds, cause PTSD to be inflamed, cause the symptomatic effect of PTSD as such. Sure, PTSD is not curable, but all the symptoms uniquely are, its just a matter of treating the cause, not the symptoms, and not what we sometimes think are the problems, but more what the problems really turn out to be. Usually the real issues lay behind the catalyst, though every issue must be dealt with, and that is why it doesn't bother me where a person starts, as long as there helping themselves, then the aim is achieved IMHO. Your doing that by wanting to treat your issues from military service, but how deep are you going? Do you really think a combat centre is going to fix you? If you think that, then you have already lost the battle, because the only person who can fix you, is you.

The only way you can do that, is learn, learn, learn, arm yourself with every ounce of education surrounding PTSD and its symptoms, then pull yourself apart, that means the emotional stuff as well, and me being a bloke, I didn't like that much, but I see things very differently nowadays because it worked, as continue's to work for so many others here who really give it a crack, they reveal their trauma, garnish support, then nut it out here. Many heads are better than one, hence why this forum was built, to provide a community of people, experience, backgrounds and cultures to all help one another see the real issues we have, to help us all see past what we sometimes think are our problems, to look deeper and find the real cause. Until now, that has been very limited to how much a person wants to give away at any one time, but as I used one small portion of mental imagery upon you, this is something that removes us from the equation, a language if you like that speaks directly with our sub-conscious uniquely, and can help us identify where the real issues lay within us all. Even those without PTSD, it helps them to identify what real issues are within their lives, how a person really is, compared to how we view ourselves; is our self esteem really good or not; are we fooling ourselves into thinking something that we really don't believe; and much much more. Your helping yourself Scott, but the biggest thing is to educate and don't be afraid to look at all angles of things, not just what we believe the problems to be.

Hi Anthony,
When I first went into Hollybush last June, I was shown a film by an Australian Soldier who had served in Vietnam. And he was doing a Lecture to other ex-squaddies about Combat Stress. I don't know if you've seen it. But the chap said in the film to get the Combat Stress Shit in your head sorted out before you deal with anyother problems that you had, and also to help others with the same condition as well. And I'm trying to do that before I sort out the other problems that I have. Somedays I feel as if my Head is up my arse sometimes. Have you heard that saying.
Your Army Training is the same as ours isn't it, although your's is more jungle warfare orientated, for we are trained to fight on the European Mainland against the Russians, as it was then. Plus Arctic Warfare, and anti-terrorist operations, for Northern Ireland, and now Desert Warfare.
Thanks
Scott

Yer mate, UK and Australia training I believe we work of very similar doctrine. We train for many types of warfare really, yes the primary one is our own landscape, but we include jungle and urban in all training done. It used to be bush and jungle, but now urban also... so soldiers get a wide variety of exposure to different fighting types. I actually have that DVD here somewhere, along with another he did, being "your not in the Army now" I think its called.

Mate, know that saying well, and I know now and can say without issue, I once had my head up my arse fair and squarely, to say the least. My self confidence went past assertiveness, and definately into arrogance, but it took me a while to learn the unhealthy aspects of this, and bring myself back to an assertive personality, where I listen to others, instead I used to ignore what people said, and did what I thought was more appropriate, bar orders when in the military.... though I would have the odd argument even, especially with young lieutenants and officers.

What was said in that film that you watched though, was certainly something that didn't contain a person having prior serious trauma before combat. I tell people to aim at the toughest trauma they have, then work their way down the list, that way once a person gets through the worst, the rest is a piece of cake compared to that one... yet many people think they start with the worst because they usually predict this from their nightmares, assuming it is the worst, and when they get down the list a little opening up more and more things, something comes back to them that knocks them on their arse totally, more so than the trauma they started with, because something deeper and darker was hiding, often they think it doesn't affect them, or they deny it affects them. Shit, I was in denial for years before I finally took my head out of my own arse and really opened up and looked at myself. It hurt, especially my male pride, that one kicked my arse actually, but it worked, and I am now the better for it. We males are our worst enemy, more so than females, because they will truly express things, we males don't. We can learn a lot from females in that regard, because they express emotionally much better than we do, and it is the emotional core that feeds PTSD mate, nothing more, that is the answer and solution to healing trauma. Once we heal every piece of trauma in our life, PTSD has nothing left from our past to feed off, so we should not have any adverse affects at that time, providing our present is stable, no finanacial issues, lingering things that cause stress, etc. Once everything is healed, the only thing we need to do then is manage our present and future, ensuring we keep things stress free, negative stress that is, not good stress. There is a big difference.

It really is about turning ourselves inside out mate, nothing shy off it. I have been through all this myself, and its hard, and certainly threw me at times, drowned myself in alcohol and cigarettes for years, but now have little issue with PTSD providing nothing too stressful changes in my life... like my recent marriage issues, they have been causing me undue stress and making me sick lately, but with what I know now and have educated myself, I pulled through things quite quickly by talking everything out with people I trust. Looking at things for the realistic values, not what my mind wants to determine...

Scott, your doing just fine mate the direction your now moving... your now going actively into your trauma, not stepping around it, and that is what you need to do. If discussing something traumatic within your past makes you ill, then negative emotions are still very present, and must be dealt with. If you discuss trauma and you simply use your bodies built in mechanisms, being crying and so forth, but no illness afterwards, no symptoms, then there are no more negative emotions attached to your past. That is how you know, and you have to be honest with yourself. I can see from this thread, discussing this is likely making you a little unwell...

Hi Anthony, thanks for your reply. Yes it is making me feel a little unwell, and I think that it may be best to close this thread, I've had a lot of advice through it, and help as well. And like you said I need to get on with getting my head around this and sorting it out, if I ever can. But I need to deal with the most current problem and that is Combat Stress. The other thing is still there like you said. And I find that talking to other people about it who have suffered the same trauma as myself. Its funny, that there's a couple of the guys who go to Hollybush House that I've become friendly with and they have had the same early abuse that I had, but they, like me are getting the combat stress sorted out first. We always get into a wee group and just chat about it, and none of us is afraid to have a cry about it. One of the guys is an ex para, and tough as nails, but a great bloke. So we help each other as well which is a good thing.
Cheers
Scott

Thats really quite lovely Scott... its great to hear that you can discuss things in a group, more to the point, you have a group available to you for it. I used to do the same actually, still give some advice that need it within my mates, but most of them are doing ok nowadays, and we used to do the same, things often got a bit teary when we opened up about certain things.

So then... lets discuss your combat issues then shall we? Pull them apart, get it all out, and start putting some reason to things hopefully?

Hi Anthony. Thanks, Well I'm going back into Hollybush in 2 weeks time for a week of therapy and to catch up on the goss from the other squaddies there, our humour is very black as you probably can imagine. I'm starting a series of EMDR treatment that week, plus the relaxation after it. I've only had one session of EMDR treatment, and I found it hard. So I don't know how I'll do with a series of it during the week that I'm in. Any advice on that?
Cheers
Scott

You probably don't really want my opinon on EMDR mate... its not positive, just ask Bec, as she knows all too well what happens when it goes wrong... minor to major brain damage. EMDR is effective IF performed by an experienced physician, not just someone who learnt from way down the line... its a technique that must be followed, there are interview steps prior that rely on people to be honest, which they often aren't... too many variables for my honest liking. One trauma, no issue, EMDR. More than one... me personally, not a chance.

Here Scott read this:

EMDR Lashback - When EMDR Goes Wrong

it says it all.. you have more than one trauma.. combat plus abuse.. my advice unless it is the person Anthony suggests.. run like hell..

bec